Sad

Yes, I am sad. I am not overeating right now, so I am stuck feeling the feelings. And it sucks.

I am stressed out because I have to go get some papers filled out for the worker's comp claim. I just feel like this is stressful for me. I suppose it is an imposition for me to have to do all of this work. Blah.

And STBX has a lawyer to represent him in the divorce. What the hell for? So that is stressing me out.

And my phone rang at 12:30 in the morning. I have no idea who it was. That is never a good feeling,

And STBX called me to try to pawn the furniture off on me. Bite me. I am not taking it. I don't have anywhere to PUT it. Perhaps you should have thought about that before you PUNCHED ME, Asshat.

And he always went on and on and on about how it was going to be impossible to get the wooden bookshelf that was mine that I LOVED down the stairs when we moved. And that it just couldn't be done, etc, etc. So I left it and now he calls and says he moved it down the stairs and I can come pick it up.

Again, BITE ME! This is just further proof that he was full of shit and just wanted me to be miserable. He was too lazy to move the bookshelf so he told me it was impossible, but wonders of all wonders, he has it down the stairs and waiting right now. Bite. Me.

I hate him. And if I wasn't such an idiot I would recognize the number and I wouldn't have answered in the first place. But I don't want to save his number in my phone. But my memory sucks and I can never recognize the number.

Wow, I am in a miserable mood, aren't I? I blame this on lack of overeating! Ha!

Eight years, two months and twenty eight days...

That is 3008 days spent in sorrow. Three thousand and eight days of having my wings pinned down. Being told I was not good enough. Being afraid to fly.

My little 291 days of freedom pales in comparison.

Yet my 291 days of freedom are more precious to me than 291 bricks of gold.

I made a decision today. I have decided not to die young. When I sat in the bedroom last year after being treated worse than a dog, I also made a decision. Then, I decided to kill myself. I got my affairs in order and I planned my death of choice. The only thing keeping me from doing it was to think of my students and how unfair it would be to them for me to commit such a selfish act.

A year ago I decided to die. Today, I decided to live.

Days are going to come to me, they are going to add up quickly. It wont matter if I am killing myself with food or fighting for a chance to live. The days don't care, they just pile up. So I want to live a life worthy of this journey. I have had far too many bad things happen to me to allow my life to be cut short before I even get to the good stuff!

I want the good stuff!

The lessons we learn..

So for a while now I have been sort of obsessing over my STBX and his life.

Why does he have money to go out to eat and buy things, when he has no job?
Why isn't he suffering for the 8 years of abuse he put me through?
Why isn't he being punished more for what he did?

Etc, etc.

Today is the 9 year anniversary of meeting him. Nine years ago today I had really low self esteem. Nine years ago today I latched on a man who paid some attention to me and was a master manipulator. Nine years ago today began the journey that would lead me to my Mother begging me to reconsider my choice, and to many friends and coworkers ending their relationship with me because of his actions. Basically, when your boyfriend starts breaking your parent's living room furniture, perhaps that might be a sign that he is bad news!!

But anyway LOL

I can focus on the regret I have- and boy, do I have buckets of it. Or I can try to allow myself to move on.

I read a passage in Guideposts tonight that lead me to the following:

Romans 12:9-21
9 Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good. 10 Love each other with genuine affection,[e] and take delight in honoring each other. 11 Never be lazy, but work hard and serve the Lord enthusiastically.[f] 12 Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying. 13 When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them. 15 Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep. 16 Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!

17 Never pay back evil with more evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable. 18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.

19 Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say,

“I will take revenge;
I will pay them back,”[g]
says the Lord.

20 Instead,

“If your enemies are hungry, feed them.
If they are thirsty, give them something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap
burning coals of shame on their heads.”[h]

21 Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

Okay so basically, how do I know my STBX isn't suffering? Perhaps he is having to do really unpleasant things to get his income. Perhaps his parents had to give him money and he feels like less of a man. Or maybe he really isn't having any affects and he is just happy and carefree and enjoying the lazy life? But in the end, it is none of my business!

And that concept is freeing to me. It is none of my business what his life is like now. I really could care less to never see him again- except in divorce court! God is in control of B's punishment, or lack thereof, and not me. Thinking about it does what? Nothing.

So what if his life is great from here on out? Well, great for him!

But MY life is going to ROCK. All the times I was tempted to go back to him. No, no, NO! I am strong. I wont allow him to have free space in my head.

So I need to free myself from the bitterness. Is it helping? I have to believe that God has a plan. A path. Every obstacle, maybe it means something. Maybe it meant something to pick up that Guideposts tonight.

I was looking at the clouds tonight while waiting on a red light. So beautiful. I taught my students how they formed last week. This is not an accident. It can't be an accident.

Again, I suffer from the weight of what my lifestyle is doing to me. I can't die young from being overweight, what a waste!

Pity Party

I figure since people have to go out of their way to read my blog, it is okay to vent/whine/cry on here.

When I lost half of my sight, I figured I was good for a while as far as bad things happening to me. I mean, that should take you through a few years at least. Especially with the constant threat of possibly having MS hanging over my head. That should be enough.

I wonder who I pissed off.

I am cranky. And tired. Mostly afraid though. Afraid that I will be married to an abuser for the rest of my life.

I strongly suggest that no one tell me to get a lawyer. Believe me, if I had any money leftover at the end of the month, or if there was any pro bono work to be found in my area, I would already have a lawyer. The only one I could afford refused to take my case.

My Dad promised to help pay for it. Then he changed his mind. Not sure why. I don't suppose it matters, it is out of my control.

I am a little miffed at him for that. If you can't follow through, you shouldn't offer.

Anyway, it is only $160 to file for divorce. Yes, I am that broke, that I can't afford $160. WHY can't I get a second job? Why are there no jobs here?

Why do I work for $10 an hour when my test scores were off the charts and my GPA was so high? Why doesn't anyone in my family think that I am capable of moving out of state to get a real teaching job making real money with real benefits? How is my husband paying his bills when he has no job?

Okay so now I am crying.

He says I took the title to his car and he is really angry about it. I apologize because I am crying now and I can't really see the screen. The car has like, five thousand dollars owed on it and in our state they don't send a title until you pay for it. But I am scared that he will call the police and I will get in trouble, but I really don't have it. If I had the stupid title I never would have let him take the car away from me in the first place. My name is not on it. After he was arrested and he took the car from me, I bought a car in just my name. I am afraid he will take it from me too. He doesn't have a key but what is to stop him from towing it away if it is considered marital property? I didn't know anything about that or else I would have tried putting it in my parent's names instead. He says that he is getting a lawyer and that he can take my things from me. I don't have much to begin with. The only thing I own of value is my car and my Grandma's china, and technically the bank owns my car. I have a nice book collection that I owned before I met him, and the washer and dryer was mine before him too. But he says he can take that.

This was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my whole life. I don't know why I married him. I knew that he repulsed me from the moment I met him but my self esteem was so low. I didn't think that anyone else would want me, but you know what? Maybe that is true. Who cares? I would rather be alone than spend one more minute married to him.

And I have to apply for fiancial aid but I am not divorced so I have to include him. He doesn't even WORK. He hasn't worked since he went to jail. I will have to put my classes on a credit card because I can not afford to lose my license.

I am so tired of the road blocks. It is selfish of me to think that being half blind for three month should be enough. But it really should be. I don't hurt people. My husband's life is great. He is living out his dream of sitting at home all day on MY furniture *owned before I knew him* with my cats on an internet connection that I can't get out of MY name. He goes out to dinner. He can afford a lawyer. Where the hell is he getting this money? I don't have two quarters left over after paying my medical bills each month. I hate him so much. I abhor him. I loathe him. He is the most vile person on the planet. I really don't think anyone is worse than him right now. I am sure there are many worse, but right now, I just don't see it.

But there isn't anything I can do, other than save the stupid $160. Maybe over the summer I will have paid a bill off and can snowball the money. I try so hard. I want everyone to know that I try. I have been digging myself out of this hole for nine months now. And I hate him for having a better life than me. He does NOT deserve it after what he did to me. He does not deserve anything good in this world. He only deserves bad things. The things he did to me and got away with. It is so unfair.

I am tired of my coworker not coming to work. I am mad because she is going to be ranting and raving when *if* she comes back about the Mother's Day gifts not being done. When am I supposed to do those? WHEN? I WORK all the time. I never have a minute to myself, they wont pay me to work through my break and my other coworker is lazy as hell and does NOTHING while I am on break. She could have had the damn things done. I swear, if she comes to work tomorrow and bitches about those projects, I am walking out of the room.

God give me the strength to think that I deserve better than this. What are the ties that hold me here? Why did I give up my dreams for someone who was mean to me from the get go? Why did I do that? I just don't understand, why? I think if someone could tell me why I would feel better right now.

And the healing begins..

The Treasure Map has been a really positive force in my life. I can already see that it is working.

