Thursday, April 1, 2010

My heart is broken

I am so dramatic. It has been drama central at work this week because the two teachers I work with currently hate each other.

I have a really bad sinus headache right now. The Neti Pot didn't help much, although it got a ton of gunk out of there. I can't take a decongestant because I have high BP, so I don't want to mess with that. Although if I am still in this much pain tomorrow, I might stop at the pharmacy and get one on the way to work. You know, one thing my STBX was really good at was draining my sinuses. He had a knack of doing it and I can't teach my Dad how to do it because he is scared he will hurt me. Something STBX obviously never worried about :P

I have a feeling that I might cry myself to sleep tonight, which is bad for a couple of reasons. 1- the sinus headache and 2- the BiPap mask. So I am hoping to type this out and release it to the Universe somehow. Maybe it will help. I tried to vent on MDC but I don't think anyone knows what I am saying because of the Swedish Chef thing. And can I just say that my church totally ruined my April's Fool's Day fun on there? I was too upset to really enjoy it :0(

So my head hurt all day and my coworkers can't be in the same room together. That was the beginning of my day. Then I come home and my Mom gets mad at me for not leaving the shower curtain open.

Well, the reason I never did is because if I had left it open when I lived with STBX, he would have yelled at me and thrown a fit and possibly hidden the curtain so I couldn't shower again. So it is sort of ingrained in me to always close it. And really, all she had to do was tell me, you can't really expect me to remember from 8 years ago when I last lived here. I have been here for 7 months, you are just now mentioning it?!

Anyhow. I have blogged before about the Worst Five Week Time Period Known To Man. Going half blind, not knowing if I had MS, IV steroids, getting punched and having my STBX arrested, having surgery and my Mom having to move me in to their house, having STBX take my car from me and losing my medical insurance. Then the ladder hitting my new car, but that was small in comparrison. It really hurt me that my church did not call me during this time. Especially when I heard about them gossiping about me. Really? You can gossip- which is in the Bible you know- but you can't call and check on me?

I have held that in for a long time now. I never spoke of it to any church friends. It is hard to go to church now. I felt that I had given so much of myself to them over the years, that maybe they might care somewhat for me when my life went to crap? I don't know. I guess overall I feel very unpopular.

Not that I want to be popular. But if you had any idea the amazing support I have received from total strangers on the internet. Really, amazing. It is because of you people that my faith in humanity hasn't been totally shot.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I take on my responsibility for the mess my life ended up in. And I am rebuilding. I know that I complain about my STBX a lot, but really, I take most of the responsibility for being with him upon myself. I made my bed and I lied in it for years. I had the chance to walk away from him one month in to our relationship and I did not do it.

I was desperate, I did not feel that I could do any better, and I did that to myself.

But I so badly wanted someone to call me and say "Hey, I heard what happened. That sucks. I will pray for you."

Do I deserve to have support from my church family? I have to say that yes, I believe I do deserve that. I think that I deserve to have my phone ringing off the hook. Yes, I said it. That might be entitlement speaking, but that is how I feel. I deserve to have some of the people who I went to visit in the hospital maybe come and visit me. I was totally alone. I don't think anyone understands that. I had never once in my life been alone before. Then the police came to my house and they cuffed him and they took him away. And I was alone for the first time in 30 years being alive. I went directly from my parent's house to his house. I never had been alone at night before. When he went out of town I was at my parent's house. I could have gone there, yes, but I did not want to leave the cats. So I was alone in the house and I was having anxiety attacks and I had to go on medication *temporarily, for some reason I feel the need to make it clear that I am no longer on it*, and my Dad was so angry and couldn't talk to me without yelling about STBX and my Mom was mad at me for having him arrested, and I was just really alone. So maybe I needed that damn phone to ring. Or I needed someone to come to my house after the CT surgery to help me pack. I don't know. Maybe I needed a friend? I wish I knew how to get some! Someone once described me as being popular online. Yet in real life I am quite litterally alone.

I think it's funny, the contrast in that.

So today I get a church bulletin in the mail. One of the church members wrote an essay about how people shouldn't play Farmville on Facebook. Well, yeah, so he is on my facebook list and I sort of play Farmville. I had many church members on there and I don't think any others except maybe one play it, so I am thinking "Is he talking about me?"

