I can't sleep.
I have this overwhelming urge lately to have a life that is not wasted. This feeds in to my previous post a little, so bare with me.
I just feel like there has to be some reason that I am alive. God doesn't just throw people here randomly. There is a reason I was born to the parents I was and that I married the man that I did and that I teach the children that I do. I really believe that.
I don't really believe in coincidence.
I just wish I knew what my purpose was. Like, if God could send me a sign or something, that would be most appreciated ;)
Which is why I want so badly to live. I don't want to die young from being heavy. What a waste. I don't want the 8 years I spent being treated badly to be for nothing.
My Mother lost both of her breasts to cancer when I was 4. And when she tells women to do their monthly self exams and to get a mammogram after a certain age, it is like, "Okay, great, thanks." But when you see someone who is being abused by their partner, there are not a lot of places you can go with that. I mean, hello, a good friend of mine is a therapist and told me a year before I left that it wouldn't matter what he said to me anyhow, because I was not ready to hear the message.
So sometimes I get frustrated because I want to reach through the computer and say to someone in a similar situation "Hey your life doesn't have to be like this. It is scary now, but it doesn't have to stay this way. You can do it!"
But I remember when people said that to me when I was still in the thick of things and I remember being very annoyed by it all. So I am left to wonder if that is what God wants me to do with it? What does He want me to do with this life experience?
So then I think that maybe it is my students who will have the benefit of this knowledge, even though they wont realize it now. If I teach them now that they should always be respected and treated nicely by their friends, maybe that will leak in to their lives when they are older and they wont stick around if a boyfriend/girlfriend is treating them badly. Sometimes I just want to hold them and tell them that they are strong and deserve to be appreciated and loved. And that they should never let anyone make them feel bad about themselves.
One of my coworkers today said outloud "I am a bad person." And I was like "What?! No! You are not a bad person!!!" That is like nails on a chalkboard for me. All because she forgot to mention something that I wouldn't have even thought twice about. And it is such a powerful thing to say in front of little kids. We have to be so careful what we say in front of them. So much of my life right now is rebuilding my self esteem. I was told that I was bad all the time by the ex. I didn't even wash the dishes correctly. Oddly enough my Grandmother, Mother and all of my Aunts wash/ed dishes the same way as I do and they are/were not "bad". But he just found fault with every single thing that I did. So my motto right now is "There is nothing wrong with me!"
This is who I am. I can be a little moody when I don't have enough sleep. I am a terrible singer but I love to do it. I can't hide a single emotion as it is always written all over my face. And you know what? That is fine. That is me. I don't want to be anybody else.
So what is my purpose of being here on the planet? I will let you know as soon as I figure it out ;)