I have been drinking more water, I bought some new exercise shoes, I got my teaching license out of storage, I am looking at options to continue my education *either continuing the Library Science degree at University A or going for my Masters at University B*, and people are starting to like me again.

I am blessed with people in my life who pretty much tell it like it is. Apparently I was the Bitch of the Universe when I was with my husband. I blame that on the untreated sleep apnea and having to walk on egg shells all the time with my husband.

I really let him take a big part of me. The main part of me. I am just now getting her back.

I am starting to open the door at work and actually go out and venture in to the world of people. And I have heart countless times the past few days "You are so funny." and "I had no idea you were so funny!", etc. Basically, I am funny. I already knew this. But I just never let anyone see this.

And it feels good to laugh. Gosh it had been so long since I had laughed when I was with STBX. I have a standing break time chat session with a coworker. I spend each Wednesday with at least one, if not two, others. I am enjoying getting to know people. And even if we are just all standing around complaining about the drama or the budget cuts, etc, at least I am interacting. I actually have people upset if I don't say hi to them when I walk by. Before no one could have cared less.

I feel good that I am giving myself the opportunity to be me.

I am thinking that it is probably okay if I move away to get a teaching job. I figure it is okay if I am paid what I am worth for a change, instead of always settling for a low paying job because that is all my STBX ever thought I was worth.

And I drinking Crystal Light again. I could not drink that for months, not after he threw that two gallon pitcher at me. It just representing so much hate and shame for me. I am glad I got over that hangup, because I really enjoy drinking it.

I think it is okay to laugh in the kitchen while the kids are napping. It is okay to joke with my coworkers, even though admittedly I often do not understand the music they listen to or some of the slang that they use. Which is odd because we are all around the same age. But I feel safe. I don't feel judged. No one is whispering behind my back anymore because I am no longer hiding in the domestic violence closet.

Yes, my husband was a total jerk. Yes, he was evil and he did terrible things to me. No, it does not define me. It does not take away from who I am. I deserve to smile. I deserve to laugh. I deserve to get to know other people and to let them get to know me.

I deserve to go back to school if I want to. I deserve to move out of state and get a better job, if I want to. I deserve to eat healthy 95% of the time and to have some ice cream once in a while. I deserve to move my body and to enjoy it when I work up a sweat and feel my muscles moving. Nothing is holding me down. Nothing is holding me back. Nothing is out of my reach. I am capable. I am intelligent. Just because one man on the planet was totally out of touch with reality does not mean that I must live DOWN to his expectations.

It is good to be me, right now.

However, I will admit that the thought of registering for college scares the crap out of me for many reasons. One reason is that I tend to get overwhelmed when large documents are in front of me. And two, I can't fit in the desks and getting one is a huge ordeal. However, now that my Mom works at University A, I figure I wont have a problem because she is kind of scary ;) And thinking about moving to work scares me so much.

I am trying to embrace these fears. "I am safe, it is only change" is written right on my Treasure Map. I am safe, I can do it, God wont steer me towards anything that I can't deal with. Whew.

I finished my Treasure Map

And it is fabulous! I love it! Here is a link to the picture if you would like to see it :0)

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=72104&l=ce578f9de3&id=100000880402818

I worked really hard on it and I think it looks good. Mainly, I am hoping to be more of my true self this year. And to work hard on establishing a healthy relationship with God and maybe finding a new church. And getting healthier is also on there. Career change, perhaps! Following my dreams!

I changed my routine around so that I can exercise in the mornings, then shower and go off to work. I am doing Walk Away the Pounds with Leslie Sansone. The DVD I have right now is called "Walking the Walk" and it has a book with it.

Things are going well for me right now. Very calm and relaxing at the moment.

Useless

My STBX is useless. And no, I am not being mean again. I am just stating what appears to be a fact :P

He is only allowed to talk to me about the divorce. Other than that he isn't allowed to contact me. Fine. So I e-mailed him asking if he had the copies of the last two year's tax forms, because I need them to file for divorce.

This is off topic- but does anyone know how you can get those forms if you don't have them? I mean, somewhere, someone has had flood damage or a house fire and has lost their documents, yet they can get divorced. I need to know how they did that. Because I don't think he will ever look for them- because he is useless.

Anyhow, I e-mailed asking that several days ago.

My STBX is OCD. He would spend a half an hour arranging the shower curtain in a certain way so it would dry properly. Being disheveled is not in his vocabulary. He has a ridiculous filing system. It would take him all of one minute to open the cabinent and see if the taxes were in there. Neatly labeled, of course.

He is just lazy and doesn't want to look. So I sent him another e-mail asking if he had a chance to look yet. He wrote back that it was on his to-do list and I needed to get over my expectation of a quick reply.

I wrote back that I expected very little of him. What I really wanted to say was "Is getting a JOB on your to-do list?" Or "Well it shouldn't take you too long, since you do NOTHING."

But I did not say that, but I really wanted to. Because, you know, he is useless and stuff.

Just give me the stupid papers so I can get divorced.

Muxed Up Puzzle

So we got a new puzzle some time ago at work. It doesn't come in a box, so the kids are pretty much on their own to put the picture together. The puzzle only has two shapes of pieces, so they pretty much all fit together, no matter if it makes the right picture or not.

I was sitting at the table with one of my students, and she put the puzzle together. The picture was this fabulous jumbled up mess. I don't think more than two pieces could have been in the "right" place. I thought to myself that there is no way she will be able to figure this out, because even I had a hard time with looking at it being all jumbled. I would have had to take it apart and start again.

However, she, very simply, changed one piece at a time, until eventually it was right. I just watched her and was amazed by the process. And it made me think about my life.

My life is a puzzle, and the pieces are all mixed up, for sure. But I can sort it out one piece at a time. It will take a while, but in the end I will be back together again. Thanks for giving me hope, M!

Conditional Love

My computer is still in the shop, so I've not had time to update as much as usual.

Today was a bad day for me. I cried a lot. I am very frustrated.

My Mom got mad at me because I yelled at an egg. Basically I couldn't get the damn egg peeled so I threw it in the sink and yelled at it. She got in my face screaming that I have to respect her in her house. I didn't realize that yelling at an egg was disrespectful, but fine, I aplogized, whatever.

I resent being treated like a child. I can't do anything right according to her. I was trying to cook my meals for the week and she said I was doing it wrong. Well, you don't have to eat it!! She said that I had to cook the pot roast for three hours today, even though I knew there was not a snowball's chance in hell that that dang roast weighed enough to warrent three hours. But far be it from me to doubt her highness. So I put it in for three hours and she bitched about it being done an hour before dinner. DUH! I told you that it would not take three hours to cook!

I just resent the conditional love that seems to be offered by the people in my life.

My Father loves me.. as long as I am not a lesbian and I don't date any African American, Asian or Latino men.

My Mother loves me.. as long as I don't have purple hair or get my nose pierced.

My husband loved me.. (admittedly he only said he loved me about 4 times total over the 8 years, but humor me on this one) as long as I did everything that he said and worshipped him and acted like a "good girl".

Does anyone love me just for who I am? What is wrong with just loving me for me. I am not nearly as bad of a person as the Big Three people in my life think that I am!

A letter to my husband

Okay so I have been working on this for a few days now. It is a letter that I wrote to my husband, and at the end to my cats, my MIL and to myself. It is a letter detailing what I wish I had had the courage to say to his face. I will never send him this letter. It is a way for me to let go. I want to cleanse the negative energy from my life.

I will warn you that it can be dark and possibly triggering and maybe even offensive to some people. If you are really sensitive then maybe you shouldn't read it. I will not post any comments that seem to be judgements against me. I own my feelings and I am entitled to them.

