Okay so in the home front:
I have turned my broken bathroom in to a storage closet. I have a bunch of stuff I would rather not look at in there- like pictures of B.
I have put away my Mom's sewing stuff.
I moved my Dad's stuff in to the closet.
I bagged up 12 pairs of pants, 13 tee shirts, 10 sweaters and 4 purses to donate to an older woman my friend knows of who doesn't have any clothes.
I have put some of my books on the the hard to get to bookshelf.
I framed a picture of my Buggy and it is sitting on my desk right now. I just love that his Mom keeps me in pictures LOL Buggy is the only thing I had to live for for a long time there. He is not even in my class yet, but I just adore him. She gave me a 5 by 7 picture of him for Christmas. I can look at it every time I am on the computer now :0)
I am joining Weight Watchers tomorrow. Yeah, I know. But I need some help here because nothing is working at the moment.
I have organized my mini closet. It is roomier now that I have gotten rid of some of those clothes.
All of my clothes have a home now either in the closet or drawers.
About 100 skeins of yarn have homes now in the drawers. I still need to get two more gigant bags of it out of storage. But it is not getting over 30 this week so I will wait a while longer.
That is all I have for now :0)
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thinking
Will there ever be a time when I don't think about him? When I am not wondering what he is doing or how my cats are or whether or not his parents went on another cruise?
It stinks.
Even though he abused me, he was my only friend for a long time. Not exactly a good friendship, but when he was the only one there, that was all I had.
I am trying to make friends but it is hard for me. I always have this assumption that no one will like me. One of my Mom's coworkers is my age and he calls her Mom too and he wants to take me to the movies and to dinner. Not a date by any stretch of the imagination, just wanted to clear that up before I start a scandal in my blog LOL I have been talking to him on Facebook and he seems nice enough and we have a ridiculous amount in common, I think we actually have the same life, sort of. It is strange, but anyway, I should probably just go and try to have fun. But I don't really know how to do that.
It stinks.
Even though he abused me, he was my only friend for a long time. Not exactly a good friendship, but when he was the only one there, that was all I had.
I am trying to make friends but it is hard for me. I always have this assumption that no one will like me. One of my Mom's coworkers is my age and he calls her Mom too and he wants to take me to the movies and to dinner. Not a date by any stretch of the imagination, just wanted to clear that up before I start a scandal in my blog LOL I have been talking to him on Facebook and he seems nice enough and we have a ridiculous amount in common, I think we actually have the same life, sort of. It is strange, but anyway, I should probably just go and try to have fun. But I don't really know how to do that.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
So duct tape is okay then, right?
The board of ed is coming next week to evaluate us. Today I was flipping through the book to make sure that our cots were spaced correctly and that we had enough minutes of music, etc. When I read the following: You are not allowed to tie the children up as a form of discipline.
Okay, seriously, what Pre K on the planet needs that bit of information spelled out for them?!?!?! LOL
My co-teacher didn't believe me until I showed her myself. My initial snarky reply was "So duct tape is okay then, right?" LOL
And that reminded me of a conversation I had last year with one of the kids who went off to Kindergarten this year. The kids wouldn't stay in their seats so I asked them "What is it going to take to keep you chickens in your chairs today?" Without missing a beat, R replied "Duct tape would probably work, Miss Jaime!" Remind me to never make him mad at me ;)
So that was my laugh for today.
Here are some other funny things that happen at work:
For Halloween I let the kids grapheti my tee shirt with Sharpies because I was going as a rock star. One of my students said: H. O. I just wrote H and O on your shirt Miss Jaime. What does H O spell? Does it spell Ho? Did I just write "Ho" on your shirt Miss Jaime? Isn't that nice. Ho, ho, ho, just like Santa says!"
I somehow convinced him to add another "O" and a "P" to make "Hoop." :P
On water days in the summer the kids normally wear their bathing suits under their clothes. The boys generally just wear a regular shirt and wear their trunks as shorts since they are so long nowadays anyhow.
Me: Okay kids, time to go outside for water day. Boys, take your shirts off, let's see those muscles!
S: Nipples Miss Jaime?!?!?!?!?! *shocked*
Me: Um.. mus...cles?
S: Oh.
During artist week I told the kids that one artist had died in the early 1970's.
S: Miss Jaime, was my Dad alive when he died?
Me: Maybe. How old is Dad?
S: He is 44.
Me: Okay, yes, he would have been alive then.
S: What about my Mom?
Me: Probably, do you know how old Mom is?
S: 24.
Me: Are you sure *I know her Mother well, I didn't know her age but I knew it wasn't 24 LOL She was at least in her late 30's*
S: Yes, she is 24!
Me: Um, no, then she was not alive then.
From that day on her Dad started referring to her Mom as his "Trophy Wife" LOL
We were playing an animal guessing game. It was zoo animal week, but I thought I would trick them but throwing in a farm animal.
Me: Okay, what is a little bit grouchy and might kick you if you make it mad? (donkey)
T: A Miss Jaime! Right E? It's a Miss Jaime!
One of my after school kids showing me her sheet music for choir:
M: Miss Jaime, this song here is from the olden days when you were a kid! (the song was released in the early 1960s. I was born in 78.)
Another after school kid talking about her sister:
I mean really, what kind of person wears Crocs in the winter? How stupid.
(I was wearing my Crocs. The look on her face when she noticed this was priceless).
T, at Walmart with his family after bumping in to his teenaged sister's boyfriend:
"My sister and Miss Jaime and Miss M *my other coteacher* don't have peanuts because they are girls and girls don't have peanuts, only boys have those." At least I wasn't there, his poor sister was mortified!
E, leaning over and whispering in Miss T's ear: You are the best teacher ever.
Two seconds later, he leans over and whispers in my ear: You are the best teacher ever.
He did not expect us to compare notes ;)
A: You have boobs Miss Jaime, just like my Mom. Only yours are much bigger.
I was looking at a craft magazine that sells in bulk then tells you how much per item the cost is.
T: That right there is 55 cents Miss J.
Me: That is a lot. Do you have 55 cents?
T: No, I don't have any cents at all.
M, after visiting her Aunt in the hospital after having a C Section: I am never having a baby when I grow up because I don't want anyone to cut my tummy open. Well, except for my Mom, she pooped me out.
One of the students in my class has the same last name as me, so I call him by a different last name as a nickname, as a joke. I told him that I am not sharing my name with him LOL One of my other students, E, drew a picture for me and this is how she described it:
E: Miss J, if you marry John Davis you will be Miss Jaime Davis Davis *not our real last names* So I drew a picture of you and John wearing pajamas. This little boys is your son and John named him John Jr. And the little girl is your girl and John named her Junior Jaime.
Another one from E: She drew a large golden start and asked me how to spell some words. I realized that she had had me spell out: Miss Jaime goes first.
When I asked her what I go first for, she replied "To the bathroom!" We still have no idea about that one!
Every year we make phone books for the kids who go to Kindergarten with all of their friend's numbers in it and even the teacher's numbers. It is a BIG deal and the kids love to call each other. Well E isn't going to K until this year so she did not get one. She asked me what my number was because she had picked out a nice book from the prize box. I gave her my number and I overheard the following conversation:
A: Those are not her numbers, she is only teasing.
E: Nuh uh, those are her numbers. I am going to call her tomorrow and prove it.
A: No, there are too many numbers for it to be real *I think the area code, which is now required in our state, threw him off*.
The following Monday:
E: A, those really were her numbers, I talked to her on the phone and my parents were there and they can tell you that I called her on a Saturday and we talked about the food channel.
A: Wow, they really were her numbers!
LOL
I always tell the kids that I get paid in hugs. It happened to be payday when my boss handed me my check. Since I have direct deposit, the check always reads "Zero dollars and zero cents." and has $0.00 on it. Well she handed it to me and asked me to check something on it so I opened it. E was behind me and saw it and said "Oh my goodness, she really does get paid in only hugs!!" LOL
I have a hundred more but I am tired. Enjoy!
Okay, seriously, what Pre K on the planet needs that bit of information spelled out for them?!?!?! LOL
My co-teacher didn't believe me until I showed her myself. My initial snarky reply was "So duct tape is okay then, right?" LOL
And that reminded me of a conversation I had last year with one of the kids who went off to Kindergarten this year. The kids wouldn't stay in their seats so I asked them "What is it going to take to keep you chickens in your chairs today?" Without missing a beat, R replied "Duct tape would probably work, Miss Jaime!" Remind me to never make him mad at me ;)
So that was my laugh for today.
Here are some other funny things that happen at work:
For Halloween I let the kids grapheti my tee shirt with Sharpies because I was going as a rock star. One of my students said: H. O. I just wrote H and O on your shirt Miss Jaime. What does H O spell? Does it spell Ho? Did I just write "Ho" on your shirt Miss Jaime? Isn't that nice. Ho, ho, ho, just like Santa says!"
I somehow convinced him to add another "O" and a "P" to make "Hoop." :P
On water days in the summer the kids normally wear their bathing suits under their clothes. The boys generally just wear a regular shirt and wear their trunks as shorts since they are so long nowadays anyhow.
Me: Okay kids, time to go outside for water day. Boys, take your shirts off, let's see those muscles!
S: Nipples Miss Jaime?!?!?!?!?! *shocked*
Me: Um.. mus...cles?
S: Oh.
During artist week I told the kids that one artist had died in the early 1970's.
S: Miss Jaime, was my Dad alive when he died?
Me: Maybe. How old is Dad?
S: He is 44.
Me: Okay, yes, he would have been alive then.
S: What about my Mom?
Me: Probably, do you know how old Mom is?
S: 24.
Me: Are you sure *I know her Mother well, I didn't know her age but I knew it wasn't 24 LOL She was at least in her late 30's*
S: Yes, she is 24!
Me: Um, no, then she was not alive then.
From that day on her Dad started referring to her Mom as his "Trophy Wife" LOL
We were playing an animal guessing game. It was zoo animal week, but I thought I would trick them but throwing in a farm animal.
Me: Okay, what is a little bit grouchy and might kick you if you make it mad? (donkey)
T: A Miss Jaime! Right E? It's a Miss Jaime!
One of my after school kids showing me her sheet music for choir:
M: Miss Jaime, this song here is from the olden days when you were a kid! (the song was released in the early 1960s. I was born in 78.)
Another after school kid talking about her sister:
I mean really, what kind of person wears Crocs in the winter? How stupid.
(I was wearing my Crocs. The look on her face when she noticed this was priceless).
T, at Walmart with his family after bumping in to his teenaged sister's boyfriend:
"My sister and Miss Jaime and Miss M *my other coteacher* don't have peanuts because they are girls and girls don't have peanuts, only boys have those." At least I wasn't there, his poor sister was mortified!
E, leaning over and whispering in Miss T's ear: You are the best teacher ever.
Two seconds later, he leans over and whispers in my ear: You are the best teacher ever.
He did not expect us to compare notes ;)
A: You have boobs Miss Jaime, just like my Mom. Only yours are much bigger.
I was looking at a craft magazine that sells in bulk then tells you how much per item the cost is.
T: That right there is 55 cents Miss J.
Me: That is a lot. Do you have 55 cents?
T: No, I don't have any cents at all.
M, after visiting her Aunt in the hospital after having a C Section: I am never having a baby when I grow up because I don't want anyone to cut my tummy open. Well, except for my Mom, she pooped me out.
One of the students in my class has the same last name as me, so I call him by a different last name as a nickname, as a joke. I told him that I am not sharing my name with him LOL One of my other students, E, drew a picture for me and this is how she described it:
E: Miss J, if you marry John Davis you will be Miss Jaime Davis Davis *not our real last names* So I drew a picture of you and John wearing pajamas. This little boys is your son and John named him John Jr. And the little girl is your girl and John named her Junior Jaime.
