Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The lessons we learn..

So for a while now I have been sort of obsessing over my STBX and his life.

Why does he have money to go out to eat and buy things, when he has no job?
Why isn't he suffering for the 8 years of abuse he put me through?
Why isn't he being punished more for what he did?

Etc, etc.

Today is the 9 year anniversary of meeting him. Nine years ago today I had really low self esteem. Nine years ago today I latched on a man who paid some attention to me and was a master manipulator. Nine years ago today began the journey that would lead me to my Mother begging me to reconsider my choice, and to many friends and coworkers ending their relationship with me because of his actions. Basically, when your boyfriend starts breaking your parent's living room furniture, perhaps that might be a sign that he is bad news!!

But anyway LOL

I can focus on the regret I have- and boy, do I have buckets of it. Or I can try to allow myself to move on.

I read a passage in Guideposts tonight that lead me to the following:

Romans 12:9-21
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection,[e] and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.[f] 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,

“I will take revenge;
I will pay them back,”[g]
says the Lord.

20 Instead,

“If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals of shame on their heads.”[h]

21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

Okay so basically, how do I know my STBX isn't suffering? Perhaps he is having to do really unpleasant things to get his income. Perhaps his parents had to give him money and he feels like less of a man. Or maybe he really isn't having any affects and he is just happy and carefree and enjoying the lazy life? But in the end, it is none of my business!

And that concept is freeing to me. It is none of my business what his life is like now. I really could care less to never see him again- except in divorce court! God is in control of B's punishment, or lack thereof, and not me. Thinking about it does what? Nothing.

So what if his life is great from here on out? Well, great for him!

But MY life is going to ROCK. All the times I was tempted to go back to him. No, no, NO! I am strong. I wont allow him to have free space in my head.

So I need to free myself from the bitterness. Is it helping? I have to believe that God has a plan. A path. Every obstacle, maybe it means something. Maybe it meant something to pick up that Guideposts tonight.

I was looking at the clouds tonight while waiting on a red light. So beautiful. I taught my students how they formed last week. This is not an accident. It can't be an accident.

Again, I suffer from the weight of what my lifestyle is doing to me. I can't die young from being overweight, what a waste!


  1. Maybe he's putting it all on credit cards and will suffer for it later.

  2. Good for you! Your life is yours and you can live it in joy :) *hugs*