Monday, April 26, 2010

And the healing begins..

The Treasure Map has been a really positive force in my life. I can already see that it is working.

I have been drinking more water, I bought some new exercise shoes, I got my teaching license out of storage, I am looking at options to continue my education *either continuing the Library Science degree at University A or going for my Masters at University B*, and people are starting to like me again.

I am blessed with people in my life who pretty much tell it like it is. Apparently I was the Bitch of the Universe when I was with my husband. I blame that on the untreated sleep apnea and having to walk on egg shells all the time with my husband.

I really let him take a big part of me. The main part of me. I am just now getting her back.

I am starting to open the door at work and actually go out and venture in to the world of people. And I have heart countless times the past few days "You are so funny." and "I had no idea you were so funny!", etc. Basically, I am funny. I already knew this. But I just never let anyone see this.

And it feels good to laugh. Gosh it had been so long since I had laughed when I was with STBX. I have a standing break time chat session with a coworker. I spend each Wednesday with at least one, if not two, others. I am enjoying getting to know people. And even if we are just all standing around complaining about the drama or the budget cuts, etc, at least I am interacting. I actually have people upset if I don't say hi to them when I walk by. Before no one could have cared less.

I feel good that I am giving myself the opportunity to be me.

I am thinking that it is probably okay if I move away to get a teaching job. I figure it is okay if I am paid what I am worth for a change, instead of always settling for a low paying job because that is all my STBX ever thought I was worth.

And I drinking Crystal Light again. I could not drink that for months, not after he threw that two gallon pitcher at me. It just representing so much hate and shame for me. I am glad I got over that hangup, because I really enjoy drinking it.

I think it is okay to laugh in the kitchen while the kids are napping. It is okay to joke with my coworkers, even though admittedly I often do not understand the music they listen to or some of the slang that they use. Which is odd because we are all around the same age. But I feel safe. I don't feel judged. No one is whispering behind my back anymore because I am no longer hiding in the domestic violence closet.

Yes, my husband was a total jerk. Yes, he was evil and he did terrible things to me. No, it does not define me. It does not take away from who I am. I deserve to smile. I deserve to laugh. I deserve to get to know other people and to let them get to know me.

I deserve to go back to school if I want to. I deserve to move out of state and get a better job, if I want to. I deserve to eat healthy 95% of the time and to have some ice cream once in a while. I deserve to move my body and to enjoy it when I work up a sweat and feel my muscles moving. Nothing is holding me down. Nothing is holding me back. Nothing is out of my reach. I am capable. I am intelligent. Just because one man on the planet was totally out of touch with reality does not mean that I must live DOWN to his expectations.

It is good to be me, right now.

However, I will admit that the thought of registering for college scares the crap out of me for many reasons. One reason is that I tend to get overwhelmed when large documents are in front of me. And two, I can't fit in the desks and getting one is a huge ordeal. However, now that my Mom works at University A, I figure I wont have a problem because she is kind of scary ;) And thinking about moving to work scares me so much.

I am trying to embrace these fears. "I am safe, it is only change" is written right on my Treasure Map. I am safe, I can do it, God wont steer me towards anything that I can't deal with. Whew.

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