Another one from E: She drew a large golden start and asked me how to spell some words. I realized that she had had me spell out: Miss Jaime goes first.
When I asked her what I go first for, she replied "To the bathroom!" We still have no idea about that one!
Every year we make phone books for the kids who go to Kindergarten with all of their friend's numbers in it and even the teacher's numbers. It is a BIG deal and the kids love to call each other. Well E isn't going to K until this year so she did not get one. She asked me what my number was because she had picked out a nice book from the prize box. I gave her my number and I overheard the following conversation:
A: Those are not her numbers, she is only teasing.
E: Nuh uh, those are her numbers. I am going to call her tomorrow and prove it.
A: No, there are too many numbers for it to be real *I think the area code, which is now required in our state, threw him off*.
The following Monday:
E: A, those really were her numbers, I talked to her on the phone and my parents were there and they can tell you that I called her on a Saturday and we talked about the food channel.
A: Wow, they really were her numbers!
LOL
I always tell the kids that I get paid in hugs. It happened to be payday when my boss handed me my check. Since I have direct deposit, the check always reads "Zero dollars and zero cents." and has $0.00 on it. Well she handed it to me and asked me to check something on it so I opened it. E was behind me and saw it and said "Oh my goodness, she really does get paid in only hugs!!" LOL
I have a hundred more but I am tired. Enjoy!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
This is a TMI post. You have been warned!!
Seriously, this is period related and it is not pretty. So I am including a lot of spoiler space for you.
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Okay so yesterday I felt like I had been backed over by a mack truck. I was beyond miserable. So I decided to take a shower at around 8 PM and just go to bed.
While in the shower I started my period again. Yeah, it had gone away, so I did not take the medicine. Well it came back. And it was mad at me!
I started passing these giant clots in the shower. I got out and put on a Mama Cloth overnight pad with two extra inserts. I walk up the two flights of stairs to my bedroom, bend over to pick something up off of the floor, and I start to see blood drops hitting the brand new carpet in my room.
Yeah, you read that right. Two flights of stairs, less than what, two minutes? And I had bleed through that thick pad.
And was bleeding on to the floor!
It soaked all the way through the pad and was on to my underwear. I mean, really, I am 31 years old and I just don't have a stained underwear problem with the Mama cloth. I ordered the largest ones because I am heavy, they cover pretty much everything. So it was shocking that I had bleed that much.
So I put on a new Mama cloth and dash downstairs for some carpet cleaner and some towels.
I had to put towels on the floor, over my sheets and on the computer chair. I had to change the Mama cloth every few minutes. As soon as I was able I took one of those Provera pills.
It looked like someone had lost an arm in my room. I am going to have to wash the bedspread this weekend. The sheets had to be changed. The carpet was stained. And about six towels were stained. I had to do the Mama cloth load and the towels load TWICE tonight to get it all off. What a mess.
Thankfully it stopped overnight and I am now just barely spotting.
So lesson learned. If this ever happens again I will take the medicine even if the period stops.
And today I was so sick all day. Nauseous. Yuck, I just felt vile.
I am praying this Provera helps. If not, I will just have to go back on birth control pills. How ironic that I have not had marital relations with my soon to be ex since before he went to jail, which was literally sometime in the summer, and I might end up on birth control pills LOL
My mind just goes to wondering where on earth this stuff is coming from. I mean, my Grandmother was a nurse and would always say "Jaime Leigh, it is probably nothing more than a teaspoon's amount of fluid." But trust me, this was way more than a teaspoon!
So thanks to the hormones, I was in a lovely mood today. I managed to not be too cranky until after nap time. Which I spend laying down next to one of the chicken's because I felt so gross. I got up, prepared the snack- which took a while because the cheese sauce was ice cold, so I thought it would be nice to warm it up for them. And of course with health code regulations nothing is as simple as just tossing something in the microwave. So I took the time to warm everything up, came back in, set the table- all while my coworkers did nothing, but I was okay with that because I had been sick for the half hour of nap time that was not my break.
Well it was time to wake them up, because they had already slept for a half hour longer than they are supposed to. I go to turn the light on and my coworker was like "oh let them sleep longer." Um, okay. I said "Oh well I was just following the schedule." She said that we can do whatever we want back there.
Um, no. We really can't. Not when we are taking the State's money, we can't. If we were still in private school status like last year, then by all means, do whatever you want. I just think it is an ethical issue when we don't even try to follow their rules. Plus I don't want the parents upset tomorrow because their kids didn't sleep tonight. Plus I did all of that extra work for nothing. By the time they got to eat snack it was cold again.
But fine, she has worked there longer than me, she gets the final say. But I am a stickler for rules, always have been. Grey does not exist. Black and white are fine, grey is not. I have a lot of sensory issues, plus I might be book smart, but a lot of times I get overwhelmed when things are not organized. So it helps me to have a schedule.
So I just walked out of the room and went in to the bathroom to sulk about how I can not stand that my coworkers are so flippant about the schedule ;)
But we got this memo last week saying that we are going to get fired if we disagree, so I hope I don't get fired for this. So that is why I just went to the bathroom because I have a very expressive face.
I figure I am just cranky because of the hormones to stop my period.
I could go the whole rest of my life following that schedule to the letter and be happy as a clam. I just don't understand how people can be so carefree. Not that it is wrong, if that is what you like. I am just not that person.
I also have a problem making exceptions in life. I mean, people say that there are always exceptions to the rules- I don't agree. I feel like you either follow the rule or you don't. Why am I like this? Why can't I be more open minded?
This is why I was not good at managing the domestic violence shelter. I couldn't figure out how to see grey things. Like we had rules, but some people could break them and not get in trouble, but other people would get in to trouble right away for breaking them. Never made a bit of sense to me. And it seems that that puts too much pressure on the person who gets to decide who is in trouble and who isn't.
If client #1 doesn't do her share of the house chores and gets away with it, then why is client #2 being called in to the office over it? Just because client #1 has (insert reason here). It was way to hard for me to be the one to decide who I made follow the rules and who I didn't. I could not handle that.
Maybe there is a technical name for this disorder LOL
So that is the latest on me. I am cranky and I have to wash the bedspread, blanket and mattress cover in my room on Saturday because it was like a crime scene in here last night.
And please, no one post anything about how I might be dying of some kind of strange disease or something. Because if you do, I will have anxiety attacks. :0) Maybe one day a doctor will actually do some tests on me instead of dismissing everything as being caused by my weight. You have a hangnail? It is because you are overweight! Stubbed your toe? You are overweight.
And on that note, I am going to bed! :0)
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Okay so yesterday I felt like I had been backed over by a mack truck. I was beyond miserable. So I decided to take a shower at around 8 PM and just go to bed.
While in the shower I started my period again. Yeah, it had gone away, so I did not take the medicine. Well it came back. And it was mad at me!
I started passing these giant clots in the shower. I got out and put on a Mama Cloth overnight pad with two extra inserts. I walk up the two flights of stairs to my bedroom, bend over to pick something up off of the floor, and I start to see blood drops hitting the brand new carpet in my room.
Yeah, you read that right. Two flights of stairs, less than what, two minutes? And I had bleed through that thick pad.
And was bleeding on to the floor!
It soaked all the way through the pad and was on to my underwear. I mean, really, I am 31 years old and I just don't have a stained underwear problem with the Mama cloth. I ordered the largest ones because I am heavy, they cover pretty much everything. So it was shocking that I had bleed that much.
So I put on a new Mama cloth and dash downstairs for some carpet cleaner and some towels.
I had to put towels on the floor, over my sheets and on the computer chair. I had to change the Mama cloth every few minutes. As soon as I was able I took one of those Provera pills.
It looked like someone had lost an arm in my room. I am going to have to wash the bedspread this weekend. The sheets had to be changed. The carpet was stained. And about six towels were stained. I had to do the Mama cloth load and the towels load TWICE tonight to get it all off. What a mess.
Thankfully it stopped overnight and I am now just barely spotting.
So lesson learned. If this ever happens again I will take the medicine even if the period stops.
And today I was so sick all day. Nauseous. Yuck, I just felt vile.
I am praying this Provera helps. If not, I will just have to go back on birth control pills. How ironic that I have not had marital relations with my soon to be ex since before he went to jail, which was literally sometime in the summer, and I might end up on birth control pills LOL
My mind just goes to wondering where on earth this stuff is coming from. I mean, my Grandmother was a nurse and would always say "Jaime Leigh, it is probably nothing more than a teaspoon's amount of fluid." But trust me, this was way more than a teaspoon!
So thanks to the hormones, I was in a lovely mood today. I managed to not be too cranky until after nap time. Which I spend laying down next to one of the chicken's because I felt so gross. I got up, prepared the snack- which took a while because the cheese sauce was ice cold, so I thought it would be nice to warm it up for them. And of course with health code regulations nothing is as simple as just tossing something in the microwave. So I took the time to warm everything up, came back in, set the table- all while my coworkers did nothing, but I was okay with that because I had been sick for the half hour of nap time that was not my break.
Well it was time to wake them up, because they had already slept for a half hour longer than they are supposed to. I go to turn the light on and my coworker was like "oh let them sleep longer." Um, okay. I said "Oh well I was just following the schedule." She said that we can do whatever we want back there.
Um, no. We really can't. Not when we are taking the State's money, we can't. If we were still in private school status like last year, then by all means, do whatever you want. I just think it is an ethical issue when we don't even try to follow their rules. Plus I don't want the parents upset tomorrow because their kids didn't sleep tonight. Plus I did all of that extra work for nothing. By the time they got to eat snack it was cold again.
But fine, she has worked there longer than me, she gets the final say. But I am a stickler for rules, always have been. Grey does not exist. Black and white are fine, grey is not. I have a lot of sensory issues, plus I might be book smart, but a lot of times I get overwhelmed when things are not organized. So it helps me to have a schedule.
So I just walked out of the room and went in to the bathroom to sulk about how I can not stand that my coworkers are so flippant about the schedule ;)
But we got this memo last week saying that we are going to get fired if we disagree, so I hope I don't get fired for this. So that is why I just went to the bathroom because I have a very expressive face.
I figure I am just cranky because of the hormones to stop my period.
I could go the whole rest of my life following that schedule to the letter and be happy as a clam. I just don't understand how people can be so carefree. Not that it is wrong, if that is what you like. I am just not that person.
I also have a problem making exceptions in life. I mean, people say that there are always exceptions to the rules- I don't agree. I feel like you either follow the rule or you don't. Why am I like this? Why can't I be more open minded?
This is why I was not good at managing the domestic violence shelter. I couldn't figure out how to see grey things. Like we had rules, but some people could break them and not get in trouble, but other people would get in to trouble right away for breaking them. Never made a bit of sense to me. And it seems that that puts too much pressure on the person who gets to decide who is in trouble and who isn't.
If client #1 doesn't do her share of the house chores and gets away with it, then why is client #2 being called in to the office over it? Just because client #1 has (insert reason here). It was way to hard for me to be the one to decide who I made follow the rules and who I didn't. I could not handle that.
Maybe there is a technical name for this disorder LOL
So that is the latest on me. I am cranky and I have to wash the bedspread, blanket and mattress cover in my room on Saturday because it was like a crime scene in here last night.
And please, no one post anything about how I might be dying of some kind of strange disease or something. Because if you do, I will have anxiety attacks. :0) Maybe one day a doctor will actually do some tests on me instead of dismissing everything as being caused by my weight. You have a hangnail? It is because you are overweight! Stubbed your toe? You are overweight.
And on that note, I am going to bed! :0)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Two in one night?!
I can't sleep.
I have this overwhelming urge lately to have a life that is not wasted. This feeds in to my previous post a little, so bare with me.