Then they put this note in, with an envelope, saying "Here is your envelope, please mail us your Easter offering!"

God forgive me for saying this, but my very first thought was: Bite me.

I dare say that I am bitter about this. Just a little. So basically when my life went to crap and I couldn't spend hours upon hours doing church work for free anymore, you drop me like a hot potato. But when you want some money, you think it is okay to just send me an envelope?

Again, bite me.

I don't have any beef with God. It is not His fault that some of His people are totally insensitive.

When I was in college I lived with my parents and went to church in my old town. My Mom is the kind of Christian who wont go to church when they take communion, because it takes too long, and who really only goes when she thinks the neighbors will be there and she wants to look good. Her choice. I sat in an Ash Wednesday service and the ladies behind me where whispering about how I rode the bus instead of having a car and about how my Mom never comes with me, etc. I put my head down and I cried. It hurt to hear people talking about me. Today, I would probably have just turned around and said "I can hear you!"

So I think that maybe I am just not cut out for attending church. I am not getting out of it what I put in, not by a longshot. I did not do the things for my church that I did in order to get anything in the long run- but I stand by my statement that I deserved to be emotionally supported. Which is free, it wouldn't have cost them any of the money that I tithed to them. :P

So I sent them an e-mail. It was short. I just basically told them why I would not be sending in my Easter offering. And that I felt unsupported during my time of need. And to please remove me from their mailing list. I seriously can't get any more mail from them asking for money, it makes me livid.

This has helped me a great deal because it has taught me that when the going gets rough, I can only rely on myself- and my Mother. She might fly off the handle and take my ex's calls and think I was wrong for turning him in, but at least she lets me live here for free and puts food in my stomach.

So now that I have made myself sound like an entitled brat, I am going to bed. I am reading "Dear John" right now. Oh man, how I wish I could have felt like that once in my life. The whole being in love and feeling like you have known someone forever and feeling safe. My husband hurt my feelings and made me feel kind of nauseated most of the time. I wish I hadn't given myself to him. I wish I had held out for someone who deserved me. Heck, does anyone deserve me? Maybe not. I can't help but feel jealous when I read these things. Is love really like that? Please tell me that it is. Please tell me that it is possible to feel so good about another human being? What is being in love like? Do you feel good inside? I never felt good inside. I read those words and I think that it must really be that way for some people, or else how could the author write about it?


  1. (((hug))) You DO deserve to be supported by your church family. Everyone does. And I sincerely hope that you eventually find your spiritual home, a place where you not only feel His presence but that has a true community that you can belong to. Not just a "give us your money but be quiet and don't ruffle any feathers" kind of community, but a true community where people care about you as an individual. You are NOT an entitled brat for saying that, far far far from it.

  2. I just wanted to give you a hug. I am having a self pity day over here, I am sick and feeling really alone and lonely. Reading your post made me realize that life is not all about me in my tiny little island of life. Sometimes it is easy to feel alone, I feel alone quite often. Life is hard.

    I am so sorry about your church. I think you def. did the right thing by sending them that letter. I am sorry though, I know it must be very painful for you and frustrating to not have had the support that you deserve from your church. It might sound bad but I have had bad experiences from church and that is why I feel a little jaded and have a hard time believing that church is the way to go. I am sure there are good churches out there, I hope we both find one someday.

    As for the Dear John book. I feel the same way as you. It is hard for me to believe that there could really be love out there like that. I guess I am scared that I will never find it. I won't let go of hope though and I truly hope that there is love out there that is that way and that we will find it one day. I have to say we are two pretty awesome ladies and we deserve to be loved and spoiled!

  3. I've been following your blog here and there for a couple of months. So I guess you could call me one more internet stranger who is behind you and supporting you. I'll try to comment more often. I know that comments on my blog always encourage me.

    There are so many other ways to celebrate your spirituality than by going to church. Maybe you'll find a church that suits you better, maybe you won't. I'm not religious at all, but I believe there's so much more to it than just attending church. Live your life the best you can...that's all it really is. And you are doing that. Despite the Gossipy Gossipers who tried to bring you down. ;-)