Dear B,
I met you when I was 22 years old. I still remember the circumstances surrounding that. I was working with a friend of yours. He thought we would get along. I had never had a boyfriend before. I had never been kissed. I was living a pretty sheltered life with my parents. I had never lived alone or really ever done anything on my own. I was taking a break from college because my Mother enrolled me when I was 17. I almost flunked out, and I think I did that to rebel against her. I resented that she would not let me do what I wanted to do. Which was go to Mortuary College. Everyone thought I was crazy for wanting that, but it was my dream. I felt that my parents had raised me to be unable to take care of myself, so it was never really an option for me to move to another state to attend college (there are no Mortuary Colleges in West Virginia).
I gave my coworker my phone number to give to you. I did not think you would ever call, but you did. I remember seeing your name on my parent’s caller ID. Immediately, you pressured me in to meeting you that night. I did. I never really felt any sparks. I didn’t feel much of anything for you, actually. You were supposed to be going away for your summer job in a week anyhow. I did not think that I would ever see you again. But you did not stay there, instead you came back. And we started what would be a disastrous relationship. I can not help but wonder how my life would have been different had you not been unhappy with the living conditions of your job and come home.
I don’t really remember the details clearly of this time. I remember always thinking that you were not very ambitious. I worked a lot, as much as I could, actually. I was always working. I started working at 15. I worked two, even three jobs at a time. You would work in the summer then just hang out the rest of the year. You played a lot of video games. And your hygiene left a lot to be desired. You didn’t see the point in brushing your teeth or wearing deodorant, and you always looked like a slob.
I truly have no idea how I ended up with you. Neither did anyone else in my life. But I suspect my childhood played a big roll in that.
From the time I was 7 I have battled my weight. My Mother used to feed me diet pills as a child. She had this obsession with me not getting fat. My Father always told me that “Boys wouldn’t like fat girls.” I truly never did think that I would be worthy of anyone loving me. My Father also told me that when I grew up my husband would beat me for not being a good enough housekeeper. So it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I did not think I could do any better and decided to latch on to the only man to pay attention to me.
I never felt anything. Kissing you made me feel sick. Being imitate made me feel worse. I would try so hard to come up with excuses to avoid being intimate with you. I have no idea why you would want to stay with me anyhow since I didn’t want to sleep with you. Not that you could have found another woman who would want to be with you. I really think I was the only one and will remain the only one. Many times I truly wondered if I could be a lesbian, because you repulsed me so much.
The first real abuse that I can remember was when you told me that I was worse than the terrorists who crashed in to the World Trade Center. You said that I was bad because when I was a teenager I ripped a picture of a figure skater out of a magazine. I got caught and had to pay a large fee to the library. That was the extent of my “bad side”. You were a full out cleptomaniac and admitted to stealing books from the local bookstore- however, my magazine picture was worse than that. I never could understand that- however, you were a genius and I believed that you were smarter than me. Of course you wouldn’t have passed English 101 without my help, but still I felt totally inferior in your presence.
The first physical abuse that I remember happened because I did not lavish enough attention on you in front of your friends. You were really mad because I knew a fact that you did not know. You were livid that I would do that in front of your friends. You did not speak to me for days. When I tried to talk to you about it, you backhanded me on your parent’s front porch. I felt that for days. I could feel your hand on my face.
You did not apologize for that. And when I told you later on that I would never allow you to hit me again you laughed at me. Obviously I did not follow through.
When you destroyed my parent’s living room furniture, my Dad banned you from our house. I still did not leave you, despite the damage. I was so stupid.
What hurt me the most was that you took away my choices. You made me do the dishes the way you wanted. You made me grocery shop in the order that you wanted. You made me put the shower curtain in a certain way like you wanted. You would not let me wash my car if I wanted. I was not allowed to eat some of the foods that you did not like. And what is worse, is that you made me feel ignorant for the way I did or liked things.
You called me “idiot” all the time. And “bitch”. I remember when you locked the computer so I couldn’t do my online assignments. You had a password set up and the question was “What are you?” And I would have to type in “A bitch” every time I wanted to do my homework. That broke me, B. I want you to know that that broke me. I want you to know how bad you made me feel. I want you to know how terrible I think that you are.
I believe that you are Satan. When I went blind in my right eye and they weren’t sure (and still aren’t) if I had MS, you punched me from the right side. You came at me on the side I was blind in so that I couldn’t see it coming. You are a coward. You are not a man. You never will be a real man. Real men do not hit their wives.
I remember the time you got mad at me at a gas station and you left me there. My purse was in the car. So here I am, no clue how far from home I am (we were traveling), no phone, no money, no nothing. I waited for a long time. You finally came back and asked me if I was ready to behave. If I was a good girl, I could get back in the car.
Fuck you. That is what I should have said. I didn’t. But I wish I had. If I could do this all over again, it would have been totally different.
I never stood up for myself. I never told you that I deserved better. I have no idea why. I had nothing to lose, you were already hurting me.
I ate. A lot. It was my only way to deal with the pain. I gained over 200 pounds. I don’t even recognize myself when I look at pictures before I met you.
I went back to college. I had a 4.0 GPA. I scored off the charts on my teaching license exams. I scored in the top 15% nationwide over a five-year period of time. Everyone at my University hated me because I was acing everything. You called me an idiot, and even after achieving all of that, I believe it.
But I am not an idiot. You are an idiot. You will never find another woman who will even want to go on a date with you, let alone marry you. I can’t help but think that the same will not be true for me. Because I am a good person. I am smart. I am funny and witty. I am not skinny, but I am working on it. I do nice things for people. I treat people with respect. I make people laugh. I am a motivated person. I am passionate about my career. I reach out to help people who are in the same situation and I encourage them and try to help them to see that there is life on the other side of abuse. I am none of the things you called me. I don’t have to wash the dishes the way someone else wants me to. I can hang my keys up on the keychain holder if I want to. I can wash my car anytime I want to. I don’t have to ask for permission to do anything. I am 31 years old. I am an adult. An educated, capable, fabulous grown up. I have a lot to offer the world. I dare say that the man who captures my heart is pretty freaking lucky!
And most of all, I deserve to feel good. I deserve to feel happy. I deserve to laugh freely. I deserve to hold my head up high and to be proud of my accomplishments. I deserve to be treated respectfully and to never have to live in fear of the next slap or kick. I deserve to make friends and KEEP THEM because I don’t have to be scared of what you will do or say to them to keep them from talking to me.
And I can promise you this- I will never settle for anyone less than what I deserve. EVER AGAIN! So if there is a person out there on the planet that might be for me- I wish you luck in convincing me of that. My STBX has made it that much harder for you. But I am worth it!
I have decided to forgive you, because that is a gift that I am giving myself. I have earned that piece of mind. I still think you are evil, but I can not keep playing the “What if” game in my mind. I picked wrong. I made a bad choice. It is time to let it go and move on. I put up with your abuse for eight years and 88 days. And I am thankful every single day that it wasn’t eight years and 89 days.
So goodbye. I am sure that I will see you in reference to the divorce. I will miss the cats. If you ever do meet someone, I hope that you are able to learn from your mistakes. I hope that you can treat her with respect and love. But mostly, I hope that you live alone forever, because I don’t think you can ever be with someone in a gentle, loving way.
So, this is officially it. I will no longer allow you to take up so much space in my head. I have $1.00 of energy a day, and I intend to use it on ME and MY interests. Not on my mistakes and your abuse. I think that could possibly be the best gift I will ever give myself.

Cornflake, BooBerry and CocoaPuffs- I love you and I am sorry that I had to leave you behind. I was financially unable to take care of you when I left. The marriage counselor said that B loved you far more than he would ever love me, so I feel secure that you are well taken care of. I am sorry that you experienced pain or felt as if I had abandoned you. I know that you are just animals, but truly, if I could take on your pain, I would. I know that you have forgotten me, because the time I saw you, you did not remember me. I am thankful for that.
MIL- you were a good friend to me over the years. I am sorry that I can no longer maintain a friendship with you. I will miss going to see figure skating with you and the times we spent sitting at your dinning room table chatting. I harbor no ill feelings towards you or FIL. You are truly good people who tried to raise your son the best that you could. I am forever grateful for the time you helped pay my medical bills when I had surgery and no insurance. If I am ever able to pay it forward one day, I promise that I will.
Jaime (yes, me)- I am sorry that I hurt you and abused you all of these years. I am sorry that I believe what B said and that I underestimated your ability to thrive. I am sorry that I used food as a way to cope, and have put you through physical agony on a daily basis. I am sorry that overeating has caused you to commit a long and slow suicide, and I promise to try and stop that immediately. I am sorry for the pain you feel every time the kids get upset when you can’t take nature walks with them or play more on the playground. I am sorry for the isolation. I am sorry I allowed someone to stifle your laugh and your smile. I am sorry I let him break your spirit. I promise that I will never let another person hurt you in that way again. I promise that I will be strong enough to walk away. I promise that I will be strong enough to let you live your personal truth, instead of constantly trying to manipulate you in to the box your parents, coworkers and general public want you to fit in. But most of all, I am sorry that I ever let you feel like you were not good enough, because you are an amazing person all by yourself.

What it means to be dying.

Every night, like clockwork. Three A.M. I wake up in pain. My back hurts so bad. From the stress of carrying my body around all day, no doubt.

It occurs to me, painfully, that I am very young, yet I must be dying. My body will eventually give out on me. My heart will stop. I will not live too long if I weigh over 400 pounds, I feel as if that is not possible.

I hate that I can't stop eating. I hate that the compulsion to finish something is always there. I hate that I have no self control. I hate that I feel powerless over food. I hate that I am going to die younger than anyone ever expected.

My heart is broken

I am so dramatic. It has been drama central at work this week because the two teachers I work with currently hate each other.