I just feel like there has to be some reason that I am alive. God doesn't just throw people here randomly. There is a reason I was born to the parents I was and that I married the man that I did and that I teach the children that I do. I really believe that.
I don't really believe in coincidence.
I just wish I knew what my purpose was. Like, if God could send me a sign or something, that would be most appreciated ;)
Which is why I want so badly to live. I don't want to die young from being heavy. What a waste. I don't want the 8 years I spent being treated badly to be for nothing.
My Mother lost both of her breasts to cancer when I was 4. And when she tells women to do their monthly self exams and to get a mammogram after a certain age, it is like, "Okay, great, thanks." But when you see someone who is being abused by their partner, there are not a lot of places you can go with that. I mean, hello, a good friend of mine is a therapist and told me a year before I left that it wouldn't matter what he said to me anyhow, because I was not ready to hear the message.
So sometimes I get frustrated because I want to reach through the computer and say to someone in a similar situation "Hey your life doesn't have to be like this. It is scary now, but it doesn't have to stay this way. You can do it!"
But I remember when people said that to me when I was still in the thick of things and I remember being very annoyed by it all. So I am left to wonder if that is what God wants me to do with it? What does He want me to do with this life experience?
So then I think that maybe it is my students who will have the benefit of this knowledge, even though they wont realize it now. If I teach them now that they should always be respected and treated nicely by their friends, maybe that will leak in to their lives when they are older and they wont stick around if a boyfriend/girlfriend is treating them badly. Sometimes I just want to hold them and tell them that they are strong and deserve to be appreciated and loved. And that they should never let anyone make them feel bad about themselves.
One of my coworkers today said outloud "I am a bad person." And I was like "What?! No! You are not a bad person!!!" That is like nails on a chalkboard for me. All because she forgot to mention something that I wouldn't have even thought twice about. And it is such a powerful thing to say in front of little kids. We have to be so careful what we say in front of them. So much of my life right now is rebuilding my self esteem. I was told that I was bad all the time by the ex. I didn't even wash the dishes correctly. Oddly enough my Grandmother, Mother and all of my Aunts wash/ed dishes the same way as I do and they are/were not "bad". But he just found fault with every single thing that I did. So my motto right now is "There is nothing wrong with me!"
This is who I am. I can be a little moody when I don't have enough sleep. I am a terrible singer but I love to do it. I can't hide a single emotion as it is always written all over my face. And you know what? That is fine. That is me. I don't want to be anybody else.
So what is my purpose of being here on the planet? I will let you know as soon as I figure it out ;)
I have this overwhelming urge lately to have a life that is not wasted. This feeds in to my previous post a little, so bare with me.
I just feel like there has to be some reason that I am alive. God doesn't just throw people here randomly. There is a reason I was born to the parents I was and that I married the man that I did and that I teach the children that I do. I really believe that.
I don't really believe in coincidence.
I just wish I knew what my purpose was. Like, if God could send me a sign or something, that would be most appreciated ;)
Which is why I want so badly to live. I don't want to die young from being heavy. What a waste. I don't want the 8 years I spent being treated badly to be for nothing.
My Mother lost both of her breasts to cancer when I was 4. And when she tells women to do their monthly self exams and to get a mammogram after a certain age, it is like, "Okay, great, thanks." But when you see someone who is being abused by their partner, there are not a lot of places you can go with that. I mean, hello, a good friend of mine is a therapist and told me a year before I left that it wouldn't matter what he said to me anyhow, because I was not ready to hear the message.
So sometimes I get frustrated because I want to reach through the computer and say to someone in a similar situation "Hey your life doesn't have to be like this. It is scary now, but it doesn't have to stay this way. You can do it!"
But I remember when people said that to me when I was still in the thick of things and I remember being very annoyed by it all. So I am left to wonder if that is what God wants me to do with it? What does He want me to do with this life experience?
So then I think that maybe it is my students who will have the benefit of this knowledge, even though they wont realize it now. If I teach them now that they should always be respected and treated nicely by their friends, maybe that will leak in to their lives when they are older and they wont stick around if a boyfriend/girlfriend is treating them badly. Sometimes I just want to hold them and tell them that they are strong and deserve to be appreciated and loved. And that they should never let anyone make them feel bad about themselves.
One of my coworkers today said outloud "I am a bad person." And I was like "What?! No! You are not a bad person!!!" That is like nails on a chalkboard for me. All because she forgot to mention something that I wouldn't have even thought twice about. And it is such a powerful thing to say in front of little kids. We have to be so careful what we say in front of them. So much of my life right now is rebuilding my self esteem. I was told that I was bad all the time by the ex. I didn't even wash the dishes correctly. Oddly enough my Grandmother, Mother and all of my Aunts wash/ed dishes the same way as I do and they are/were not "bad". But he just found fault with every single thing that I did. So my motto right now is "There is nothing wrong with me!"
This is who I am. I can be a little moody when I don't have enough sleep. I am a terrible singer but I love to do it. I can't hide a single emotion as it is always written all over my face. And you know what? That is fine. That is me. I don't want to be anybody else.
So what is my purpose of being here on the planet? I will let you know as soon as I figure it out ;)
Monday, January 25, 2010
Bored?
Yeah, I am.
I work, come home, play online and go to bed. Nothing too exciting.
I feel like there are so many better things that I could be doing with my time. I need a distraction maybe? I don't know. I have been doing Bible study every day, that is helping. I just feel very unfocused at the moment.
Any tips, suggestions, comments? Let me have them :0) I am open to change here. I need some change. Right now life feels like one big waste of energy! I wonder what I could be capable of if I actually *did* something.
I work, come home, play online and go to bed. Nothing too exciting.
I feel like there are so many better things that I could be doing with my time. I need a distraction maybe? I don't know. I have been doing Bible study every day, that is helping. I just feel very unfocused at the moment.
Any tips, suggestions, comments? Let me have them :0) I am open to change here. I need some change. Right now life feels like one big waste of energy! I wonder what I could be capable of if I actually *did* something.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
New schedule
So I am going back to my old schedule of 8:30 to 5:30. I am only doing it to get an hour break. When I was only taking a half hour, I felt rushed. I couldn't do anything so more often than not I would just stay in the classroom.
But I think I need that hour to decompress. To kind of mentally gear myself up for the rest of the day. Maybe take a walk. Or go to the *empty* cafeteria for a diet soda and some Bible reading. Something. I felt that I worked better and enjoyed it more when I had the longer lunch break.
So tomorrow starts back on the old one. Hopefully traffic will not cause me to regret my decision :0)
Today was a great day. Church was wonderful. I was asked to co teach Children's Church in March and I accepted. I joined a Sunday school class. My first ever adult one. I normally taught the kid's class. But at this point in my life I want to have adult study. I am happy to do a month in Children's Church, that happens during the regular service. But I am craving study with other grown ups during Sunday School time.
So I went to a birthday party today. I ordered a cheeseburger and onion rings. The one thing I noticed is how heavy that meal was. It has been a LONG time since I have had fast food. And this food just sat in my stomach like a rock. Which is proof that my body is functioning better without it.
I got a lot of activity today moving my room around. I have decided to actually unpack. I figure I am not getting out of here any time soon. And I want to come at this with a greatful heart. Also, I am totally unorganized now. Such to the point where it is leaking over in to my work life. I think a lot of it has to do with a natural relaxing I did after leaving my H. Kind of like "Oh no one is constantly putting me down anymore critisizing every move that I make, so I can do what I want now!" kind of thing.
But I think it is important to at least try to make this feel like home. So I moved all of my Mom's sewing machines in to the closet. Now I have the entire sewing desk empty. I a not sure what I am putting up on it.
I put my excess stuff in the attic. I put some of my books on the bookshelf. I am bagging up a bunch of clothes that I don't wear anymore.
It is ridiculoulsly hot in my bedroom. I think I am going to have to take off my flannel sheets. Not that this comment fits in with the blog tonight, but I just realized that I am sitting here sweating LOL
But I think I need that hour to decompress. To kind of mentally gear myself up for the rest of the day. Maybe take a walk. Or go to the *empty* cafeteria for a diet soda and some Bible reading. Something. I felt that I worked better and enjoyed it more when I had the longer lunch break.
So tomorrow starts back on the old one. Hopefully traffic will not cause me to regret my decision :0)
Today was a great day. Church was wonderful. I was asked to co teach Children's Church in March and I accepted. I joined a Sunday school class. My first ever adult one. I normally taught the kid's class. But at this point in my life I want to have adult study. I am happy to do a month in Children's Church, that happens during the regular service. But I am craving study with other grown ups during Sunday School time.
So I went to a birthday party today. I ordered a cheeseburger and onion rings. The one thing I noticed is how heavy that meal was. It has been a LONG time since I have had fast food. And this food just sat in my stomach like a rock. Which is proof that my body is functioning better without it.
I got a lot of activity today moving my room around. I have decided to actually unpack. I figure I am not getting out of here any time soon. And I want to come at this with a greatful heart. Also, I am totally unorganized now. Such to the point where it is leaking over in to my work life. I think a lot of it has to do with a natural relaxing I did after leaving my H. Kind of like "Oh no one is constantly putting me down anymore critisizing every move that I make, so I can do what I want now!" kind of thing.
But I think it is important to at least try to make this feel like home. So I moved all of my Mom's sewing machines in to the closet. Now I have the entire sewing desk empty. I a not sure what I am putting up on it.
I put my excess stuff in the attic. I put some of my books on the bookshelf. I am bagging up a bunch of clothes that I don't wear anymore.
It is ridiculoulsly hot in my bedroom. I think I am going to have to take off my flannel sheets. Not that this comment fits in with the blog tonight, but I just realized that I am sitting here sweating LOL
Returning to church
Sorry I deleted my last post. I just didn't want to look at it :0(
I have decided to go back to church tomorrow. Or, today, technically. I will have to deal with that one group of people eventually anyway. So I might as well just take the plunge and get it over with. I can not continue this self imposed solitude. I need to get back to my life's routine.
I am trying my best to get my room more organized. I have become quite messy now that I have my freedom. I think before I had to be organized and neat as a survival technique. Now that I don't have someone constantly breathing down my neck and pointing out my flaws, I am a little too relaxed.
I have turned my broken bathroom in to a storage closet. It is going to cost way too much money to fix. I can't even use the sink in there. So I might as well utilize the space. I have my scrapbooking supplies in there. My large picture frames- seriously, why are they not in my storage unit?! I also have some bins of off season clothing and yarn to stick in there.
Pretty cool, I think.
I am also weeding out some unflattering clothing.
I just want to feel comfortable up here. As it is I spend very little time in my room. My Dad dropped a lot of money getting internet up here, and getting me a new monitor. I just need to make the area comfortable *as in, not walking around boxes* so that I want to be up here.
I put another sewing machine in the closet. So now I have the empty sewing table to use. I put a framed picture of me and Buggy on it.
Tomorrow will be busy. I am getting up early for church and Sunday school. Then it is home to wash both my BiPap equipment and Dad's CPap equipment. Then I will drop Mom off at the mall, run to one of my student's birthday parties for a brief check in, then back to pick Mom up, come home, put some laundry away, do a bit more organizing then cooking dinner. Whew!
Okay, so the reason I am only dropping by this party as opposed to staying for the whole thing is that I can not fit at the restaurant's tables. Yep.
They have those annoying chairs that are like, bolted to the floor that swivel. A heavy person's worst nightmare. Rumor has it that they do have two regular chairs there, but with all of the parents who will be there, I figure the odds of getting one are slim. And it is not like I am going to say anything like "Hey would you mind letting me have your chair, I am too fat."
Yes, another one of life's fun moments totally trashed because of the weight.
