Thursday, May 27, 2010


Yes, I am sad. I am not overeating right now, so I am stuck feeling the feelings. And it sucks.

I am stressed out because I have to go get some papers filled out for the worker's comp claim. I just feel like this is stressful for me. I suppose it is an imposition for me to have to do all of this work. Blah.

And STBX has a lawyer to represent him in the divorce. What the hell for? So that is stressing me out.

And my phone rang at 12:30 in the morning. I have no idea who it was. That is never a good feeling,

And STBX called me to try to pawn the furniture off on me. Bite me. I am not taking it. I don't have anywhere to PUT it. Perhaps you should have thought about that before you PUNCHED ME, Asshat.

And he always went on and on and on about how it was going to be impossible to get the wooden bookshelf that was mine that I LOVED down the stairs when we moved. And that it just couldn't be done, etc, etc. So I left it and now he calls and says he moved it down the stairs and I can come pick it up.

Again, BITE ME! This is just further proof that he was full of shit and just wanted me to be miserable. He was too lazy to move the bookshelf so he told me it was impossible, but wonders of all wonders, he has it down the stairs and waiting right now. Bite. Me.

I hate him. And if I wasn't such an idiot I would recognize the number and I wouldn't have answered in the first place. But I don't want to save his number in my phone. But my memory sucks and I can never recognize the number.

Wow, I am in a miserable mood, aren't I? I blame this on lack of overeating! Ha!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Eight years, two months and twenty eight days...

That is 3008 days spent in sorrow. Three thousand and eight days of having my wings pinned down. Being told I was not good enough. Being afraid to fly.

My little 291 days of freedom pales in comparison.

Yet my 291 days of freedom are more precious to me than 291 bricks of gold.

I made a decision today. I have decided not to die young. When I sat in the bedroom last year after being treated worse than a dog, I also made a decision. Then, I decided to kill myself. I got my affairs in order and I planned my death of choice. The only thing keeping me from doing it was to think of my students and how unfair it would be to them for me to commit such a selfish act.

A year ago I decided to die. Today, I decided to live.

Days are going to come to me, they are going to add up quickly. It wont matter if I am killing myself with food or fighting for a chance to live. The days don't care, they just pile up. So I want to live a life worthy of this journey. I have had far too many bad things happen to me to allow my life to be cut short before I even get to the good stuff!

I want the good stuff!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The lessons we learn..

So for a while now I have been sort of obsessing over my STBX and his life.

Why does he have money to go out to eat and buy things, when he has no job?
Why isn't he suffering for the 8 years of abuse he put me through?
Why isn't he being punished more for what he did?

Etc, etc.

Today is the 9 year anniversary of meeting him. Nine years ago today I had really low self esteem. Nine years ago today I latched on a man who paid some attention to me and was a master manipulator. Nine years ago today began the journey that would lead me to my Mother begging me to reconsider my choice, and to many friends and coworkers ending their relationship with me because of his actions. Basically, when your boyfriend starts breaking your parent's living room furniture, perhaps that might be a sign that he is bad news!!

But anyway LOL

I can focus on the regret I have- and boy, do I have buckets of it. Or I can try to allow myself to move on.

I read a passage in Guideposts tonight that lead me to the following:

Romans 12:9-21
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection,[e] and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.[f] 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,

“I will take revenge;
I will pay them back,”[g]
says the Lord.

20 Instead,

“If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals of shame on their heads.”[h]

21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

Okay so basically, how do I know my STBX isn't suffering? Perhaps he is having to do really unpleasant things to get his income. Perhaps his parents had to give him money and he feels like less of a man. Or maybe he really isn't having any affects and he is just happy and carefree and enjoying the lazy life? But in the end, it is none of my business!

And that concept is freeing to me. It is none of my business what his life is like now. I really could care less to never see him again- except in divorce court! God is in control of B's punishment, or lack thereof, and not me. Thinking about it does what? Nothing.

So what if his life is great from here on out? Well, great for him!

But MY life is going to ROCK. All the times I was tempted to go back to him. No, no, NO! I am strong. I wont allow him to have free space in my head.

So I need to free myself from the bitterness. Is it helping? I have to believe that God has a plan. A path. Every obstacle, maybe it means something. Maybe it meant something to pick up that Guideposts tonight.

I was looking at the clouds tonight while waiting on a red light. So beautiful. I taught my students how they formed last week. This is not an accident. It can't be an accident.

Again, I suffer from the weight of what my lifestyle is doing to me. I can't die young from being overweight, what a waste!