I have a really bad sinus headache right now. The Neti Pot didn't help much, although it got a ton of gunk out of there. I can't take a decongestant because I have high BP, so I don't want to mess with that. Although if I am still in this much pain tomorrow, I might stop at the pharmacy and get one on the way to work. You know, one thing my STBX was really good at was draining my sinuses. He had a knack of doing it and I can't teach my Dad how to do it because he is scared he will hurt me. Something STBX obviously never worried about :P

I have a feeling that I might cry myself to sleep tonight, which is bad for a couple of reasons. 1- the sinus headache and 2- the BiPap mask. So I am hoping to type this out and release it to the Universe somehow. Maybe it will help. I tried to vent on MDC but I don't think anyone knows what I am saying because of the Swedish Chef thing. And can I just say that my church totally ruined my April's Fool's Day fun on there? I was too upset to really enjoy it :0(

So my head hurt all day and my coworkers can't be in the same room together. That was the beginning of my day. Then I come home and my Mom gets mad at me for not leaving the shower curtain open.

Well, the reason I never did is because if I had left it open when I lived with STBX, he would have yelled at me and thrown a fit and possibly hidden the curtain so I couldn't shower again. So it is sort of ingrained in me to always close it. And really, all she had to do was tell me, you can't really expect me to remember from 8 years ago when I last lived here. I have been here for 7 months, you are just now mentioning it?!

Anyhow. I have blogged before about the Worst Five Week Time Period Known To Man. Going half blind, not knowing if I had MS, IV steroids, getting punched and having my STBX arrested, having surgery and my Mom having to move me in to their house, having STBX take my car from me and losing my medical insurance. Then the ladder hitting my new car, but that was small in comparrison. It really hurt me that my church did not call me during this time. Especially when I heard about them gossiping about me. Really? You can gossip- which is in the Bible you know- but you can't call and check on me?

I have held that in for a long time now. I never spoke of it to any church friends. It is hard to go to church now. I felt that I had given so much of myself to them over the years, that maybe they might care somewhat for me when my life went to crap? I don't know. I guess overall I feel very unpopular.

Not that I want to be popular. But if you had any idea the amazing support I have received from total strangers on the internet. Really, amazing. It is because of you people that my faith in humanity hasn't been totally shot.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I take on my responsibility for the mess my life ended up in. And I am rebuilding. I know that I complain about my STBX a lot, but really, I take most of the responsibility for being with him upon myself. I made my bed and I lied in it for years. I had the chance to walk away from him one month in to our relationship and I did not do it.

I was desperate, I did not feel that I could do any better, and I did that to myself.

But I so badly wanted someone to call me and say "Hey, I heard what happened. That sucks. I will pray for you."

Do I deserve to have support from my church family? I have to say that yes, I believe I do deserve that. I think that I deserve to have my phone ringing off the hook. Yes, I said it. That might be entitlement speaking, but that is how I feel. I deserve to have some of the people who I went to visit in the hospital maybe come and visit me. I was totally alone. I don't think anyone understands that. I had never once in my life been alone before. Then the police came to my house and they cuffed him and they took him away. And I was alone for the first time in 30 years being alive. I went directly from my parent's house to his house. I never had been alone at night before. When he went out of town I was at my parent's house. I could have gone there, yes, but I did not want to leave the cats. So I was alone in the house and I was having anxiety attacks and I had to go on medication *temporarily, for some reason I feel the need to make it clear that I am no longer on it*, and my Dad was so angry and couldn't talk to me without yelling about STBX and my Mom was mad at me for having him arrested, and I was just really alone. So maybe I needed that damn phone to ring. Or I needed someone to come to my house after the CT surgery to help me pack. I don't know. Maybe I needed a friend? I wish I knew how to get some! Someone once described me as being popular online. Yet in real life I am quite litterally alone.

I think it's funny, the contrast in that.

So today I get a church bulletin in the mail. One of the church members wrote an essay about how people shouldn't play Farmville on Facebook. Well, yeah, so he is on my facebook list and I sort of play Farmville. I had many church members on there and I don't think any others except maybe one play it, so I am thinking "Is he talking about me?"

Then they put this note in, with an envelope, saying "Here is your envelope, please mail us your Easter offering!"

God forgive me for saying this, but my very first thought was: Bite me.

I dare say that I am bitter about this. Just a little. So basically when my life went to crap and I couldn't spend hours upon hours doing church work for free anymore, you drop me like a hot potato. But when you want some money, you think it is okay to just send me an envelope?

Again, bite me.

I don't have any beef with God. It is not His fault that some of His people are totally insensitive.

When I was in college I lived with my parents and went to church in my old town. My Mom is the kind of Christian who wont go to church when they take communion, because it takes too long, and who really only goes when she thinks the neighbors will be there and she wants to look good. Her choice. I sat in an Ash Wednesday service and the ladies behind me where whispering about how I rode the bus instead of having a car and about how my Mom never comes with me, etc. I put my head down and I cried. It hurt to hear people talking about me. Today, I would probably have just turned around and said "I can hear you!"

So I think that maybe I am just not cut out for attending church. I am not getting out of it what I put in, not by a longshot. I did not do the things for my church that I did in order to get anything in the long run- but I stand by my statement that I deserved to be emotionally supported. Which is free, it wouldn't have cost them any of the money that I tithed to them. :P

So I sent them an e-mail. It was short. I just basically told them why I would not be sending in my Easter offering. And that I felt unsupported during my time of need. And to please remove me from their mailing list. I seriously can't get any more mail from them asking for money, it makes me livid.

This has helped me a great deal because it has taught me that when the going gets rough, I can only rely on myself- and my Mother. She might fly off the handle and take my ex's calls and think I was wrong for turning him in, but at least she lets me live here for free and puts food in my stomach.

So now that I have made myself sound like an entitled brat, I am going to bed. I am reading "Dear John" right now. Oh man, how I wish I could have felt like that once in my life. The whole being in love and feeling like you have known someone forever and feeling safe. My husband hurt my feelings and made me feel kind of nauseated most of the time. I wish I hadn't given myself to him. I wish I had held out for someone who deserved me. Heck, does anyone deserve me? Maybe not. I can't help but feel jealous when I read these things. Is love really like that? Please tell me that it is. Please tell me that it is possible to feel so good about another human being? What is being in love like? Do you feel good inside? I never felt good inside. I read those words and I think that it must really be that way for some people, or else how could the author write about it?

Uh, life.

I got my period today. The first since the three month long period from heck. Thanks to the birth control pills for finally stopping it.

So today is Saturday and I spent my evening watching "The Big Bang Theory" while playing Tetris on an emulator the STBX installed on my computer while chatting with my Dad. It hit me how, sort of pathetic that was. However, it is still better than my old life where I would have been hiding from my husband the entire weekend.

I am really dissatisfied with my church. On July 17th I went half blind. I was in the hospital for a while and they were thinking I might have MS. They still aren't sure about that. August 2nd my husband punched me in a rage and was arrested. On August 1th I had surgery. I moved back in with my parents on September 2nd-ish. I could be off on the exact dates. But that is close.

No one from my church called me during this time or asked how I was, etc.

This causes a great deal of distress for me, because I was so active in my church. For years I was active. Sunday school, Children's Church, founding member of various committees dedicated to safety of the kids, Wednesday night Children's Choir, made countless blankets and shawls for the prayer shawl ministry. I did these things because it made me happy to give back to something. But it hurt a lot when no one called to check on me when my life basically fell apart.

I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. My Mom works with several church members and they gossiped about me a lot. It is to be expected. I was a liar and pretended to have one of those good marriages for so long. I guess I deserved to be gossiped about.

I realize that a new Pastor took over during the summer and perhaps things would have been different if the old Pastor was still there when this happened. But where were my crochet group friends? My Children's choir friend did ask my Mom about me. She was the only one who wasn't just pumping my Mom for gossip information.

I have tried going back to church a few times. It is very uncomfortable for me because so many of my church friends on Facebook are also friends with the man who abused me for 9 years. I am going to openly admit that I do expect people to take sides. It might be childish, but it is true. He made fun of my church friends, saying that Christians were idiots- including me, of course, I am Queen Idiot. I mean, if they want to be friends with someone who makes fun of them behind their backs and who only went to church on some weeknights to eat, so be it. I sincerly doubt he will ever have a conversion and come to know God. Not that it isn't possible because I believe God can do anything He wants, but my STBX is too much of a narccissist to believe in anything higher than himself.

I used to go to the hospital all the time to see church people. How many cards did I sign for people who were sick? How many prayer shawls did I make? I did this because I cared about them. So I can only deduct that I was not amongst the cared for.

But I get it, I am a liar. Hi, my name is Jaime and I had a fake wedding because I had tricked myself in to thinking that I deserved to be punched for asking to borrow a jump drive. I am a liar. I get it. Lying is a sin, whatever.

I don't know. I feel like to not be supported during this time was like another slap in the face.

I feel like I invested years of my life in to people who couldn't be bothered to check in on me when they were trying to decide if I had a debilitating disease. Which I could still have and they wont know until the spots show up on my brain. That is serious, I think. Isn't that serious?

I am probably being selfish. Who knows. I think that it is sad when coworkers that I hardly know care more for me than people I have spent 6 years of my life building a relationship with.

