Monday, May 3, 2010

Pity Party

I figure since people have to go out of their way to read my blog, it is okay to vent/whine/cry on here.

When I lost half of my sight, I figured I was good for a while as far as bad things happening to me. I mean, that should take you through a few years at least. Especially with the constant threat of possibly having MS hanging over my head. That should be enough.

I wonder who I pissed off.

I am cranky. And tired. Mostly afraid though. Afraid that I will be married to an abuser for the rest of my life.

I strongly suggest that no one tell me to get a lawyer. Believe me, if I had any money leftover at the end of the month, or if there was any pro bono work to be found in my area, I would already have a lawyer. The only one I could afford refused to take my case.

My Dad promised to help pay for it. Then he changed his mind. Not sure why. I don't suppose it matters, it is out of my control.

I am a little miffed at him for that. If you can't follow through, you shouldn't offer.

Anyway, it is only $160 to file for divorce. Yes, I am that broke, that I can't afford $160. WHY can't I get a second job? Why are there no jobs here?

Why do I work for $10 an hour when my test scores were off the charts and my GPA was so high? Why doesn't anyone in my family think that I am capable of moving out of state to get a real teaching job making real money with real benefits? How is my husband paying his bills when he has no job?

Okay so now I am crying.

He says I took the title to his car and he is really angry about it. I apologize because I am crying now and I can't really see the screen. The car has like, five thousand dollars owed on it and in our state they don't send a title until you pay for it. But I am scared that he will call the police and I will get in trouble, but I really don't have it. If I had the stupid title I never would have let him take the car away from me in the first place. My name is not on it. After he was arrested and he took the car from me, I bought a car in just my name. I am afraid he will take it from me too. He doesn't have a key but what is to stop him from towing it away if it is considered marital property? I didn't know anything about that or else I would have tried putting it in my parent's names instead. He says that he is getting a lawyer and that he can take my things from me. I don't have much to begin with. The only thing I own of value is my car and my Grandma's china, and technically the bank owns my car. I have a nice book collection that I owned before I met him, and the washer and dryer was mine before him too. But he says he can take that.

This was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my whole life. I don't know why I married him. I knew that he repulsed me from the moment I met him but my self esteem was so low. I didn't think that anyone else would want me, but you know what? Maybe that is true. Who cares? I would rather be alone than spend one more minute married to him.

And I have to apply for fiancial aid but I am not divorced so I have to include him. He doesn't even WORK. He hasn't worked since he went to jail. I will have to put my classes on a credit card because I can not afford to lose my license.

I am so tired of the road blocks. It is selfish of me to think that being half blind for three month should be enough. But it really should be. I don't hurt people. My husband's life is great. He is living out his dream of sitting at home all day on MY furniture *owned before I knew him* with my cats on an internet connection that I can't get out of MY name. He goes out to dinner. He can afford a lawyer. Where the hell is he getting this money? I don't have two quarters left over after paying my medical bills each month. I hate him so much. I abhor him. I loathe him. He is the most vile person on the planet. I really don't think anyone is worse than him right now. I am sure there are many worse, but right now, I just don't see it.

But there isn't anything I can do, other than save the stupid $160. Maybe over the summer I will have paid a bill off and can snowball the money. I try so hard. I want everyone to know that I try. I have been digging myself out of this hole for nine months now. And I hate him for having a better life than me. He does NOT deserve it after what he did to me. He does not deserve anything good in this world. He only deserves bad things. The things he did to me and got away with. It is so unfair.

I am tired of my coworker not coming to work. I am mad because she is going to be ranting and raving when *if* she comes back about the Mother's Day gifts not being done. When am I supposed to do those? WHEN? I WORK all the time. I never have a minute to myself, they wont pay me to work through my break and my other coworker is lazy as hell and does NOTHING while I am on break. She could have had the damn things done. I swear, if she comes to work tomorrow and bitches about those projects, I am walking out of the room.

God give me the strength to think that I deserve better than this. What are the ties that hold me here? Why did I give up my dreams for someone who was mean to me from the get go? Why did I do that? I just don't understand, why? I think if someone could tell me why I would feel better right now.


  1. Found this blog through MDC. Just wanted to send you some good thoughts~ I wish you much peace and healing~~~

  2. On the one hand, it's too bad you and STBX don't live in this town.

    On the other hand, your gentle Christian soul wouldn't approve of what would happen to him if he did live here.