Monday, May 3, 2010

Pity Party

I figure since people have to go out of their way to read my blog, it is okay to vent/whine/cry on here.

When I lost half of my sight, I figured I was good for a while as far as bad things happening to me. I mean, that should take you through a few years at least. Especially with the constant threat of possibly having MS hanging over my head. That should be enough.

I wonder who I pissed off.

I am cranky. And tired. Mostly afraid though. Afraid that I will be married to an abuser for the rest of my life.

I strongly suggest that no one tell me to get a lawyer. Believe me, if I had any money leftover at the end of the month, or if there was any pro bono work to be found in my area, I would already have a lawyer. The only one I could afford refused to take my case.

My Dad promised to help pay for it. Then he changed his mind. Not sure why. I don't suppose it matters, it is out of my control.

I am a little miffed at him for that. If you can't follow through, you shouldn't offer.

Anyway, it is only $160 to file for divorce. Yes, I am that broke, that I can't afford $160. WHY can't I get a second job? Why are there no jobs here?

Why do I work for $10 an hour when my test scores were off the charts and my GPA was so high? Why doesn't anyone in my family think that I am capable of moving out of state to get a real teaching job making real money with real benefits? How is my husband paying his bills when he has no job?

Okay so now I am crying.

He says I took the title to his car and he is really angry about it. I apologize because I am crying now and I can't really see the screen. The car has like, five thousand dollars owed on it and in our state they don't send a title until you pay for it. But I am scared that he will call the police and I will get in trouble, but I really don't have it. If I had the stupid title I never would have let him take the car away from me in the first place. My name is not on it. After he was arrested and he took the car from me, I bought a car in just my name. I am afraid he will take it from me too. He doesn't have a key but what is to stop him from towing it away if it is considered marital property? I didn't know anything about that or else I would have tried putting it in my parent's names instead. He says that he is getting a lawyer and that he can take my things from me. I don't have much to begin with. The only thing I own of value is my car and my Grandma's china, and technically the bank owns my car. I have a nice book collection that I owned before I met him, and the washer and dryer was mine before him too. But he says he can take that.

This was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my whole life. I don't know why I married him. I knew that he repulsed me from the moment I met him but my self esteem was so low. I didn't think that anyone else would want me, but you know what? Maybe that is true. Who cares? I would rather be alone than spend one more minute married to him.

And I have to apply for fiancial aid but I am not divorced so I have to include him. He doesn't even WORK. He hasn't worked since he went to jail. I will have to put my classes on a credit card because I can not afford to lose my license.

I am so tired of the road blocks. It is selfish of me to think that being half blind for three month should be enough. But it really should be. I don't hurt people. My husband's life is great. He is living out his dream of sitting at home all day on MY furniture *owned before I knew him* with my cats on an internet connection that I can't get out of MY name. He goes out to dinner. He can afford a lawyer. Where the hell is he getting this money? I don't have two quarters left over after paying my medical bills each month. I hate him so much. I abhor him. I loathe him. He is the most vile person on the planet. I really don't think anyone is worse than him right now. I am sure there are many worse, but right now, I just don't see it.

But there isn't anything I can do, other than save the stupid $160. Maybe over the summer I will have paid a bill off and can snowball the money. I try so hard. I want everyone to know that I try. I have been digging myself out of this hole for nine months now. And I hate him for having a better life than me. He does NOT deserve it after what he did to me. He does not deserve anything good in this world. He only deserves bad things. The things he did to me and got away with. It is so unfair.

I am tired of my coworker not coming to work. I am mad because she is going to be ranting and raving when *if* she comes back about the Mother's Day gifts not being done. When am I supposed to do those? WHEN? I WORK all the time. I never have a minute to myself, they wont pay me to work through my break and my other coworker is lazy as hell and does NOTHING while I am on break. She could have had the damn things done. I swear, if she comes to work tomorrow and bitches about those projects, I am walking out of the room.

God give me the strength to think that I deserve better than this. What are the ties that hold me here? Why did I give up my dreams for someone who was mean to me from the get go? Why did I do that? I just don't understand, why? I think if someone could tell me why I would feel better right now.

Monday, April 26, 2010

And the healing begins..

The Treasure Map has been a really positive force in my life. I can already see that it is working.

I have been drinking more water, I bought some new exercise shoes, I got my teaching license out of storage, I am looking at options to continue my education *either continuing the Library Science degree at University A or going for my Masters at University B*, and people are starting to like me again.

I am blessed with people in my life who pretty much tell it like it is. Apparently I was the Bitch of the Universe when I was with my husband. I blame that on the untreated sleep apnea and having to walk on egg shells all the time with my husband.