But I was not a member of that church. I went for years but never officially joined. Maybe you have to be a member? I don't know.

This church was not even a good fit for me, really. It was like going to a rock concert. The music was so... weird. I am an old fashioned girl, I guess. I prefer the hymnal to the rock lyrics. I like it to be traditional. I am too old school, perhaps, for this church.

And I am also not nearly as open minded as they are. Am I admitting that? I think I might be more conservative than I orginally thought. All going back to my old self, like I mentioned before. My STBX lead me away from a lot of my old pastimes and interests.

Before I met him I used to write all the time. I loved it. Poetry, short stories, I was always writing. Creating. He told me that was stupid so I stopped. I used to like to go to the movies. He said it was too expensive, so I stopped. I wasn't even allowed to wash my car. So many rules he had on me. He told me church was stupid so for a long time I didn't go. He was upset when I went back. He didn't like me to watch court shows on TV, so I did it in secret. I can't help it, I love Judge Judy. Sadly I can't watch it anymore because the VCR wont work with our satellite dish. Bummer.

I used to wear makeup. And perfume. And fix my hair. He did't like it so I stopped.

I used to wash my face and use nice lotion. He said it was stupid, so I stopped.

I had nice shower gels and I would use those. He said it was expensive so I stopped.

I used to love to scrapbook but he didn't see the point so I stopped.

I used to like to have nice scented candles but he didn't like me to burn them so I stopped. He used to throw them at me a lot when he got mad. I still have the last candle he ever threw at me in my bottom drawer. I want to keep it because I want the reminder of what I am never going to have happen again.

I used to love to draw. But he told me I wasn't good at it so I stopped.

I also liked to sing, I was in my church choir where we used to live. But he said I was bad at it so I stopped that too.

My Mother made us a Christmas wreath to hang on our door and he didn't like it so he tore it down and ripped the ornaments off of it. She made a Valentine's one too but he didn't like it so he would throw it on the floor.


I had to do the dishes how he wanted and grocery shop how he wanted and make the koolaid how he wanted. I never got to do anything the way I wanted. My opinions didn't matter. Why did I give myself away?

The only thing I liked to do that he allowed me to do was crochet. I wonder why? Really.. I wonder why was I allowed to crochet? He even let me spend money on yarn every month. What were his motives for that, I wonder?

Sorry for the depressing post. I think my point was to gather input on my church situation. Am I being a big baby? Or do I have a point? And does anyone know why I gave myself away? I would love to know that too :0(

Broken hearts and empty promises

By the time I was 15 years old I already knew all of the secret parts of me. I knew what made me laugh. I knew what made me cry. I knew what I was good at and what and who I wanted to be.

Over the last nine years I let someone etch away at my soul. It sounds dramatic, but it really isn't. Not when you look at it in black and white.

I died. My soul, it was dead. I lost so much of myself to him. I let him crush my wings and he laughed about it. He took things from me. Parts of myself that I freely gave. I wanted so badly to fit in to the mold. I wanted to be married, to have a little house, a little fence, a couple of kids and an SUV. I knew I was not supposed to be that person. I knew that the thought of being intimate with him repulsed me. I knew that I was supposed to feel butterflies when he touched me, instead of the urge to pull away. I knew it wasn't right. I still tried so hard to cram myself in to that mold. The mold of the life my parents told me I should have.

I had a lovely fake wedding. I was sick. I was living in a world that simply was not there. I put my mind above my body. I watched myself laughing when the train went by. I loved it when people told me that my wedding was the nicest they had ever been to.

But at what price? Cinderella went to the ball and almost died in the process. Because she was at the wrong dance.

Every single day now, I am getting closer to the person I used to be. I have a spine now. He can no longer manipulate me like he used to. Yesterday was proof of it. I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty because "he can't possibly get a job because he has to call bank for 5 minutes." Instead I rolled my eyes. And I laughed at him. Because, no matter what he told me over the last 9 years, it is he who is the idiot, not me.

And idiot would have stayed with him for 8 years and 89 days, instead of 8 years and 88 days. He is the idiot. Not me.

Today I went to the bank and I closed our joint account. When I called my Dad to tell him, he said "It seems like you are making good progress in getting him out of your life. You made a mistake with him and now you can move on."

And that made me feel good. I am getting rid of him, slowly but surely. Eventually he will just be a bad memory.

My students walked around the nature trail at work today. It broke my heart when my favorite chicken said "Miss J, why are you not going with us?"

It felt like a knife when my coworker jumped in to say "Oh there is work to be done here, Miss J will stay and do that work. It is important work."

But it really isn't. I am glad she interrupted me, because I would have probably told her the truth. Miss J can't go with you because Miss J can't walk around the trail. Nine years of overeating and a slow suicide has made that impossible for me.

And I watched them leave. My chickens. All excited with their wagon full of water and snacks and the first aid kit. Walking single file in to the sunshine, while I stayed behind and tried to pretend that it didn't bother me.

And I feel like this trail is my demon. The devil on my shoulder that mocks me. So many people 200 pounds lighter than me can't even get around the damn thing. So in a way, I shouldn't feel bad for not trying it. It is supposedly pretty brutal. But I feel somehow inadequate for not being able to do it. For being too weak to put down the fork. For cutting out strips of paper for the bulletin board border, instead of making memories with the people I love the most in this world. The people who kept me alive during the darkest part of my world.

I believe that I would have killed myself if I had stayed with my husband. I remember the night that he doused me with crystal light. Standing in the shower, dripping with red. Knowing that it would take days to get the stains out of the carpet, off of the walls, off of my curtains. I stood in the shower and I decided how I would kill myself. I knew in my heart that it would never, ever be better for me. I was never going to be loved or even treated as good as the cats. He had broken me and I couldn't imagine living one more day in that kind of pain.

But I somehow knew that my work wasn't done here. There is important work to be done and I had to do it. It was about my little Buggy, who no one thought was mentally there until I started working with him. It was about love changing your heart and making you want to get out of bed in the mornings. It was about not wanting to hurt any of the people who might actually care for me. It isn't quite the same love that I craved- but it is still love.

So I lived. And that was the night it all changed for me. That was the night I started my plan to get out. And I did get out. And although I have looked back at times and doubted myself, I know that I made the right decision.

Does anyone have the World's Smallest Violin?

Because I would like to play it for my STBX :P

He calls me Mom today. Why she takes his calls I will never know. Anyhow, he overdrew our joint account because BillPay charges if you don't use it. I haven't used the account for 8 months. He can't cancel BillPay unless I call in and allow it too. Whatever, I have been meaning to go in and take my name off anyhow, I will do it tomorrow.

My Mom then asks him if he is working yet. He says..

Wait for it..

He says he can't possibly go to work every day because he had to call the bank about the overdraft.

Um. What?

He can't work because he had to spend maybe 10 minutes calling the bank to ask them a question?

I don't suppose the fact that he is lazy has anything to do with why he isn't working :P

Or the fact that he has a battery charge for beating up his *half blind at the time, it makes it sooooooo much worse I think* wife.

There is a special place in hell for him. Yes, I said it. And I don't feel bad for saying it either!!

He really shouldn't be allowed to share the same state as me. I am thinking of moving just to be away from him.

So my Mom pointed out to him that I spent hours and hours on the phone with the phone company cleaning up his mess. He didn't respond :P

So anyway, there is a pity party starting any minute for him!

That nasty green eyed monster..

So this morning I was confronted with my shortcomings and bad decision making, in a place where I least expected it.

One of my students was telling me a Bible story. I asked him if he learned that in church, because I know he goes, and he said no, that his Mom and Dad sit with him every night and they read Bible stories together as a family.

Ugh.

I was taken back by the beauty of that mental image. Yep. I was jealous.

I have this romantic image in my head of a husband being the head of the household. Wanting to protect his wife and children. Wanting to support them, not just financially, but emotionally.

I didn't get that. Because I didn't choose that. That was me. I could have picked better, but I didn't.

My husband hardly ever came home after work. Why not? He said I was annoying and he didn't like me. At first I used to cry about it, then I realized that if he wasn't home, he wasn't hurting me. So I was okay with that.

He also didn't like to work. He would yell at his boss, and threaten that he was going to quit one day and he never, ever showed up on time. So I would panic about money all the time. At one point I worked 70 hours a week. Seriously? I worked that much and he couldn't get out of bed on time in the mornings? His excuse? The cats kept him up. (The world's smallest violin *sarcasm*.)

And he didn't believe in God. He said that Christians were stupid. You should have seen the lengths I went to to get us married. Why did I bother? It was obviously a blaring warning sign when the one Pastor flat out refused to marry us.

Or when the train came by as I started to walk down the aisle- which I used to take as a positive sign, but now I see it for what it was. A huge warning. God's warning!

It doesn't get much bigger than a train.

