Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Feeling gross

Most of my problems with losing weight stem from the fact that I don't want to be seen as attractive. No amount of therapy is ever going to erase the fact that I was molested during two different time periods. Adding to that the fact that my husband was cruel to me, making any intimate moments with him traumatic. No matter how many coping tools I have, I just can't shake the one way I can get people to stay away from me. My weight.

Don't get me wrong, I do think I am pretty. I just realize that the weight is a great barrier in getting people to stay away from me.

I also assume that people don't like me. My STBX always told me that people didn't like me and that I was a "bad" person. He compared me to the terrorists. How many people died during 911? And I was worse than the ones responsible for that? So yeah, I always felt like I was the lowest person on earth.

Then I got this job that I have now and a coworker who was leaving to work at a new center said to me "I really hope that I can be the Miss Jaime of my new job because everyone likes you. The kids, their parents, the employees."

And that was shocking to me, like, what? Really? People LIKE me? Of course people liked the fake me. The me that was pretending that life was perfect and my husband never called me a bitch or "punished" me by destroying my property, etc. Fake Jaime was easy to like. Fake Jaime didn't EXIST!!!

So the bulk of my therapy sessions over the last year have surrounded the fact that no one actually knew the real me.

But when B went to jail, I told my boss, because I knew I would have to go to court and miss work. I am sure she meant well, but she told my coteacher. Who told someone. Who told someone. Then it was in the newspaper. Then the people at church knew. Then my Mother was comforting me on Facebook, so then everyone I have ever known since childhood knew. Then I started crying in the bathroom during nap time. And of course my Dad asked my Uncle if we could borrow his truck to move my stuff, so then the family knew. The neighbors already knew, they had known for years.

So everyone knows that I am a liar and a fraud. Enter all of that "I always thought B treated you so well." Well, DUH. Of course he did in public. But seeing as you only spent an hour a week, at best, with him, you really have no idea what is going on behind closed doors.

Then comes the "Why didn't you just leave" stuff.

1. You really have NO idea what you would do until it happens to you.
2. How is that statement helpful? Really?
3. Are you offering a place to stay? Because if not, then just stop.

So I got a little moody! And I started hiding from people. I stopped talking. And I wasn't fake Jaime anymore because my fake life was over, so it was pointless. Once everyone knew I think I went in to shock a little bit. It is violating having your privacy invaded. Yes, I know, I am blogging about this, but I don't "Know" any of you in the way that I see you every day, so I feel it is different somehow.

And I don't think that people like the real Jaime. The one who gets really tired of being the only one who does dishes at work LOL Or the one who gets overwhelmed when you use too many words to say something.

This is why I like working with children. They are easy to understand.

I don't think people want to deal with me if I can not be happy all the time *pretend to be happy all the time*. It is very, very difficult for me to be myself.

So anyhow, this fat protects me a lot. And I like it for that purpose. It is a daily struggle to fight with myself because I want so badly to keep the one thing that keeps people away from me!

I am, as always, a work in progress.


  1. Wow - what a wonderfully insightful post. You put words to a lot of what I feel too. I feel like my fat sort of protects me, keeps in invisible and undesirable. I too have gone through periods in my life of being "fake", and then just retreating when things got a bit too "real"... And, you know, a lot of this started after a rape. :( So, while of course I can't totally understand everything you have been through (only you can do that), a lot of what you are saying has really resonated with me. I hope someday you feel brave enough to share to "real" you... I can promise you, that people will love you, and no one expects you to be perfect or happy all the time. Flaws are good. It's what makes us human and... real. :)

    Sending you mental hugs right and and cheering you on (anonymously, secretly, safely) from the sidelines.

    One day at a time. One minute at a time, if necessary. You can do this.


  2. Breathe in the Holy Spirit ......Exhale the junk....... praying for you dear.