Saturday, March 27, 2010

Uh, life.

I got my period today. The first since the three month long period from heck. Thanks to the birth control pills for finally stopping it.

So today is Saturday and I spent my evening watching "The Big Bang Theory" while playing Tetris on an emulator the STBX installed on my computer while chatting with my Dad. It hit me how, sort of pathetic that was. However, it is still better than my old life where I would have been hiding from my husband the entire weekend.

I am really dissatisfied with my church. On July 17th I went half blind. I was in the hospital for a while and they were thinking I might have MS. They still aren't sure about that. August 2nd my husband punched me in a rage and was arrested. On August 1th I had surgery. I moved back in with my parents on September 2nd-ish. I could be off on the exact dates. But that is close.

No one from my church called me during this time or asked how I was, etc.

This causes a great deal of distress for me, because I was so active in my church. For years I was active. Sunday school, Children's Church, founding member of various committees dedicated to safety of the kids, Wednesday night Children's Choir, made countless blankets and shawls for the prayer shawl ministry. I did these things because it made me happy to give back to something. But it hurt a lot when no one called to check on me when my life basically fell apart.

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. My Mom works with several church members and they gossiped about me a lot. It is to be expected. I was a liar and pretended to have one of those good marriages for so long. I guess I deserved to be gossiped about.

I realize that a new Pastor took over during the summer and perhaps things would have been different if the old Pastor was still there when this happened. But where were my crochet group friends? My Children's choir friend did ask my Mom about me. She was the only one who wasn't just pumping my Mom for gossip information.

I have tried going back to church a few times. It is very uncomfortable for me because so many of my church friends on Facebook are also friends with the man who abused me for 9 years. I am going to openly admit that I do expect people to take sides. It might be childish, but it is true. He made fun of my church friends, saying that Christians were idiots- including me, of course, I am Queen Idiot. I mean, if they want to be friends with someone who makes fun of them behind their backs and who only went to church on some weeknights to eat, so be it. I sincerly doubt he will ever have a conversion and come to know God. Not that it isn't possible because I believe God can do anything He wants, but my STBX is too much of a narccissist to believe in anything higher than himself.

I used to go to the hospital all the time to see church people. How many cards did I sign for people who were sick? How many prayer shawls did I make? I did this because I cared about them. So I can only deduct that I was not amongst the cared for.

But I get it, I am a liar. Hi, my name is Jaime and I had a fake wedding because I had tricked myself in to thinking that I deserved to be punched for asking to borrow a jump drive. I am a liar. I get it. Lying is a sin, whatever.

I don't know. I feel like to not be supported during this time was like another slap in the face.

I feel like I invested years of my life in to people who couldn't be bothered to check in on me when they were trying to decide if I had a debilitating disease. Which I could still have and they wont know until the spots show up on my brain. That is serious, I think. Isn't that serious?

I am probably being selfish. Who knows. I think that it is sad when coworkers that I hardly know care more for me than people I have spent 6 years of my life building a relationship with.

But I was not a member of that church. I went for years but never officially joined. Maybe you have to be a member? I don't know.

This church was not even a good fit for me, really. It was like going to a rock concert. The music was so... weird. I am an old fashioned girl, I guess. I prefer the hymnal to the rock lyrics. I like it to be traditional. I am too old school, perhaps, for this church.

And I am also not nearly as open minded as they are. Am I admitting that? I think I might be more conservative than I orginally thought. All going back to my old self, like I mentioned before. My STBX lead me away from a lot of my old pastimes and interests.

Before I met him I used to write all the time. I loved it. Poetry, short stories, I was always writing. Creating. He told me that was stupid so I stopped. I used to like to go to the movies. He said it was too expensive, so I stopped. I wasn't even allowed to wash my car. So many rules he had on me. He told me church was stupid so for a long time I didn't go. He was upset when I went back. He didn't like me to watch court shows on TV, so I did it in secret. I can't help it, I love Judge Judy. Sadly I can't watch it anymore because the VCR wont work with our satellite dish. Bummer.

I used to wear makeup. And perfume. And fix my hair. He did't like it so I stopped.