So anyway, I don't know if God has a plan for me or not. I do know that I am going to be the World's Pickiest Person if any other man should ever show any interest in me.

I am so fat and I feel so useless. I don't think anyone will ever want me. This is exactly how I ended up with 9 years of abuse. Not thinking I could do any better.

So really, I need to plaster that to my ceiling somehow. I CAN DO BETTER! I DESERVE BETTER!

Hooking again

I finished a baby blanket for my coworker last night. That is my first project since my first surgery on April 1st of 2009. I did make a small potholder when I taught one of my older students how to crochet in November LOL

I am having a bit of numbness in my arms. I am hoping this is just from relearning how to use these muscles. It took a long time to make that blanket, I wanted to ease in to it.

Right now I am working on a hose cover for my BiPap machine.

I am also making one for my Dad's machine.

I would love to find a way to make money crocheting, but I don't see it as a possibility. I checked out Etsy today and wow, are those people talented! My crocheting stinks in comparison.

I have never made anything for myself before, so this hose cover is the first thing just for me :0)

Top 10 Reasons Why I Am Thankful For My Freedom

1. Onions on my pizza? Sure! Onions in the meatloaf? Why not?! Onion flavored toothpaste? If I wanted to!
2. Being able to grocery shop in any damn order I want to! If I want to follow the layout of the store, I can. No more of this walking back and forth 10 times nonsense.
3. Being able to dry the dishes and put them away! I hated his rule that I had to let the dishes sit in the strainer for 24 hours. What a load of crap. Not judging anyone who does this- but really, we wont DIE if I dry the dishes and put them away. Or else my Mother and all of my Aunt's would be dead by now. And my Grandmother wouldn't have lived to be 80 :P
4. Not having to get the third degree if I styled my hair. "Why does your hair look like that, are you trying to look young?" As a matter of fact, I AM YOUNG! :P
5. No more backseat driving! Whew. I can't believe I drove at all before I met him, to hear him tell it :P
6. Leaving the shampoo in the shower if I want to.
7. Being able to put my keys where I chose to put them. Instead of where I am forced to put them.
8. Being allowed to wash my car if I want to. I don't have to beg for permission.
9. Watching all the reality TV I want to.
And the top 10 reason why I am thankful for my freedom:
10. I can hang my car keys on the key holder!!!!!!!! It seems like such a little thing, but he told me that if I hung my keys on the key holder that we would be robbed and it would be my fault, etc. I was always so jealous of people who were allowed to use a key holder. I had a nice one, too, but was forbidden to use it. When I move to my own place, I will be hanging the keys on it for sure! :0)

People say the dumbest things

Yes, I said it. There are some people in this world who are just stupid.

A coworker spent 10 minutes yesterday going on and on about how every relationship that fails involves both people being at fault.

I take offense to that, because I truly don't see my marriage failing as being my fault. I stayed with him for 9 years getting hit and always thinking it was my fault and trying to somehow fix it and make it better. If only I was better at this, better at that, etc. And I paid $225 an hour for marriage counseling that he didn't want to do, etc, etc.

So it really hurt my feelings that she was saying that I was somehow at fault for my marriage breaking up :0( I spent 9 years thinking I was to blame, but now I know it is all him, kids. He doesn't know how to use his words, that is not my problem. If my students are smarter than he is, then that is not my issue.

Ugh.

So anyway. I am moody lately. Really moody. Now that court is over I am angry. Almost seething. I feel pathetic for taking his crap for so many years. I feel weak, pathetic, stupid, etc. I feel like I wish I had had the nerve to stand up for myself. I think if I felt the way I do now 9 years ago, none of this would have ever happened to me. I would have dropped him like a hot potato the first time he slapped me on his parent's front porch.

Two things I regret in this life:
1. That I never saw him carried off in handcuffs.
2. That I didn't get to see his mugshot.

So yeah, I am pretty angry with him right now. I am sort of doing that whole thing where "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!"

Run Forrest!

So yesterday I was way proud of myself for going on a 10 minute walk. Yeah, I rock.

I made the mistake of telling my coworkers that I wanted to start exercising. So today when I was outside with the chickens happily sitting on a comfortable bench watching them play a game where they basically run laps for exercise- my coteacher had the kids grab me. Two were pushing and two were pulling, but yes, I ran some laps.

The logical part of my brain says that no one who weighs 400 pounds should ever be able to run. But I have seen the Biggest Loser, so I know it is possible. I just never thought it would be possible for me.

But it was. Dang those chickens are fast little buggers! And freakishly strong, too! They had me running laps with them, laughing the whole way.

And then it hits me, this is not torture for them. They are running laps, but they are having FUN at the same time. Nothing about it is torture for them, like it seems to be for me.

So then I was sweating and gasping for breath. I finally started breathing normally again, when I picked up one of my kids- 45 pounds of kid to be exact- swung him over my shoulder and walked a lap that way. So then of course I had to do it with like, 10 of them. And I did! I picked them up and swung them around, and walked a bit with them.

Yeah, I am typing this now because I wont be able to move tomorrow ;)

But I had FUN! The chickens had a blast. I haven't really been active with them since my two surgeries. I used to do this kind of stuff with them when I was a lot thinner. It felt good to be able to do it again.

Man, I stink though. I was sweating a lot! LOL Shower time!

Putting the pieces together again..

Well I have to say that I have made great strides recently to put my life back together again.

I have really done a lot with the sewing room that I live in LOL I have put away all of my Mom's sewing machines. I have put away all of my clothes. I have put away all of my yarn :faint:

I have dusted and vacuumed and turned the broken bathroom in to a nifty storage closet. It is far from complete, but it is a huge start.

I have to admit that I miss being married at times. Before you flip out on me, I want to add that I do NOT miss being married to my STBX. I just miss the act of being a wife and having a home to take care of. That is what I miss.

I miss my dinning room table. I had a fabulous table. Well, it is his now. Fine. But I always made it so pretty and it was just like looking at a magazine.

A lot about my old life was like looking at a magazine. Picture me, always smiling, always happy. My house was spotless and I was this domestic goddess that people were probably secretly irritated by. But behind the glossy picture lurked a miserable person. And I do not miss being miserable!

Rockstar

So I have decided that I am a Rockstar. I feel so good right now. I am on a total emotional high.

I feel like I can do anything right now. I won. I doubt my H is ever going to change. He will probably abuse the next girl he meets. I feel bad for her :0( I hope she doesn't take it as long as I did. But as for me, right now in this moment, I feel great.

And I deserve better. Not just in relationships, but for myself in general.

This morning showed me a lot of parallels in preparing for court and preparing for my wedding. Indulge me a little here ;)

I am sitting in my room and I am putting on makeup, my best perfume *and really, I never wear perfume so that says a lot right there*, panty hose, a totally awesome outfit, fixing my hair, putting on earrings and a necklace... even walking in with the same guy at my side- my Dad! It was kind of creepy how similar the two events were.

And I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought- yeah, I am fat, but I look nice!

And I really noticed a corralation *ugh, this is not coming up on spell check for me, I have no idea how to spell it* between trying to look nice and how I felt.

Except for the shoes. I was not feeling those shoes. If I want to start dressing nice, I have to get better shoes. These are "Wow I am going to a wedding and all I have are Crocs, oh, look, here are a pair of $2 black flats". They were super uncomfortable and I was always a split second away from falling on my face.

UPDATE: My STBX got his judgement, today marked 7 months of being abuse free AND my period stopped. All in the same day. Wow, talk about excitement! It was almost like my body knew and was waiting.

So anyway, the moral of this story is: Maybe I don't always have to look like crap. LOL

One thing I have always had going for me is the fact that I am spoiled. When I was with STBX I had money. I have a great wardrobe, even after downsizing it. I have so many nice things that I don't wear. Sure, the odds are good that I am going to get some things ruined by glue, paint and markers. But I either keep them looking great and in the closet and no one ever see it, or I wear it a few times and it gets ruined, but hey, at least I wore it!

Justice was served..

Here is the whole story for anyone else who has to go to court and doesn't know what might happen to them.

My Dad and I arrived at the magistrate office. He went through the metal detector first and they found a...

wait for it...


bullet in his pocket! LOL

My Dad had gone hunting last YEAR and he had this bullet for one of those tiny little guns in his pocket. For some reason he carried that around all the time in his pocket. He forgot it was in there. The look on the security guard's face when he found it was priceless. I am really surprised that he let him in after that LOL It was nice to laugh though, it helped lighten the mood.

Then they told us to go to a window with the summons. When we turned the corner I saw the AssHat. He was sitting at a table with his parents. I let a "oh Jesus" slip and immediately turned my eyes towards the clerk. I did not actually *look* at the AH. Not at all, really, just saw the side of his head and turned my eyes. I did not even know who was sitting with him until my Dad told me later. She told us to sit down and I turned the corner again so I did not have to see him. There were no seats left that were not in his line of sight. Frankly, he doesn't deserve to share the same air that I breathe, let alone the luxury of seeing me for the entire waiting time. So I just stood behind the wall.