It is so sad to me that I have to think about these things. You know I figure the vast majority of people would just go to a party. I have to think ahead for things like this. I have to call and ask about their seating. Make arrangements, etc. What a waste.
But anyway, I am working on it. Maybe next year will be better :0)
The BiPap machine is really helping. I am no longer like "Ugh, I need to take a break while washing dishes." I actually have more energy. And I have lost weight since getting it, so that is fun.
I better head off to bed. The alarm is going off early in the morning. Goodnight friends. Drop me a comment to let me know if you are reading. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is LOL
I have decided to go back to church tomorrow. Or, today, technically. I will have to deal with that one group of people eventually anyway. So I might as well just take the plunge and get it over with. I can not continue this self imposed solitude. I need to get back to my life's routine.
I am trying my best to get my room more organized. I have become quite messy now that I have my freedom. I think before I had to be organized and neat as a survival technique. Now that I don't have someone constantly breathing down my neck and pointing out my flaws, I am a little too relaxed.
I have turned my broken bathroom in to a storage closet. It is going to cost way too much money to fix. I can't even use the sink in there. So I might as well utilize the space. I have my scrapbooking supplies in there. My large picture frames- seriously, why are they not in my storage unit?! I also have some bins of off season clothing and yarn to stick in there.
Pretty cool, I think.
I am also weeding out some unflattering clothing.
I just want to feel comfortable up here. As it is I spend very little time in my room. My Dad dropped a lot of money getting internet up here, and getting me a new monitor. I just need to make the area comfortable *as in, not walking around boxes* so that I want to be up here.
I put another sewing machine in the closet. So now I have the empty sewing table to use. I put a framed picture of me and Buggy on it.
Tomorrow will be busy. I am getting up early for church and Sunday school. Then it is home to wash both my BiPap equipment and Dad's CPap equipment. Then I will drop Mom off at the mall, run to one of my student's birthday parties for a brief check in, then back to pick Mom up, come home, put some laundry away, do a bit more organizing then cooking dinner. Whew!
Okay, so the reason I am only dropping by this party as opposed to staying for the whole thing is that I can not fit at the restaurant's tables. Yep.
They have those annoying chairs that are like, bolted to the floor that swivel. A heavy person's worst nightmare. Rumor has it that they do have two regular chairs there, but with all of the parents who will be there, I figure the odds of getting one are slim. And it is not like I am going to say anything like "Hey would you mind letting me have your chair, I am too fat."
Yes, another one of life's fun moments totally trashed because of the weight.
It is so sad to me that I have to think about these things. You know I figure the vast majority of people would just go to a party. I have to think ahead for things like this. I have to call and ask about their seating. Make arrangements, etc. What a waste.
But anyway, I am working on it. Maybe next year will be better :0)
The BiPap machine is really helping. I am no longer like "Ugh, I need to take a break while washing dishes." I actually have more energy. And I have lost weight since getting it, so that is fun.
I better head off to bed. The alarm is going off early in the morning. Goodnight friends. Drop me a comment to let me know if you are reading. Sometimes I wonder if anyone is LOL
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Disaster
Seriously fasting is not good. Not for me anyway.
I actually didn't feel hungry at all until about 5 PM. Then I was starving. And weak. And dizzy. So I ate the only thing I could find at work. Leftover chicken nuggets. Yum.
So yeah, now I feel even worse.
But it was interesting to finally feel hungry. My stomach did not growl or anything, which was what I was expecting. But I was really lightheaded- although I drank juice all day long, so I had some sugar.
So anyway, today was bad. Tomorrow can only be better!
I actually didn't feel hungry at all until about 5 PM. Then I was starving. And weak. And dizzy. So I ate the only thing I could find at work. Leftover chicken nuggets. Yum.
So yeah, now I feel even worse.
But it was interesting to finally feel hungry. My stomach did not growl or anything, which was what I was expecting. But I was really lightheaded- although I drank juice all day long, so I had some sugar.
So anyway, today was bad. Tomorrow can only be better!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Fasting
Well as of 7:30 PM tonight I am fasting. I am having some blood work done in the morning. I plan to continue on a juice fast throughout the rest of the day.
I bought some yummy juices:
regular orange juice
organic cranberry juice
organic apple juice
organic tomato juice
and organic morning mix, which includes pineapple juice, which I want to drink to support my kidney function
I have bottled up my juices and am ready for tomorrow after my blood work is done.
I hope to eliminate some toxins from my system as well as use my eating time for prayer and meditation. It will be nice to know what it feels like to be hungry for a change.
Thank you for reading :0)
I bought some yummy juices:
regular orange juice
organic cranberry juice
organic apple juice
organic tomato juice
and organic morning mix, which includes pineapple juice, which I want to drink to support my kidney function
I have bottled up my juices and am ready for tomorrow after my blood work is done.
I hope to eliminate some toxins from my system as well as use my eating time for prayer and meditation. It will be nice to know what it feels like to be hungry for a change.
Thank you for reading :0)
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Movie Day!
Yummy. Popcorn! :drool:
I am taking one of the chickens to see the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. He has decided that we should have popcorn and candy AND maybe stop at McDonald's too. Yikes!!
I have not really had much "bad" food lately. I am pretty sure this theater doesn't butter their popcorn, they have a place where you do it yourself, so that is good. And they have salad at McD's. Gosh I have avoided fast food like the plague. I am going to a Burger King birthday party next weekend, ack.
This will be good practice to see if I can manage to handle being in a tempting situation.
I am planning a fast this week. I am having blood work done so I plan to just continue throughout the day. I would like to see if my body can actually be hungry. I have no idea how that feels and I would like to learn. I am getting some V8 tomorrow to drink that day.
I am taking one of the chickens to see the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. He has decided that we should have popcorn and candy AND maybe stop at McDonald's too. Yikes!!
I have not really had much "bad" food lately. I am pretty sure this theater doesn't butter their popcorn, they have a place where you do it yourself, so that is good. And they have salad at McD's. Gosh I have avoided fast food like the plague. I am going to a Burger King birthday party next weekend, ack.
This will be good practice to see if I can manage to handle being in a tempting situation.
I am planning a fast this week. I am having blood work done so I plan to just continue throughout the day. I would like to see if my body can actually be hungry. I have no idea how that feels and I would like to learn. I am getting some V8 tomorrow to drink that day.
Favorite chicken
Teachers are not supposed to have favorites. And for the most part we don't. But I would be a total liar if I said that E did not have a special place in my heart.
We go way back. The first week she met me she asked me why I was fat. My coteacher freaked and took her to the side to talk to her, probably saying how that isn't nice, etc, etc. I don't know, I have never been one to have an issue with an honest question. I would much prefer an observation from a child than a rude comment yelled out of a window by a grown man. You know? :0)
When I worked the early shift she was usually the first one to arrive. Often times we would be the only two there for a half hour or so. She is very bright, so she is easy to talk to. We both love onions on our pizza and mustard on our hamburgers. And she is moody, like me LOL
And she was with me when I went blinde. So I am pretty sure that I will always remember her, because a moment like that is going to always be in your head. Just like I remember where I was when I learned about 9/11. You don't forget those things.
Every year we make these phone number books for the kids who go to Kindergarten. All of the kids write their numbers in the book with their names, and the teachers do it too. They love this because normally they have never talked to friends at this point in their life, and how cool is it to call your teacher? So it is something the group that stays in PreK for one more year looks forward to doing.
So the other day, E reminded me of the books we would make and asked me what my phone number was. I told her, she wrote it down, then another student announced "She is teasing, those are not really her numbers." LOL I think the area code threw him off. It is mandatory now in my state that we use area codes, that was a recent change. So most of the kids don't remember our area code. So he thought I was teasing because of the extra numbers.
Anyhow, today I come upstairs to find message on my cell phone. E's Mom is in a panic, stressing out that she can't believe she is actually calling me on a Saturday, but E just had to find out if I was lying about my phone number or not LOL I called her back and E was very happy to know that I told the truth, and she can't wait until Tuesday to tell the other child that I really did give her my "numbers". LOL
I guess E's Mom thinks I have a life :0) But I don't, so it is fine LOL
In August we will make these books again and my phone will ring off the hook for about 2 weeks. I love how kids are on the phone, very abrubt.
"What are you doing Miss Jaime?"
"Oh, I am making dinner."
"Okay, well, goodbye!" Click.
Love it LOL
So today was pretty boring. I slept in. I felt that my body needed the extra sleep because I am fighting a double ear infection. So I had some guilt free extra snooze time.
I spent most of my day redoing my Farmville Farm on facebook, then redoing Mom's. Exciting stuff ;)
This part is maybe TMI, and for women only. I doubt any men are reading my blog, but if they are, they have been warned!
I normally only get my period twice a year. My doctor feels this is a weight issue. Well I have had it for almost a month now, and I am going to have to make an appointment, I guess. Not heavy every day by any means. More like light spotting most days. But occasionally I will have a really heavy bout, usually in the evenings before bed. Large clots sometimes come out in the shower too after these heavy times.
I doubt there is anything that she can do. I am not willing to go on birth control pills, which is what they did when my period would not stop when I was 19.
I just wonder what my body is telling me. I mean, I am out of a stressful situation because I left my husband. That is a positive. I am using a BiPap machine at night so my sleep is actually restorative and healthy. Another positive. I have lost weight. Positive. So what is my body telling me? I feel a lot healthier now than I have been in years. So what is up with the month long wonky period?
My Mom thinks that maybe because I only had two a year that perhaps I have a lot of build up. I am not sure. If anyone out there has an idea, I would love to hear it.
We go way back. The first week she met me she asked me why I was fat. My coteacher freaked and took her to the side to talk to her, probably saying how that isn't nice, etc, etc. I don't know, I have never been one to have an issue with an honest question. I would much prefer an observation from a child than a rude comment yelled out of a window by a grown man. You know? :0)
When I worked the early shift she was usually the first one to arrive. Often times we would be the only two there for a half hour or so. She is very bright, so she is easy to talk to. We both love onions on our pizza and mustard on our hamburgers. And she is moody, like me LOL
And she was with me when I went blinde. So I am pretty sure that I will always remember her, because a moment like that is going to always be in your head. Just like I remember where I was when I learned about 9/11. You don't forget those things.
Every year we make these phone number books for the kids who go to Kindergarten. All of the kids write their numbers in the book with their names, and the teachers do it too. They love this because normally they have never talked to friends at this point in their life, and how cool is it to call your teacher? So it is something the group that stays in PreK for one more year looks forward to doing.
So the other day, E reminded me of the books we would make and asked me what my phone number was. I told her, she wrote it down, then another student announced "She is teasing, those are not really her numbers." LOL I think the area code threw him off. It is mandatory now in my state that we use area codes, that was a recent change. So most of the kids don't remember our area code. So he thought I was teasing because of the extra numbers.
Anyhow, today I come upstairs to find message on my cell phone. E's Mom is in a panic, stressing out that she can't believe she is actually calling me on a Saturday, but E just had to find out if I was lying about my phone number or not LOL I called her back and E was very happy to know that I told the truth, and she can't wait until Tuesday to tell the other child that I really did give her my "numbers". LOL
I guess E's Mom thinks I have a life :0) But I don't, so it is fine LOL
In August we will make these books again and my phone will ring off the hook for about 2 weeks. I love how kids are on the phone, very abrubt.
"What are you doing Miss Jaime?"
"Oh, I am making dinner."
"Okay, well, goodbye!" Click.
Love it LOL
So today was pretty boring. I slept in. I felt that my body needed the extra sleep because I am fighting a double ear infection. So I had some guilt free extra snooze time.
I spent most of my day redoing my Farmville Farm on facebook, then redoing Mom's. Exciting stuff ;)
This part is maybe TMI, and for women only. I doubt any men are reading my blog, but if they are, they have been warned!
