Sunday, April 11, 2010

Conditional Love

My computer is still in the shop, so I've not had time to update as much as usual.

Today was a bad day for me. I cried a lot. I am very frustrated.

My Mom got mad at me because I yelled at an egg. Basically I couldn't get the damn egg peeled so I threw it in the sink and yelled at it. She got in my face screaming that I have to respect her in her house. I didn't realize that yelling at an egg was disrespectful, but fine, I aplogized, whatever.

I resent being treated like a child. I can't do anything right according to her. I was trying to cook my meals for the week and she said I was doing it wrong. Well, you don't have to eat it!! She said that I had to cook the pot roast for three hours today, even though I knew there was not a snowball's chance in hell that that dang roast weighed enough to warrent three hours. But far be it from me to doubt her highness. So I put it in for three hours and she bitched about it being done an hour before dinner. DUH! I told you that it would not take three hours to cook!

I just resent the conditional love that seems to be offered by the people in my life.

My Father loves me.. as long as I am not a lesbian and I don't date any African American, Asian or Latino men.

My Mother loves me.. as long as I don't have purple hair or get my nose pierced.

My husband loved me.. (admittedly he only said he loved me about 4 times total over the 8 years, but humor me on this one) as long as I did everything that he said and worshipped him and acted like a "good girl".

Does anyone love me just for who I am? What is wrong with just loving me for me. I am not nearly as bad of a person as the Big Three people in my life think that I am!


  1. I love you just for who you are. I think you are an amazing person and you inspire me to keep going and changing and growing. I know how hard it is. My parents are also so hard on me and I hate the conditional love and the love with strings attached.

    You have so much potential and I can't wait to see what happens for you in your life. BTW treasure map starts tomorrow, I am so excited! :)

  2. I struggle with similar issues. I went to get help and the one thing she said to me that stuck with me to this day is that "you deserve to be loved because you breathe".

    I cried when she said that, because I didn't even love myself. Love yourself first. Know yourself.

    We have a choice when someone insults us, puts us down, or talks down to us. We can let their words hit us like bricks -- knock us down, give us bruises, break bones, etc. Or, we could let their words hit us like water. It washes over us, it dries up and fades to nothing. It might even clean us while they do. But if we believe what they say, if we feel the same way about us as they do, then that's when their words hurt so much.

    YOU have the power to love yourself. Not because of the way you look. Not because you are a good cook. Not because you are a good wife. Not because you are a good daughter. But because you breathe! That's all.

    Look within yourself for the strength that you seek. It's there! You CAN do it. I know you don't want to die -- Look to yourself for the love that you DESERVE.

    Everyone deserves to be loved. Including you.