There were a few other people there with my last name *it is pretty common here* so I was listening to people argue with each other about water lines. Then finally some people got up so I was able to sit. My Dad, however, wanted the AssHat to see him, so he sat directly in his line of sight. I think he was trying to make sure that he knew he was there and was ready to protect me if need be.

Maybe five minutes later a man called my name. He was the prosecutor. He took me down a hallway with my Dad and asked me if I had talked to the AssHat since then, and if I was trying to work it out with him. I told him no, that I had spoken to him a couple of times about settling the bills and that I was going to file for divorce as soon as I had the money. He asked if the AH was working and I told him what I knew about him being laid off and that I had not talked to him so I wasn't sure if he was or not at that time.

Then the prosecutor told me that he was charging my AssHat with battery, 60 days suspended sentence and one year's probation. Did I think that was good?

I know from the years of working for the shelter that that is REALLY good! I couldn't believe it!

Most of my client's abusers didn't get even THAT. So I was shocked.

I told him that my main concern was that the AH was going to my church and that I would like to be able to go without seeing him there. The Prosecutor asked me how long I attended and how long the AH came- I told him the specifics and mentioned that the AH claims to be an athiest and I think he only goes because I am there.

The prosecutor walked away, talked to the AH's lawyer and said that if AH shows up at my church all I have to do is call him, he will be arrested and spend the entire 60 days in jail.

Try to take my church from me? Don't think so!

So that was my victory. I was tired of being intimidated out of going to church. I won it, it is mine.

It is a small victory, but darn it, I wasn't going to let that jerk walk all over me anymore

The prosecutor told me that was it, I could go home.

Then some lady came up to me, asked me how many miles did I drive to get there today. I said maybe 4 miles, tops. She handed me a slip and told me to take it downstairs. I took it downstairs and they paid me $10.90 for being there for the 20 minutes. Ironically enough that is way more money than I would get for a half hour's work LOL

So although I didn't actually do much today, I feel like I won. I finally, after 8 long years of his abuse, STOOD UP FOR MYSELF!!!

I remember back in December of 2008 telling him that if he ever, EVER, hit me again that I would call the police. He didn't think I had the balls. He was wrong. As soon as his fist hit the side of my head, I knew that I had to follow through with my promise. I knew that he was like one of the children that I teach. That he was never going to learn unless I followed through with what I say. My 4 and 5 year olds know that when Miss J tells you you had better not do something, or X will happen, that X is 100% going to happen if you do it! I had to treat him like the child that he is.

I want to scream "WHO IS THE IDIOT NOW?" at him!

Every name he called me. Every slap, every kick. All of it. I won. I did what I said I was going to do. I finally followed it through the end, no matter how many threats he issued. I did what I said for once, not what HE said. He bullied me out of my house, he bullied me out of keeping the cats, but I am not going to be bullied out of my church. And I am NOT going to be bullied out of my half of what is MINE. I am calling the divorce attorney today to set up a consultation. Yay for me.

A post that ended up being a blog post..

I posted this on a message board I go to. I did not intend for it to be so long, but it felt like a blog post.

It should be illegal to watch the Bachelor finale the night before you have to testify against your husband in court for hitting you.

I am jealous. I can admit it. I burst in to tears at the end of the show because I realized that no one has ever loved me before. I have never experienced that. I wonder what does it feel like to be loved? To be treated with respect? To be treated like you are important enough that someone doesn't ever want to be away from you?

I am depressed :(

I wonder if I will ever be loved? I hope so. I would like to feel that.

I don't really know how to love people. My family was never one of those affectionate type families. I am sure they would maybe love me if I was the daughter they wanted, but I am not.

The term "love" is a pretty foreign concept to me. I know my students love me. I walk in the door and they all run towards me and almost knock me over hugging me. They do not do that for any other teachers or for their parents. So I feel like they have to love me in order to do that. So I guess basically I want to be loved by a man the way my students love me. They think I hang up the moon at night. And they would never hurt me on purpose and I would never hurt them. And there isn't any fear of being hurt between myself and them.

So that is what I picture grown up love to be like. Not having to flinch because you don't know if you will be hugged or hit. Not having to wonder every time you go in the car with a person whether or not they are going to leave you there. I hated that a lot. Just being left at gas stations or grocery stores. It was so humiliating standing there, calling his cell phone begging him to come back and get me. Not thinking that it would be possible to call my parents and admit that my husband hated me so much that he left me stranded somewhere. Because that really is hate. He hated me. He still does. I think he would be happy if I died. And for a long time I agreed with him.

And for some reason the hitting and kicking and being choked and being left at gas stations does not compare to having the two gallons of Crystal Light thrown at me. I keep going back to that one incident in my mind. Standing in the kitchen, soaking wet, with the walls and the carpet and the appliances dripping in red. It was an entire year before I could drink it again. I couldn't even make it for my students at the family Christmas party. How stupid is that? I couldn't even make the stupid fruit punch.

So tomorrow I have to go to court and it angers me a lot when people in my life ask me about my "court date."

Because, you see, it is NOT my court date. It is not "mine". I do not own that. I am not the one in trouble. I did not do anything wrong. I feel like it is rude to say out loud that I have a court date. No, HE has a court date. Because he punched his half blind wife in the side of her head. That is why I have to go to HIS court date. :eyesroll

And I am probably just extra moody about it. But it really irks me to hear people phrase it like that :irked

I feel like there is a very real possibility that he will try to approach me. He might try to grab me. I am pretty confident that my Father can take care of it if he does. But the fear is there. He is a good liar, and a good manipulator. And he consumed me for 8 years, 2 months and 28 days. That is a lot of time to forget who you are.

That is also a lot of time to eat.

I have such a love/hate relationship with food.

It kept me alive. I really think that if I hadn't been able to overeat I would have killed myself. I know that as sure as I know my own name.

There are so many things that I used to do before him. I used to write, believe it or not. A lot. I was good, too. At least I think so :bag

My teachers always thought so. I loved poems the most. I wrote poems freely and people would read them and love them and ask to read more. And I was working on a book. I had so many ideas. I had so many dreams.

I wanted to be a teacher. I am a teacher, but not the kind of teacher I always wanted to be. I went in to the program knowing that I would have to move to get a job, and I was okay with that. I had dreams. I wanted that. I wanted the chance to go somewhere else, to figure out who I was.

And my test scores. I don't like to talk about them because I don't want to be seen as someone who is like a peacock and bragging. But everyone hated me, I scored so high. All of my professors, everyone was so proud of me. I had a future.

And he tore it all up. He told me I was stupid. He said that I was an idiot. He said that no one would want me and that I was lucky he put up with me. He told me that I wasn't capable of moving away and being without him. He told me that if I was not smart enough to grocery shop or do the dishes the right way, that I would never be smart enough to get a good job.

And believed that. I don't know why I did. I think he fed in to a lot of insecurities that my parents laid for me. And added to a very unpleasant first student teaching experience. I was in a place where I thought I was lucky to have him even talking to me, so I believed him.

And I know how crazy people think I am. I think every boss I have had is shocked that I work there instead of moving to get a good job. It has always been like "Um, you want to work here?" I never did better because he convinced me that I couldn't do better.

And I am raw. And I am weak. And I never push the limits of myself because there is always that voice in my head that says I can't fly. That my wings are weak and will break.

I don't love myself. I weigh 450 pounds, that is hate. I was not always like this. I used to be under 200 pounds, and I was active and I had cute clothes. And no one stared at me when I walked down the street. And I knew who I was. I remember that. I knew who I was inside. I knew that I was a good person. I did not doubt for a minute that I was thought highly of in my community and my church and my University. I had a lot of things going for me.

And I feel like he fucked it all up.

But I can't really blame him, because I let him do this to me. I let him tear down my confidence. I saw it chip away like lead paint. It fell to the floor and got swept up in the dustpan and thrown away. And before I knew it, I had a new layer around me. Only this time it was fat. And it kept me alive, so I appreciate that.

But I feel broken. And I don't know how to fix it. No matter how much therapy I have had- and believe me, my therapist's kid can go to whatever college he wants to- I never hear the words that fix me.

So maybe I need to fix myself.

I need some super glue.

No turning back now

Tomorrow morning I testify in court. Please pray for me.

Feeling better

Wow I had a massive anxiety attack last night. I haven't had one of those since B was arrested. I had a lot that first week alone.

I am having bad dreams that he tries to grab me at court. My Dad is going with me and even though he is older, I have full confidence that he could protect me from B. B is, after all, a coward. An actual strong and tough man usually will not hit a woman. So I think under it all he is a coward.