I normally only get my period twice a year. My doctor feels this is a weight issue. Well I have had it for almost a month now, and I am going to have to make an appointment, I guess. Not heavy every day by any means. More like light spotting most days. But occasionally I will have a really heavy bout, usually in the evenings before bed. Large clots sometimes come out in the shower too after these heavy times.
I doubt there is anything that she can do. I am not willing to go on birth control pills, which is what they did when my period would not stop when I was 19.
I just wonder what my body is telling me. I mean, I am out of a stressful situation because I left my husband. That is a positive. I am using a BiPap machine at night so my sleep is actually restorative and healthy. Another positive. I have lost weight. Positive. So what is my body telling me? I feel a lot healthier now than I have been in years. So what is up with the month long wonky period?
My Mom thinks that maybe because I only had two a year that perhaps I have a lot of build up. I am not sure. If anyone out there has an idea, I would love to hear it.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
"We put icing on everything at Bible School!"
One year I was teaching Vacation Bible School. We would have a snack every evening and we always tied it in to a lesson. One day we were eating soft pretzels for our snack, with icing on them. One of the kids seemed shocked at having icing on his pretzel. This prompted M, one of the people in charge of snack, so say "Oh honey, we put icing on everything at Bible School!" And she was right, it really was on everything that week LOL
The food at my pre school is junk. I understand economics. So much money comes in, so much money goes out, etc. I get it. I also understand that because we are located on government property, that it is just easier to hire the same catering company that feeds the DOE in the cafeteria. After all they are right there. No hassle getting them in and off site each day to bring food.
I am not asking for a miracle or anything, but some better planning would be nice. The main problem I have is that the director seems thrilled with the food. Yuck.
We make breakfast ourselves. And by "ourselves" I mean one of the early teachers tosses something in the microwave. It is the following every single week:
cold cereal *my class always gets cheerioes, which is much better than the Lucky Charms the other classes get*
frozen pancakes
frozen waffles
frozen french toast sticks *which are really, REALLY good LOL But so bad for you!
English muffins with melted cheese on them
bagels that are just covered in butter, really, dripping, soggy with butter
mini blueberry muffins that are frozen
That is it. They rotate these choices.
I know that there are some of you out there who will post what your kids eat, and that it will be much, much worse. So I will try not to complain too much.
Lunch (recent ones I have served at work):
Today:
fish sticks that are mostly bread. And they aren't sticks, they are crumbs. I serve them with a spoon. Maybe I should start taking pictures of this. Really, it is very gross. They are soggy and usually cold. I would be embarassed to admit that I took money to serve those to people if I was the catering company.
canned green beans that are cold
grapes- yes, they were actually fresh, that is rare! I was happy with those.
Thursday: meatballs on white hotdog buns.
mixed veggies from a can- had potatoes in it too. It smelled so bad. As a teacher, I know it is important to eat in front of the kids, but you could not have paid me $1,000 to eat those veggies, they smelled that bad.
canned pineapple
Wednesday: chicken tenders- fried in veggie oil. I know this because of a peanut allergy we had, so they told us what oil they used.
Canned corn
canned pinapple
Tuesday: grilled cheese on white bread. Soaked with butter.
tomato soup
canned applesauce
Monday- the worst offender LOL Beef tacos. Basically cold meat- that is the highest fat content they can get because it is cheap- stuck in a flour soft tortilla. They can't be bothered to add anything like lettuce, tomato, nothing. Yuck.
canned corn *yes, again*
canned pears
Snacks from this week:
rice krispy treat
cheezits
cinnamon toast crunch cereal
pudding with graham crackers
raisins and saltines
Other snacks are:
cake
cookies
brownies
Trix yogurt maybe once a month
And I am expected to eat all of these meals at the table with the kids. And lose weight? I don't think so.
I actually can't eat 90% of it without litterally running to the bathroom. The beef days got so bad that I was having to use the kid's bathroom because the staff bathroom is always full- 19 females + one toilet = huge line- and it prompted one of y students to draw the following for me:
Huge yellow star "award" sign along with the caption: Miss Jaime always goes first.
I asked her what I always went first for.
Her answer: The bathroom! LOL
I don't have a gallbladder so anything that greasy makes me very sick, very fast.
I am spoiled because on the rare occasion that I eat meat at home (I might have eaten red meat maybe once a month when I was living with my husband) it is grass fed, organic, hormone free meat raised on my Aunt's farm, treated like a family pet and not a cash crop. You know, a happy cow! LOL
I have a weight problem because I make bad choices in the food that I eat. Really bad choices. I ate junk food and fast food because it tasted good.
I just think that we are setting these kids up to have health problems.
This is why I am dead set against using food as any kind of motivation. In fact, for the first year I worked there, I flat out refused to do it. I broke our long standing tradition of getting a piece of candy for doing so many practice sheets, and was giving out cute erasers instead. The kids hated it. Eventually I stopped because I figure that if their parents don't care, then maybe it was not my place to be preachy about it. And I don't think that one lollipop a week from us is going to do long term damage. But at the core level I disagree with using food.
Not that I think that any of my students is going to end up weighing as much as me. I don't. But I think we are setting one huge bad example for them.
I am more forgiving in the public schools because in my county, a lot of the kids there only eat at school. Yes, you read that right. They might only eat at school. The poverty level is huge here. The school tries to pump them full of calories so that if they don't get dinner, they are still okay.
However, I teach at a private school. The parents drive cars that are worth more than my last house. None of them are at poverty level, not one. I have been to their houses, I have been given expensive Christmas presents. Maybe some of them are in a bad financial state and are very discreet about it, but still not poverty. So I think that we can get away with serving a decent salad once in a while. And no, I don't mean some bagged iceberg lettuce that is brown on the edges. In a bowl. Just the brown iceberg, nothing else- although once I saw half of a cherry tomato in one.
I can't save the world. All of us at work have complained about the food. It isn't going to change any time soon. They used to pay out the wazoo for a company who- believe it or not- made FRESH FRUIT a DAILY snack. Who knew?!?! Yes, it was expensive, but come on, I consider this an investment in the future!
I will continue to work on my my boss. But in the meantime, I can only complain here and hope to get some sympathy LOL
But this is why I can not eat at school. I generally eat the fruit and that is my contribution to the whole "Family style eating." I feel that it is important for them to see us eating what is served, because I know that a lot of parents don't really want to cook two meals, one for them and one for the kids. But I think the food is pushing it. Oh and the hotdogs, I have nightmares about those. They are supposedly all beef, but my coworker with the pork allergy always breaks out in hives if she eats one, so I wonder what else they are misleading us about.
We get a LOT of physical exercise there. The kids are super active. We have an awesome playground set up. So they are working their little bodies and having a great time. I just wish we could fuel those bodies better!
The food at my pre school is junk. I understand economics. So much money comes in, so much money goes out, etc. I get it. I also understand that because we are located on government property, that it is just easier to hire the same catering company that feeds the DOE in the cafeteria. After all they are right there. No hassle getting them in and off site each day to bring food.
I am not asking for a miracle or anything, but some better planning would be nice. The main problem I have is that the director seems thrilled with the food. Yuck.
We make breakfast ourselves. And by "ourselves" I mean one of the early teachers tosses something in the microwave. It is the following every single week:
cold cereal *my class always gets cheerioes, which is much better than the Lucky Charms the other classes get*
frozen pancakes
frozen waffles
frozen french toast sticks *which are really, REALLY good LOL But so bad for you!
English muffins with melted cheese on them
bagels that are just covered in butter, really, dripping, soggy with butter
mini blueberry muffins that are frozen
That is it. They rotate these choices.
I know that there are some of you out there who will post what your kids eat, and that it will be much, much worse. So I will try not to complain too much.
Lunch (recent ones I have served at work):
Today:
fish sticks that are mostly bread. And they aren't sticks, they are crumbs. I serve them with a spoon. Maybe I should start taking pictures of this. Really, it is very gross. They are soggy and usually cold. I would be embarassed to admit that I took money to serve those to people if I was the catering company.
canned green beans that are cold
grapes- yes, they were actually fresh, that is rare! I was happy with those.
Thursday: meatballs on white hotdog buns.
mixed veggies from a can- had potatoes in it too. It smelled so bad. As a teacher, I know it is important to eat in front of the kids, but you could not have paid me $1,000 to eat those veggies, they smelled that bad.
canned pineapple
Wednesday: chicken tenders- fried in veggie oil. I know this because of a peanut allergy we had, so they told us what oil they used.
Canned corn
canned pinapple
Tuesday: grilled cheese on white bread. Soaked with butter.
tomato soup
canned applesauce
Monday- the worst offender LOL Beef tacos. Basically cold meat- that is the highest fat content they can get because it is cheap- stuck in a flour soft tortilla. They can't be bothered to add anything like lettuce, tomato, nothing. Yuck.
canned corn *yes, again*
canned pears
Snacks from this week:
rice krispy treat
cheezits
cinnamon toast crunch cereal
pudding with graham crackers
raisins and saltines
Other snacks are:
cake
cookies
brownies
Trix yogurt maybe once a month
And I am expected to eat all of these meals at the table with the kids. And lose weight? I don't think so.
I actually can't eat 90% of it without litterally running to the bathroom. The beef days got so bad that I was having to use the kid's bathroom because the staff bathroom is always full- 19 females + one toilet = huge line- and it prompted one of y students to draw the following for me:
Huge yellow star "award" sign along with the caption: Miss Jaime always goes first.
I asked her what I always went first for.
Her answer: The bathroom! LOL
I don't have a gallbladder so anything that greasy makes me very sick, very fast.
I am spoiled because on the rare occasion that I eat meat at home (I might have eaten red meat maybe once a month when I was living with my husband) it is grass fed, organic, hormone free meat raised on my Aunt's farm, treated like a family pet and not a cash crop. You know, a happy cow! LOL
I have a weight problem because I make bad choices in the food that I eat. Really bad choices. I ate junk food and fast food because it tasted good.
I just think that we are setting these kids up to have health problems.
This is why I am dead set against using food as any kind of motivation. In fact, for the first year I worked there, I flat out refused to do it. I broke our long standing tradition of getting a piece of candy for doing so many practice sheets, and was giving out cute erasers instead. The kids hated it. Eventually I stopped because I figure that if their parents don't care, then maybe it was not my place to be preachy about it. And I don't think that one lollipop a week from us is going to do long term damage. But at the core level I disagree with using food.
Not that I think that any of my students is going to end up weighing as much as me. I don't. But I think we are setting one huge bad example for them.
I am more forgiving in the public schools because in my county, a lot of the kids there only eat at school. Yes, you read that right. They might only eat at school. The poverty level is huge here. The school tries to pump them full of calories so that if they don't get dinner, they are still okay.
However, I teach at a private school. The parents drive cars that are worth more than my last house. None of them are at poverty level, not one. I have been to their houses, I have been given expensive Christmas presents. Maybe some of them are in a bad financial state and are very discreet about it, but still not poverty. So I think that we can get away with serving a decent salad once in a while. And no, I don't mean some bagged iceberg lettuce that is brown on the edges. In a bowl. Just the brown iceberg, nothing else- although once I saw half of a cherry tomato in one.
I can't save the world. All of us at work have complained about the food. It isn't going to change any time soon. They used to pay out the wazoo for a company who- believe it or not- made FRESH FRUIT a DAILY snack. Who knew?!?! Yes, it was expensive, but come on, I consider this an investment in the future!
I will continue to work on my my boss. But in the meantime, I can only complain here and hope to get some sympathy LOL
But this is why I can not eat at school. I generally eat the fruit and that is my contribution to the whole "Family style eating." I feel that it is important for them to see us eating what is served, because I know that a lot of parents don't really want to cook two meals, one for them and one for the kids. But I think the food is pushing it. Oh and the hotdogs, I have nightmares about those. They are supposedly all beef, but my coworker with the pork allergy always breaks out in hives if she eats one, so I wonder what else they are misleading us about.