I really let him take a big part of me. The main part of me. I am just now getting her back.

I am starting to open the door at work and actually go out and venture in to the world of people. And I have heart countless times the past few days "You are so funny." and "I had no idea you were so funny!", etc. Basically, I am funny. I already knew this. But I just never let anyone see this.

And it feels good to laugh. Gosh it had been so long since I had laughed when I was with STBX. I have a standing break time chat session with a coworker. I spend each Wednesday with at least one, if not two, others. I am enjoying getting to know people. And even if we are just all standing around complaining about the drama or the budget cuts, etc, at least I am interacting. I actually have people upset if I don't say hi to them when I walk by. Before no one could have cared less.

I feel good that I am giving myself the opportunity to be me.

I am thinking that it is probably okay if I move away to get a teaching job. I figure it is okay if I am paid what I am worth for a change, instead of always settling for a low paying job because that is all my STBX ever thought I was worth.

And I drinking Crystal Light again. I could not drink that for months, not after he threw that two gallon pitcher at me. It just representing so much hate and shame for me. I am glad I got over that hangup, because I really enjoy drinking it.

I think it is okay to laugh in the kitchen while the kids are napping. It is okay to joke with my coworkers, even though admittedly I often do not understand the music they listen to or some of the slang that they use. Which is odd because we are all around the same age. But I feel safe. I don't feel judged. No one is whispering behind my back anymore because I am no longer hiding in the domestic violence closet.

Yes, my husband was a total jerk. Yes, he was evil and he did terrible things to me. No, it does not define me. It does not take away from who I am. I deserve to smile. I deserve to laugh. I deserve to get to know other people and to let them get to know me.

I deserve to go back to school if I want to. I deserve to move out of state and get a better job, if I want to. I deserve to eat healthy 95% of the time and to have some ice cream once in a while. I deserve to move my body and to enjoy it when I work up a sweat and feel my muscles moving. Nothing is holding me down. Nothing is holding me back. Nothing is out of my reach. I am capable. I am intelligent. Just because one man on the planet was totally out of touch with reality does not mean that I must live DOWN to his expectations.

It is good to be me, right now.

However, I will admit that the thought of registering for college scares the crap out of me for many reasons. One reason is that I tend to get overwhelmed when large documents are in front of me. And two, I can't fit in the desks and getting one is a huge ordeal. However, now that my Mom works at University A, I figure I wont have a problem because she is kind of scary ;) And thinking about moving to work scares me so much.

I am trying to embrace these fears. "I am safe, it is only change" is written right on my Treasure Map. I am safe, I can do it, God wont steer me towards anything that I can't deal with. Whew.

Monday, April 19, 2010

I finished my Treasure Map

And it is fabulous! I love it! Here is a link to the picture if you would like to see it :0)

I worked really hard on it and I think it looks good. Mainly, I am hoping to be more of my true self this year. And to work hard on establishing a healthy relationship with God and maybe finding a new church. And getting healthier is also on there. Career change, perhaps! Following my dreams!

I changed my routine around so that I can exercise in the mornings, then shower and go off to work. I am doing Walk Away the Pounds with Leslie Sansone. The DVD I have right now is called "Walking the Walk" and it has a book with it.

Things are going well for me right now. Very calm and relaxing at the moment.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


My STBX is useless. And no, I am not being mean again. I am just stating what appears to be a fact :P

He is only allowed to talk to me about the divorce. Other than that he isn't allowed to contact me. Fine. So I e-mailed him asking if he had the copies of the last two year's tax forms, because I need them to file for divorce.

This is off topic- but does anyone know how you can get those forms if you don't have them? I mean, somewhere, someone has had flood damage or a house fire and has lost their documents, yet they can get divorced. I need to know how they did that. Because I don't think he will ever look for them- because he is useless.

Anyhow, I e-mailed asking that several days ago.

My STBX is OCD. He would spend a half an hour arranging the shower curtain in a certain way so it would dry properly. Being disheveled is not in his vocabulary. He has a ridiculous filing system. It would take him all of one minute to open the cabinent and see if the taxes were in there. Neatly labeled, of course.

He is just lazy and doesn't want to look. So I sent him another e-mail asking if he had a chance to look yet. He wrote back that it was on his to-do list and I needed to get over my expectation of a quick reply.

I wrote back that I expected very little of him. What I really wanted to say was "Is getting a JOB on your to-do list?" Or "Well it shouldn't take you too long, since you do NOTHING."

But I did not say that, but I really wanted to. Because, you know, he is useless and stuff.

Just give me the stupid papers so I can get divorced.