I used to wash my face and use nice lotion. He said it was stupid, so I stopped.

I had nice shower gels and I would use those. He said it was expensive so I stopped.

I used to love to scrapbook but he didn't see the point so I stopped.

I used to like to have nice scented candles but he didn't like me to burn them so I stopped. He used to throw them at me a lot when he got mad. I still have the last candle he ever threw at me in my bottom drawer. I want to keep it because I want the reminder of what I am never going to have happen again.

I used to love to draw. But he told me I wasn't good at it so I stopped.

I also liked to sing, I was in my church choir where we used to live. But he said I was bad at it so I stopped that too.

My Mother made us a Christmas wreath to hang on our door and he didn't like it so he tore it down and ripped the ornaments off of it. She made a Valentine's one too but he didn't like it so he would throw it on the floor.

I had to do the dishes how he wanted and grocery shop how he wanted and make the koolaid how he wanted. I never got to do anything the way I wanted. My opinions didn't matter. Why did I give myself away?

The only thing I liked to do that he allowed me to do was crochet. I wonder why? Really.. I wonder why was I allowed to crochet? He even let me spend money on yarn every month. What were his motives for that, I wonder?

Sorry for the depressing post. I think my point was to gather input on my church situation. Am I being a big baby? Or do I have a point? And does anyone know why I gave myself away? I would love to know that too :0(


  1. You have a point..and a reason to be bitter however the only one who will ever be hurt by this bitterness is you. Now that you have written it all down, perhaps you can let it go.

    Meanwhile...rediscover your self. Start writing again(don't worry about how good or bad it is, it gave you pleasure, do it). Talk to the pastor of the church about the feelings..he probably is completely unaware if he's new. Start drawing. Start taking yourself back now. I think it's time. I'm guessing that your church friends don't know how. You knew how..but they don't. Perhaps let go of expectations, humans are so predictably human. As you love yourself more you will see you are worthy of love and acceptance and it will come to you.

    You are a divine are deserving based solely on that.


  2. Yep I need to let it go, it has been a long time. I just feel so awkward at church now. I can not stand the whispers or when I hear that people are gossiping. They shouldn't be doing that. I don't gossip about church members with my Mom so they should not do it about me. Or maybe they should just do it when there is no way I will find out about it LOL

  3. One thing that changed my entire life. Repeat this sentence frequently and live it daily.

    "What you think of me is none of my business" and add to that "free yourself from the good opinion of others." The first one is a "I don't care and don't tell me what others thing" and the second one is "so what, you don't like me, I like me" sentiment. You cannot please's hard to please anybody. Please yourself. :)


  4. ((HUG))

    I think it's high time that you find a new church. I have lots of things to say about how you were treated by your "so called" brothers and sisters in Christ during your illness and your divorce from an abusive husband, but none of them are pleasant and some of them probably aren't very Christian.

    It breaks my heart when I hear of people who are supposed to by Christ like in their behavior towards others (especially to those who are enduring hardships) and they act petty, mean, and uncaring. This is why so many people hate Christ and turn their backs on His word.

    Anyway, you need to move on. And, for what it's worth, I think that you should talk with that Pastor about your reasons why because he needs to be aware of what is going on. If it's a large church, the Pastor often relies on those around him to keep him in the loop of all the happenings..

    Find a new church home. One where you will really feel Christ's love surround you and where the members will support and encourage you.

  5. They went to your mom for information and still came out of it friending him on facebook?? So open-minded their brains leaked out, it sounds like.

    Try talking to the pastor, but have an idea of what you want from the conversation best case and worst case.

    And I'd be sure to spread the word that the court ordered STBX to stay away from the church. As in, go right up to one of the gossiping $#*%&s and tell her "Hi, yep, I'm out of the hospital and away from the abusive SOB who thought punching a blind woman was fun, thanks for asking, speaking of the wife beater you recently friended on facebook, the court has ordered him to stay away from this church, so if you see him around, let the police know, thanks!"

    Because frankly, I think burning your bridges with this church is the way to go and if you're going to burn a bridge, do it with gusto.