We get a LOT of physical exercise there. The kids are super active. We have an awesome playground set up. So they are working their little bodies and having a great time. I just wish we could fuel those bodies better!
Friday, January 15, 2010
Good update
Okay so my Mom did some digging around. She is NOT his lawyer. She is strictly a divorce attorney. However, when he was in jail and was trying to bond out, her name was next on the list to represent so she had to do it. I guess all of the lawyers here have to do a certain amount of free work? But that is the only time she saw him. He had to hire another attorney once he got out of jail because all she does is divorces. That made me feel a little bit better! But still she could not talk to me because his case is not yet closed.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Tragedy, comedy, you be the judge!
I am in a good mood right now. I shouldn't be, but I am LOL
I took time off from work today, time away from my beloved chickens, to go see this lawyer. I knew it was a bad sign when I walked in and a huge dog jumped on me. Seriously, what is up with all of the dogs in my life lately??? Crazy!!
I have been allergic to dogs for years and never have I encountered them so much as I have in the past month.
Anyway, I ended up leaving Mom inside her office while I waited in the freezing cold because once I am exposed, it is over. I itch, sneeze, cough, my eyes swell, etc, etc.
It was so cold outside but I couldn't go back to the car because it was so far away, so I just sat out there and contemplated living a new life in a bubble ;)
And the crazy thing is, is that I like dogs. I really do. My friend has a hypoallergenic dog that I just love. And I have been known to take some extra medicine on hair washing day and play with the neighbor's dog. So when I see a dog in a confined space, they want to come up to me. Can you blame them? They know I am awesome! LOL I am just so allergic to them :0( And I always feel bad because it is not the dog's fault that their owner did not teach them good manners.
Anyhow, Mom told her I was allergic so she took me to another office that the dog was hardly ever in. We talked for about 20 minutes. She asked me my story. I told her about him keeping our cats and I started crying. Every once in a while it hits me that the cats are gone. And I loved them so much.
Then Mom says "Oh honey maybe B will let you see them once this is said and done." And the lawyer was like "Oh wow, I can't go further, I have a conflict!"
Yep, she is his defense lawyer. Ugh.
At least I know who will be trying to make me look bad when his trial comes up. That is good to know. I don't really respect a woman who could defend a man who treated his wife so poorly and abused, choked and threatened her. But it is all about money anyway, it is not like she does this to make changes in the world or anything.
I cried. A lot. And I prayed a lot.
She is really the only one in my price range, so I have a lot of praying to do before I decide what to do next. She is more than happy to do this for me after his trial, but again, I guess I automatically don't like her or assume that she does not have my best interests in mind.
Anyhow, I tagged along with my Mom on her doctor's appointment. We have the same one. I weighed on her scale at 462, down from 478 the last time. She has evening hours every other Thursday which I did not know, so from now on I will be going there to get weighed. Their scale is digital so there is less chance of human error on my part. Plus, they can check my BP too at the same time.
I accidentally had the "kg" pushed instead of "lb" and I was like "Wow, I lost 200 lbs, go me LOL
My doctor is on board with my weight loss. I don't really count calories. At my size I don't really have to. Just making my portions look like other people's portions works well for me. Except some of my students eat a LOT LOL But I watch my Mom and I tend to let people put food on my plate for me. Like my Dad plates breakfast when he makes it.
I try to eat three meals a day and one snack. And I try to make it a good one, not some of the junk they feed the kids. I am sorry but a brownie is NOT a snack.
I keep a bottle of water with me all day. I sometimes drink hot tea in the afternoons.
My main problem is eating a lot of something or eating twice. Like I would eat breakfast at home, then get to work and grab what the kids were eating, etc. Or I would eat lunch with the kids then grab lunch with my coworkers *it would shock you how many of my coworkers eat two lunches, and some of them can get away with it but not me*. And I would eat at night before bed.
I try to add as many veggies as I can to whatever I am eating. Meat can make me sick so I have to watch my intake. There are some foods that I can not eat at work, so I bring PB that day *thankfully no nut allergies in my room this year, that will change next year*.
Salad, salad, salad.
I try to avoid eating anything that comes out of a box. I try to avoid dairy products because they cause ear problems.
That is my only "plan" right now, if you can call it that. I find that if I put myself on a super strict "I must do this, I must do that" then I just have a disaster.
For exercise I try to walk more on the playground and when it is snowing a ton like now, I try to mall walk. I try to do less sitting and more playing. And sleep I think is very important. Since getting the BiPap machine my energy levels are up and I am not relying on a constant sugar buzz to keep me from nodding off.
My blood pressure is a lot lower since being on the BiPap as well. I am hoping to eventually be off of the BP meds.
And this sounds gross, but I try to monitor my bathroom habits. I am not whipping out a notebook and a pen or anything, but if I find myself running to the bathroom 3 times after lunch, then I am taking that as a sign that I either 1) ate too much of something or 2) shouldn't be eating it at all.
I try to note how I feel at night. Not tired? Too tired? Jumpy? I look at all of this.
I took time off from work today, time away from my beloved chickens, to go see this lawyer. I knew it was a bad sign when I walked in and a huge dog jumped on me. Seriously, what is up with all of the dogs in my life lately??? Crazy!!
I have been allergic to dogs for years and never have I encountered them so much as I have in the past month.
Anyway, I ended up leaving Mom inside her office while I waited in the freezing cold because once I am exposed, it is over. I itch, sneeze, cough, my eyes swell, etc, etc.
It was so cold outside but I couldn't go back to the car because it was so far away, so I just sat out there and contemplated living a new life in a bubble ;)
And the crazy thing is, is that I like dogs. I really do. My friend has a hypoallergenic dog that I just love. And I have been known to take some extra medicine on hair washing day and play with the neighbor's dog. So when I see a dog in a confined space, they want to come up to me. Can you blame them? They know I am awesome! LOL I am just so allergic to them :0( And I always feel bad because it is not the dog's fault that their owner did not teach them good manners.
Anyhow, Mom told her I was allergic so she took me to another office that the dog was hardly ever in. We talked for about 20 minutes. She asked me my story. I told her about him keeping our cats and I started crying. Every once in a while it hits me that the cats are gone. And I loved them so much.
Then Mom says "Oh honey maybe B will let you see them once this is said and done." And the lawyer was like "Oh wow, I can't go further, I have a conflict!"
Yep, she is his defense lawyer. Ugh.
At least I know who will be trying to make me look bad when his trial comes up. That is good to know. I don't really respect a woman who could defend a man who treated his wife so poorly and abused, choked and threatened her. But it is all about money anyway, it is not like she does this to make changes in the world or anything.
I cried. A lot. And I prayed a lot.
She is really the only one in my price range, so I have a lot of praying to do before I decide what to do next. She is more than happy to do this for me after his trial, but again, I guess I automatically don't like her or assume that she does not have my best interests in mind.
Anyhow, I tagged along with my Mom on her doctor's appointment. We have the same one. I weighed on her scale at 462, down from 478 the last time. She has evening hours every other Thursday which I did not know, so from now on I will be going there to get weighed. Their scale is digital so there is less chance of human error on my part. Plus, they can check my BP too at the same time.
I accidentally had the "kg" pushed instead of "lb" and I was like "Wow, I lost 200 lbs, go me LOL
My doctor is on board with my weight loss. I don't really count calories. At my size I don't really have to. Just making my portions look like other people's portions works well for me. Except some of my students eat a LOT LOL But I watch my Mom and I tend to let people put food on my plate for me. Like my Dad plates breakfast when he makes it.
I try to eat three meals a day and one snack. And I try to make it a good one, not some of the junk they feed the kids. I am sorry but a brownie is NOT a snack.
I keep a bottle of water with me all day. I sometimes drink hot tea in the afternoons.
My main problem is eating a lot of something or eating twice. Like I would eat breakfast at home, then get to work and grab what the kids were eating, etc. Or I would eat lunch with the kids then grab lunch with my coworkers *it would shock you how many of my coworkers eat two lunches, and some of them can get away with it but not me*. And I would eat at night before bed.
I try to add as many veggies as I can to whatever I am eating. Meat can make me sick so I have to watch my intake. There are some foods that I can not eat at work, so I bring PB that day *thankfully no nut allergies in my room this year, that will change next year*.
Salad, salad, salad.
I try to avoid eating anything that comes out of a box. I try to avoid dairy products because they cause ear problems.
That is my only "plan" right now, if you can call it that. I find that if I put myself on a super strict "I must do this, I must do that" then I just have a disaster.
For exercise I try to walk more on the playground and when it is snowing a ton like now, I try to mall walk. I try to do less sitting and more playing. And sleep I think is very important. Since getting the BiPap machine my energy levels are up and I am not relying on a constant sugar buzz to keep me from nodding off.
My blood pressure is a lot lower since being on the BiPap as well. I am hoping to eventually be off of the BP meds.
And this sounds gross, but I try to monitor my bathroom habits. I am not whipping out a notebook and a pen or anything, but if I find myself running to the bathroom 3 times after lunch, then I am taking that as a sign that I either 1) ate too much of something or 2) shouldn't be eating it at all.
I try to note how I feel at night. Not tired? Too tired? Jumpy? I look at all of this.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Back from the murky depths of the computer repair shop
And it seems to be working. My Dad got me the serious hookup on a new monitor as well. I am spoiled.
And the actual computer fix was only $52. You can't beat that price with a stick.
I have been eating so well lately. I keep waiting for it to end. Like, I can't be in control ALL of the time, that is so unlike me!!
And the actual computer fix was only $52. You can't beat that price with a stick.
I have been eating so well lately. I keep waiting for it to end. Like, I can't be in control ALL of the time, that is so unlike me!!
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
What is normal?
This will be brief as I have a double ear infection. Yucky! I woke up today feeling so crummy. I have had fluid in my ear that I just could not get to drain no matter what I tried. I am on antibiotics. I always say that I am not going to take them, but when the ears hurt this much, I run for the pharmacy LOL
Any-who. Today at lunch I ate an average portion of tomato soup and one grilled cheese sandwich. I never do that. I usually overeat, a lot. I did take seconds on the fruit. But I was satisfied. Honestly, I think most of my weight issues stem from the fact that I never actually chew and enjoy the food. I just shove it in like an after thought. Today I had good conversation- well, as good as can be expected from 4 year olds :0) But I ate, felt fine and that was it. No overeating required.
And on that note, I am super tired. Goodnight :0)
Any-who. Today at lunch I ate an average portion of tomato soup and one grilled cheese sandwich. I never do that. I usually overeat, a lot. I did take seconds on the fruit. But I was satisfied. Honestly, I think most of my weight issues stem from the fact that I never actually chew and enjoy the food. I just shove it in like an after thought. Today I had good conversation- well, as good as can be expected from 4 year olds :0) But I ate, felt fine and that was it. No overeating required.
And on that note, I am super tired. Goodnight :0)
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Long day tomorrow!
Don't you just love it when both of your coworkers call you within two hours of each other to call off for the next day? ;0)
Looks like another 10.5 hour day tomorrow. It still doesn't compare to the 15.5 hour days at my old job LOL
Here is to hoping that my little chickens use their listening ears, their indoor voices and take looooooooooooong naps for poor Miss Jaime :0)
Ah, in a perfect world, it could be "Movie Day"! But we watched one last week, and since I am the anti TV Queen, they would examine my head if I took it out again. Sometimes those self imposed rules just bite you in the backside, you know? LOL
It will be too cold to go play outside. And if the county has a delay then I will have 6 additional children from the Elementary School. Yikes. I hope there is extra staff tomorrow, because I am going to need it!! :0)
Oh well, I need the money, with the computer on the fritz.
I better go to bed. I am going in 2 hours earlier than usual. Goodnight friends :0)
Looks like another 10.5 hour day tomorrow. It still doesn't compare to the 15.5 hour days at my old job LOL
Here is to hoping that my little chickens use their listening ears, their indoor voices and take looooooooooooong naps for poor Miss Jaime :0)
Ah, in a perfect world, it could be "Movie Day"! But we watched one last week, and since I am the anti TV Queen, they would examine my head if I took it out again. Sometimes those self imposed rules just bite you in the backside, you know? LOL
It will be too cold to go play outside. And if the county has a delay then I will have 6 additional children from the Elementary School. Yikes. I hope there is extra staff tomorrow, because I am going to need it!! :0)
Oh well, I need the money, with the computer on the fritz.
I better go to bed. I am going in 2 hours earlier than usual. Goodnight friends :0)
*waving the white flag*
The computer won!!
I am officially giving in. I tried hard, really hard, for three days. I really wanted to do this myself. I wanted to do it myself so that I could be like "Yeah, STBX, I don't need you!!"
Well, I need Phil, the computer guy, because this thing is a lost cause! LOL
My Dad offered to take it in and I took him up on it. I can't get the thing ON anymore. Yikes.
On a positive note, Phil is single. Just saying! LOL
I am officially giving in. I tried hard, really hard, for three days. I really wanted to do this myself. I wanted to do it myself so that I could be like "Yeah, STBX, I don't need you!!"
Well, I need Phil, the computer guy, because this thing is a lost cause! LOL
My Dad offered to take it in and I took him up on it. I can't get the thing ON anymore. Yikes.
On a positive note, Phil is single. Just saying! LOL
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Who knew? He was right about something..
If you have read my whole blog, I am sure that I have mentioned that my STBX thought he was God's gift to computers. I constantly heard how much of an idiot I was, etc, that I wasn't smart enough to use a computer. He would unplug things so I couldn't use it when he was mad, etc.
He always told me that if I left him, my computer would stop working in a week.
It is a point of pride for me that my computer has been hooked up at my parent's house for TWO weeks and it just now broke LOL
It has a virus.
I am only admitting this here because I WANT people to tell me how crazy I am; I actually started to call him tonight for help. Yep. Even though I would have been laughed at and cussed at, I seriously dialed his phone number.
Then I was like, what am I doing?!?!?!?!?!
Do I like punishment?
So now I am pretty much at a loss. I can not figure this out. I wish I could, believe me, it is almost something I feel that I need to do for my self esteem. I found a couple of friends online who pointed me in some directions that could help. I will try that. If it still wont work, then I will take this as a sign that God does not want me online so much, and I will just have to use the family computer like I am now.
I can't afford to take it in to the shop. Someone tell me that one day I will have two quarters left over at the end of the month again, please.. because this whole using my entire paycheck to pay medical bills thing is really getting me depressed!!!
My parents are very critical of me. It seems like they are both always in a bad mood. I don't want to live here any more than they want me to live here, but I can't do anything about it, I don't have any where else to go.
Part of me wants to start looking for teaching jobs out of state that pay more than I make now. Anyone live in an area where they need teachers and have a couch I could sleep on while interviewing? LOL I love to do laundry :P
Thanks for providing a safe place to talk. I would go nuts if I did not have it some days!
He always told me that if I left him, my computer would stop working in a week.
It is a point of pride for me that my computer has been hooked up at my parent's house for TWO weeks and it just now broke LOL
It has a virus.
I am only admitting this here because I WANT people to tell me how crazy I am; I actually started to call him tonight for help. Yep. Even though I would have been laughed at and cussed at, I seriously dialed his phone number.
Then I was like, what am I doing?!?!?!?!?!
Do I like punishment?
So now I am pretty much at a loss. I can not figure this out. I wish I could, believe me, it is almost something I feel that I need to do for my self esteem. I found a couple of friends online who pointed me in some directions that could help. I will try that. If it still wont work, then I will take this as a sign that God does not want me online so much, and I will just have to use the family computer like I am now.
I can't afford to take it in to the shop. Someone tell me that one day I will have two quarters left over at the end of the month again, please.. because this whole using my entire paycheck to pay medical bills thing is really getting me depressed!!!
My parents are very critical of me. It seems like they are both always in a bad mood. I don't want to live here any more than they want me to live here, but I can't do anything about it, I don't have any where else to go.
Part of me wants to start looking for teaching jobs out of state that pay more than I make now. Anyone live in an area where they need teachers and have a couch I could sleep on while interviewing? LOL I love to do laundry :P
Thanks for providing a safe place to talk. I would go nuts if I did not have it some days!
Friday, January 8, 2010
I usually have a good sense of humor..
Really, I do. I can joke with the best of them, even about my weight. I have a running joke with a coworker that she is too short to hang things from our ceiling and I am too fat to stand on the chair. I can laugh at myself, I can!!
However, my Dad said at dinner tonight that I don't have a "real" job. Maybe it stung so much because my job was litterally the only thing I had to live for for a long, long time. That when I was cramped uncomfortably in an MRI machine for an hour and a half to find out if I had MS, the only thing that kept me from having an anxiety attack was thinking about my students.
I had a 4.0 in college. I scored in the top 15% Nationwide in my teaching exams. I have a license that is valid in any state in this country to teach anywhere from K up through 6th grade. I could get a good job no matter where I live. It wont pay much, but not everyone is motivated by money.
I spend a huge percentage of my free time trying to think of creative things for my students to do. I spend money that I don't have to make up the differnece when the school wont provide us with decent supplies. I spend 100% of my effort respecting, listening to and validating other people's most precious gifts. A point of pride for me is always doing right by my students and not just doing the easy thing. Coworkers are jealous of me because all of the kids rush in to me when I arrive, cry when I leave and the parents compliment me and seem to really love me. I get invited to birthday parties when no other teachers do. I have kids taking pictures of me so they have one at their house. I get invited to dinner. They ask me to babysit. When the weather is bad I have several families who give me directions to their house and offer a place to stay if I can't get home.
I am responsible for shaping the minds of the future of this country. I worked my butt off getting a quality education. I do all of this and I still make less than my 17 year old neighbor who works fast food.
So don't even try to tell me that I do not have a "real" job. Because really, he has no idea.
Thank you for letting me vent!
However, my Dad said at dinner tonight that I don't have a "real" job. Maybe it stung so much because my job was litterally the only thing I had to live for for a long, long time. That when I was cramped uncomfortably in an MRI machine for an hour and a half to find out if I had MS, the only thing that kept me from having an anxiety attack was thinking about my students.
I had a 4.0 in college. I scored in the top 15% Nationwide in my teaching exams. I have a license that is valid in any state in this country to teach anywhere from K up through 6th grade. I could get a good job no matter where I live. It wont pay much, but not everyone is motivated by money.
I spend a huge percentage of my free time trying to think of creative things for my students to do. I spend money that I don't have to make up the differnece when the school wont provide us with decent supplies. I spend 100% of my effort respecting, listening to and validating other people's most precious gifts. A point of pride for me is always doing right by my students and not just doing the easy thing. Coworkers are jealous of me because all of the kids rush in to me when I arrive, cry when I leave and the parents compliment me and seem to really love me. I get invited to birthday parties when no other teachers do. I have kids taking pictures of me so they have one at their house. I get invited to dinner. They ask me to babysit. When the weather is bad I have several families who give me directions to their house and offer a place to stay if I can't get home.
I am responsible for shaping the minds of the future of this country. I worked my butt off getting a quality education. I do all of this and I still make less than my 17 year old neighbor who works fast food.
So don't even try to tell me that I do not have a "real" job. Because really, he has no idea.
Thank you for letting me vent!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Feeling gross
Most of my problems with losing weight stem from the fact that I don't want to be seen as attractive. No amount of therapy is ever going to erase the fact that I was molested during two different time periods. Adding to that the fact that my husband was cruel to me, making any intimate moments with him traumatic. No matter how many coping tools I have, I just can't shake the one way I can get people to stay away from me. My weight.
Don't get me wrong, I do think I am pretty. I just realize that the weight is a great barrier in getting people to stay away from me.
I also assume that people don't like me. My STBX always told me that people didn't like me and that I was a "bad" person. He compared me to the terrorists. How many people died during 911? And I was worse than the ones responsible for that? So yeah, I always felt like I was the lowest person on earth.
Then I got this job that I have now and a coworker who was leaving to work at a new center said to me "I really hope that I can be the Miss Jaime of my new job because everyone likes you. The kids, their parents, the employees."
And that was shocking to me, like, what? Really? People LIKE me? Of course people liked the fake me. The me that was pretending that life was perfect and my husband never called me a bitch or "punished" me by destroying my property, etc. Fake Jaime was easy to like. Fake Jaime didn't EXIST!!!
So the bulk of my therapy sessions over the last year have surrounded the fact that no one actually knew the real me.
But when B went to jail, I told my boss, because I knew I would have to go to court and miss work. I am sure she meant well, but she told my coteacher. Who told someone. Who told someone. Then it was in the newspaper. Then the people at church knew. Then my Mother was comforting me on Facebook, so then everyone I have ever known since childhood knew. Then I started crying in the bathroom during nap time. And of course my Dad asked my Uncle if we could borrow his truck to move my stuff, so then the family knew. The neighbors already knew, they had known for years.
So everyone knows that I am a liar and a fraud. Enter all of that "I always thought B treated you so well." Well, DUH. Of course he did in public. But seeing as you only spent an hour a week, at best, with him, you really have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.
Then comes the "Why didn't you just leave" stuff.
1. You really have NO idea what you would do until it happens to you.
2. How is that statement helpful? Really?
3. Are you offering a place to stay? Because if not, then just stop.
So I got a little moody! And I started hiding from people. I stopped talking. And I wasn't fake Jaime anymore because my fake life was over, so it was pointless. Once everyone knew I think I went in to shock a little bit. It is violating having your privacy invaded. Yes, I know, I am blogging about this, but I don't "Know" any of you in the way that I see you every day, so I feel it is different somehow.
And I don't think that people like the real Jaime. The one who gets really tired of being the only one who does dishes at work LOL Or the one who gets overwhelmed when you use too many words to say something.
This is why I like working with children. They are easy to understand.
I don't think people want to deal with me if I can not be happy all the time *pretend to be happy all the time*. It is very, very difficult for me to be myself.
So anyhow, this fat protects me a lot. And I like it for that purpose. It is a daily struggle to fight with myself because I want so badly to keep the one thing that keeps people away from me!
I am, as always, a work in progress.
Don't get me wrong, I do think I am pretty. I just realize that the weight is a great barrier in getting people to stay away from me.
I also assume that people don't like me. My STBX always told me that people didn't like me and that I was a "bad" person. He compared me to the terrorists. How many people died during 911? And I was worse than the ones responsible for that? So yeah, I always felt like I was the lowest person on earth.
Then I got this job that I have now and a coworker who was leaving to work at a new center said to me "I really hope that I can be the Miss Jaime of my new job because everyone likes you. The kids, their parents, the employees."
And that was shocking to me, like, what? Really? People LIKE me? Of course people liked the fake me. The me that was pretending that life was perfect and my husband never called me a bitch or "punished" me by destroying my property, etc. Fake Jaime was easy to like. Fake Jaime didn't EXIST!!!
So the bulk of my therapy sessions over the last year have surrounded the fact that no one actually knew the real me.
But when B went to jail, I told my boss, because I knew I would have to go to court and miss work. I am sure she meant well, but she told my coteacher. Who told someone. Who told someone. Then it was in the newspaper. Then the people at church knew. Then my Mother was comforting me on Facebook, so then everyone I have ever known since childhood knew. Then I started crying in the bathroom during nap time. And of course my Dad asked my Uncle if we could borrow his truck to move my stuff, so then the family knew. The neighbors already knew, they had known for years.
So everyone knows that I am a liar and a fraud. Enter all of that "I always thought B treated you so well." Well, DUH. Of course he did in public. But seeing as you only spent an hour a week, at best, with him, you really have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.
Then comes the "Why didn't you just leave" stuff.
1. You really have NO idea what you would do until it happens to you.
2. How is that statement helpful? Really?
3. Are you offering a place to stay? Because if not, then just stop.
So I got a little moody! And I started hiding from people. I stopped talking. And I wasn't fake Jaime anymore because my fake life was over, so it was pointless. Once everyone knew I think I went in to shock a little bit. It is violating having your privacy invaded. Yes, I know, I am blogging about this, but I don't "Know" any of you in the way that I see you every day, so I feel it is different somehow.
And I don't think that people like the real Jaime. The one who gets really tired of being the only one who does dishes at work LOL Or the one who gets overwhelmed when you use too many words to say something.
This is why I like working with children. They are easy to understand.
I don't think people want to deal with me if I can not be happy all the time *pretend to be happy all the time*. It is very, very difficult for me to be myself.
So anyhow, this fat protects me a lot. And I like it for that purpose. It is a daily struggle to fight with myself because I want so badly to keep the one thing that keeps people away from me!
I am, as always, a work in progress.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Tuesday Blahs
I am blah-ey today. I don't think there is any reason, I just am.
For one, I miss my cats :0( I know B is taking care of them, but I still miss them :0( And no Mom, BooBoo does not make up for my three furrybabies. I love my parent's cat, but he is THEIR cat. My three were my babies. I also feel guilty for having so many medical bills that I can not move out in to my own place and take them with me. But there is nothing that can be done about it so I need to get on with it.
And this weather is making me feel blue. Snow, snow and more snow. Worrying constantly while driving. Seeing accidents. Sad :0(
And just feeling lonely.
Okay, now that I have depressed everyone LOL Carry on! :0)
For one, I miss my cats :0( I know B is taking care of them, but I still miss them :0( And no Mom, BooBoo does not make up for my three furrybabies. I love my parent's cat, but he is THEIR cat. My three were my babies. I also feel guilty for having so many medical bills that I can not move out in to my own place and take them with me. But there is nothing that can be done about it so I need to get on with it.
And this weather is making me feel blue. Snow, snow and more snow. Worrying constantly while driving. Seeing accidents. Sad :0(
And just feeling lonely.
Okay, now that I have depressed everyone LOL Carry on! :0)
Monday, January 4, 2010
Monday
Today was a so so day. I woke up an hour early with back pain. I get back pain daily now that I have the BiPap machine. Before I used to toss and turn every few minutes. My body is not used to sleeping in one place. The mattrass is brand new and never hurt me three months ago before BiPap, so I know it is not that. I am hoping that the more weight I lose, the better my back will feel. I am sure it will :)
Tomorrow we are having grilled chicken for lunch. I am probably going to eat that. I will have a slim fast for breakfast. No clue on dinner, I wish this house had a meal plan. When I lived with my husband I had the meals planned a month in advance. LOL
My Dad has already requested that I make chicken fajitas again. He is off on a quest to find the right seasoning, they stopped carrying the one I like at the one grocery store. I usually eat them without the chicken, I love the veggies so much. So it works out for us.
I am having a hard time giving up meat. I think it is a laziness and lack of planning issue more than anything. I feel that the cow that my Aunt raises every year is at least treated ethically on her farm. They treat them like pets. But still, I am sure he suffers when he goes to the slaughter house :( And I call my students "Chickens" so I will have the following conversation tomorrow with E:
E: Miss Jaime, is this dead chicken?
Me: Yes, honey.
E: You call us chickens :(
Yeah, I do call them chickens. Blah! I hate that. Of course the fact that she understands the chicken is dead does not seem to make her not want to eat it LOL I have no idea why she is so interested in this lately, maybe her parents are saying some things at home, but I am pretty sure they eat meat in that household. I just always feel like such a hypocrite eating meat. I need a plan, ladies. If I started planning this would be easier.
Tomorrow we are having grilled chicken for lunch. I am probably going to eat that. I will have a slim fast for breakfast. No clue on dinner, I wish this house had a meal plan. When I lived with my husband I had the meals planned a month in advance. LOL
My Dad has already requested that I make chicken fajitas again. He is off on a quest to find the right seasoning, they stopped carrying the one I like at the one grocery store. I usually eat them without the chicken, I love the veggies so much. So it works out for us.
I am having a hard time giving up meat. I think it is a laziness and lack of planning issue more than anything. I feel that the cow that my Aunt raises every year is at least treated ethically on her farm. They treat them like pets. But still, I am sure he suffers when he goes to the slaughter house :( And I call my students "Chickens" so I will have the following conversation tomorrow with E:
E: Miss Jaime, is this dead chicken?
Me: Yes, honey.
E: You call us chickens :(
Yeah, I do call them chickens. Blah! I hate that. Of course the fact that she understands the chicken is dead does not seem to make her not want to eat it LOL I have no idea why she is so interested in this lately, maybe her parents are saying some things at home, but I am pretty sure they eat meat in that household. I just always feel like such a hypocrite eating meat. I need a plan, ladies. If I started planning this would be easier.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Veggie Haters :P
I love veggies. Raw, cooked, seasoned or plain. Love them!!
My Mom is a veggie hater :P I made dinner for my parents both Saturday and Sunday. My Dad seemed to enjoy it. My Mom wouldn't even eat my spaghetti sauce because it had blended up veggies in it. Seriously, no one ever would have known. She told me she wanted to stop eating meat, so I just assumed that meant she would be in to eating vegetables ;)
My Dad made a gorgous salad tonight too. He makes some impressive salads. He grows most of his own salad fixings in the summer. Yum!
I even put meat in the sauce because they are both big meat eaters- it is meat raised on my Aunt's farm, grass fed, hormone free, as good as it is going to get meat wise- but still she wouldn't eat it because of those silly vegetables.
:0(
But I will still try again next weekend. There has to be something I can fix that she will like. I figure maybe she just generally hates my cooking- which very well may be true, I never really learned how to cook properly, however, my STBX is 320 pounds so I must have been doing something right LOL
Tomorrow's food:
Breakfast:
organic almond butter on an english muffin *Dad goofed and got regular instead of whole grain.. oooops!*
Lunch:
turkey and one slice of cheese with brown mustard on a whole grain sandwich thin
baked beans- I have to eat with my students, so this is my contribution to eating with them LOL
whatever fruit they serve at school
Snack:
Kashi Go Lean Crunch, plain (as in, no milk)
unsalted almonds
Dinner:
If there is any left, I will have my spaghetti and a salad. If Dad eats it for lunch, I will have either have what Mom makes or a vegan frozen meal.
My Mom is a veggie hater :P I made dinner for my parents both Saturday and Sunday. My Dad seemed to enjoy it. My Mom wouldn't even eat my spaghetti sauce because it had blended up veggies in it. Seriously, no one ever would have known. She told me she wanted to stop eating meat, so I just assumed that meant she would be in to eating vegetables ;)
My Dad made a gorgous salad tonight too. He makes some impressive salads. He grows most of his own salad fixings in the summer. Yum!
I even put meat in the sauce because they are both big meat eaters- it is meat raised on my Aunt's farm, grass fed, hormone free, as good as it is going to get meat wise- but still she wouldn't eat it because of those silly vegetables.
:0(
But I will still try again next weekend. There has to be something I can fix that she will like. I figure maybe she just generally hates my cooking- which very well may be true, I never really learned how to cook properly, however, my STBX is 320 pounds so I must have been doing something right LOL
Tomorrow's food:
Breakfast:
organic almond butter on an english muffin *Dad goofed and got regular instead of whole grain.. oooops!*
Lunch:
turkey and one slice of cheese with brown mustard on a whole grain sandwich thin
baked beans- I have to eat with my students, so this is my contribution to eating with them LOL
whatever fruit they serve at school
Snack:
Kashi Go Lean Crunch, plain (as in, no milk)
unsalted almonds
Dinner:
If there is any left, I will have my spaghetti and a salad. If Dad eats it for lunch, I will have either have what Mom makes or a vegan frozen meal.
Five months free!
It is after midnight, so technically yesterday marked five months free from my abuser!
And it feels great!!
Today was a good day. I made dinner tonight, chicken fajitas with lots of peppers and onions. Yum! My Dad seemed to like them but not so sure about my Mom. She doesn't eat a lot of vegetables so that threw her off, I think.
Tomorrow I am making spaghetti.
I am a bit bummed out because one of my favorite sets of winter pajamas do not fit me. Not even close. But that is okay, they will fit me soon enough!
I can not thank you all enough for your supportive comments. It means a lot to me that people are reading and sharing my pain and happiness. I don't feel that I have a good support system in real life, brought on by my own embarassment over the abuse. So it helps to have people to share my feelings with :0)
And it feels great!!
Today was a good day. I made dinner tonight, chicken fajitas with lots of peppers and onions. Yum! My Dad seemed to like them but not so sure about my Mom. She doesn't eat a lot of vegetables so that threw her off, I think.
Tomorrow I am making spaghetti.
I am a bit bummed out because one of my favorite sets of winter pajamas do not fit me. Not even close. But that is okay, they will fit me soon enough!
I can not thank you all enough for your supportive comments. It means a lot to me that people are reading and sharing my pain and happiness. I don't feel that I have a good support system in real life, brought on by my own embarassment over the abuse. So it helps to have people to share my feelings with :0)
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Stats as of 12/28/2009
Okay, here are my stats:
Date: 12/28/09
Weight: 458
Neck: 17.5
Bust: 65
Waist: 67
Hips: 75
Thighs: 30
Calf: 23.5
Upper Arm: 21
Pictures:
Date: 12/28/09
Weight: 458
Neck: 17.5
Bust: 65
Waist: 67
Hips: 75
Thighs: 30
Calf: 23.5
Upper Arm: 21
Pictures:
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year!
I approach this new year with mixed emotions. On one hand, I plan to make this the best decade ever. On the other hand, January 1st is my husband's birthday, so I am feeling out of sorts about it.
I am happy to not have to endure the annual birthday trip to PA to eat at a restaurant that I don't like with his family who were usually rude. So yeah, that is good for me :) I am tempted to call him to wish him a happy birthday- I told you I was sick. That is such a sick thing. I wont call him though, don't worry.
I prefer not to make a list of "resolutions" because they are pretty much just made for breaking anyhow ;) Instead I have some New Years goals that I would like to work towards:
1. Getting in to bed by 10 PM.
2. Walking 3 times a week for exercise.
3. Getting in to a routine of daily Bible study again.
4. Daily journaling, either online or with pen and paper.
5. Working towards my long term goal of eating vegan.
Those are a few things I am working towards this year. Wish me luck! :0)
I am happy to not have to endure the annual birthday trip to PA to eat at a restaurant that I don't like with his family who were usually rude. So yeah, that is good for me :) I am tempted to call him to wish him a happy birthday- I told you I was sick. That is such a sick thing. I wont call him though, don't worry.
I prefer not to make a list of "resolutions" because they are pretty much just made for breaking anyhow ;) Instead I have some New Years goals that I would like to work towards:
1. Getting in to bed by 10 PM.
2. Walking 3 times a week for exercise.
3. Getting in to a routine of daily Bible study again.
4. Daily journaling, either online or with pen and paper.
5. Working towards my long term goal of eating vegan.
Those are a few things I am working towards this year. Wish me luck! :0)
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