I deleted everyone from church but two people that I know would never even think of friending him on Facebook. My Dad says that I am punishing my friends. I don't see it that way. I see it that, if they were my friends, they would not be speaking to a man who abused me for 8 years. That is just my humble opinion on this issue. I believe that people need to pick a side in an abuse situation. If we were just two people who didn't get along, fine, be friends with both of us. But after being choked, kicked, punched, etc, I doubt the character of anyone who is okay with that. And if they don't believe that he did that, that is basically saying that I am a liar. I don't want to be friends with anyone who thinks I am a liar.

So as far as my church goes- he can have it. I can find a new church. I should have done that in the first place. I did not feel a lot of support from them when this happened. I can rebuild my life elsewhere. He used to act inappropriatly at church all the time, so it is only a matter of time before he stops his good behavior and goes back to how he used to be. Perhaps then people will realize that he is only after manipulation and a free meal.

Besides, he claims to be an atheist. What can he do to help the church? He used to say that all Christians were idiots- especially me. I was the biggest idiot of them all. But if they want him sitting at their table, so be it.

I am cranky because I feel like he has taken everything from me. I had to leave my home. I had to give up my car *although in the divorce I plan to get half the value of it*, I had to give up my cats, I had to give up my medical insurance. Now he wants my church. He would probably prefer it if I dropped dead, but I refuse to give him that satisfaction. And I think about that every time I am tempted to overeat!

I feel like I really only have 100% support from my Dad. Even if he doesn't understand why I don't to be FB friends with people he is friends with, at least my Dad is 100% on my side. My Mom, I can't really say that about. Of course my coworkers are all on my side, but they aren't really in the position of giving me emotional support right now. And my internet friends. Really, this is my only outlet sometimes. I really need to get out more. I think I will once I have some money. When I start getting some of these medical bills paid off, I am going to start going to dinner with friends or to the movies or something.

The main problem is that I don't really have any friends. And not for lack of trying! B always scared them all away when we were together. My coworkers don't seem interested, although I have mentioned doing things with them, no one seems interested when I ask.

Oh well. I don't even really have a pet. How sad am I? I am a country song!

Tired

I am very tired.

So tonight I click on a friend's wall and I see my STBX in her friend's section. Why did I do that? I would never have known if I hadn't clicked to see her wall.

I am very uncomfortable with this for a few reasons.
1. Well, he never spoke to this person hardly ever before. Why the sudden need to be friends with her now?
2. Is everything and anything I say somehow getting back to him?
3. Can he see what I write to her on her status updates?

I have to accept the fact that he won. He claims to be an athiest *I have no idea how to spell this but it is too late to fight with spell check*, yet he keeps showing up at the church I have gone to for 8 years. And now he is friends with one of my good church friends?

Okay, he won. He can have my church. Take it, it's his. He needs it a lot more than I do, apparently.

I think I have to move. I need to find a real job in another state and move there. I will have zero support there, but I will be safe. I wont have to worry that he can stop by my house any time he wants to like he can right now.

I am also thinking that I might change my name. That is how serious this has been in my life. It seems to be a joke to some people. "Oh I have been friends with J for years, and her STBX never spoke to me the entire time I knew her, but I am going to be FB friends with him now that she left him, even though he beat her. Good for me." But it is not a joke to me. :0(

Does anyone know how they handle things like pre-existing conditions when you change jobs on medical insurance? I don't own my BiPap machine yet. I would hate to have to give it back if I get a job out of state and I move. Not that I could get a job, but maybe, you never know.

I am thinking about deactivating my FB account.

Well, his initials are B.S

Maybe my in laws knew he was going to be full of it when they named him. I think having the initials of B.S is just perfect for him.

So, to update everyone.

We had a huge credit card in our marriage. We were never spenders, we never had cable or internet or anything fun. But what we did have was a whole lot of medical bills. Mostly mine. Okay, all mine! But when you have the choice of emergency surgery or dying, you take the surgery, even if you don't have medical insurance.

And a lot of the debt was because he had this strange idea that it was okay to drop 4K in to fixing a car that might have been worth 1K, which never made sense to me. But according to him, any car under 20 years old was still young enough to put work in to.

Sooooooo. This huge credit card is all in his name. When we separated (that does not look right but spell check is saying it is) I was paying half of the minimum payment. Until the point where I was tired of him screaming and cussing at me every time I tried to talk to him about it. So I was like, Whatever, my lawyer doesn't think I will have to pay it at all, so go ahead and keep screaming at me! I will stop mailing the checks! And I did.

I suppose it is just a huge coincidence *sarcasm* that he calls my Mom a week and one day before I testify against him in court to tell her that he cashed in his 401K and paid off the bill.

Which is what the lawyer would have made him do anyhow, because half of that 401K was mine anyhow. So him doing that saves me money in having to pay her to do that for me.

But then he asks my Mom to ask me to file taxes with him so he wont have to pay so much. Um, as my chickens would say "Too bad, so sad, sorry about your bad chicken luck!" (I have no idea where AJ got that from, but his Dad is blaming his Mom, but he taught all of the kids to say that and they now think it is hilarious. I added the chicken luck part because it sounds better than just saying "Sorry about your bad luck!" LOL)

My Mom was not sure what to say to him so she told him she would let me know and I would e-mail him.

Well I think that anyone reading this blog right now knows that I am paying off HUGE "going blind is expensive" bills right now and him punching me in the side of the head probably didn't help my sight much, so if he thinks I am filing with him to make his life easier, he is totally crocked in the head. I want his life to be difficult. In fact, now that the marital debt is gone, I am tempted to go after him for half of the value of the car he took away from me. Seems fair, I had to buy one when he took it from me.

I realize that people might look down on me for this, or I could lose readers for this... but.. I kind of want him to suffer a little bit. For every punch, every slap, every kick, every time he stole my keys and my check card and my wallet and every time he embarassed me at church and every time he made yet another friend stop talking to me because he made them uncomfortable or treated them rudely, for every name he called me and for every single time I heard myself called bitch, moron, idiot and stupid, and for every candle he threw at me and for every piece of my parent's furniture and my personal property he destroyed, for every time he treated the cats like humans and me like a dog- I want him to suffer.

And I can honestly say that I can sit in front of a judge today and tell them that, without guilt or feeling bad or feeling like I am not taking the high road.

So the fact that he calls a week before court to tell my Mom that he has paid this bill- oh, he paid it two MONTHS ago- is not lost on me. You see, this is manipulation.

I have been a good little therapy student and I can now recognize that he waited this long to tell me and planned it for this week because he wants me to have good feelings towards him. He wants me to forget all of the bad things he did to me. He wants me to walk in to the court room with that old familiar "Oh he isn't that bad, maybe he has changed" thought running through my mind.

Well, the day one of my students lays a golden egg is the day he has changed. :P

So I send him an e-mailing explaining that I am unable to file jointly with him, because I already filed and paid them. I did not mention that when I wrote the check I also wrote "FREEDOM" because it was $426 worth of it. But just that I had already paid and that I hoped the cats were doing well.

Just the cats. I did not say that I hoped he is doing well because I really don't hope he is doing well. I hope he is doing horribly. I hope that he stays awake at night replaying every vile thing he ever did to me. He isn't, but I hope that he would.

Then today he calls my Mom again *okay, seriously, she has caller ID- I really find it beyond aggrivating that she takes his calls and my Dad just about freaks out every time he hears about it because he thinks that B is below the very scum of the earth, but I can't control her* and he tells her that I was mad at him in my e-mail and he doesn't understand why I am mad at him.

Um, you have a degree, you tell ME why I am mad at you.

Again, he is trying to manipulate me. If I had any money I would send my therapist flowers. I could not have gotten to this point without him.

So now, dear readers, you might think less of me. I can not believe I openly admitted that I really can not stand my STBX. But I think that it has been a long time coming for me. I really needed to let it out that yes, I truly can not stand him and I loathe him. I abhor him. And yes, it does make me happy to know that he is still out of work, poor and basically miserable. And he has no cable, thanks to me. Wow, I just laughed at that thought.

I promise you that I am not really a bad person. Two months ago I was still talking to him and he was telling me what to do and threatening me all the time, etc. He told me he would file a restraining order against me if I cancelled the cable in a house I hadn't lived in for 4 months, etc. I have just reached the point where I have zero sympathy for him. I used to have a lot of sympathy for him. Now I have none.

I think I need to feel that way heading in to court. If not, I fear I will not tell my whole side and he will get off once again without any consequenes.

When I grow up..

I read somewhere that children who are sheltered often end up with jobs that don't pay well because they never really think they are able to do more complicated jobs.

Well, that is sort of what I read, I can't express it the way the author did.

Anyhow. So let's talk about my life.

I was always an overachiever. My Mom enrolled me in college before I finished high school. I ended up on academic probation and almost flunking out.

I took a few years off, then went back and started digging myself out of that whole. Once you trash your GPA it is really, really hard to get it back up.

I am going to be honest here and say that I really wanted to be a funeral director. A relative of mine owns one *although he is super unhelpful as far as me wanting to go in to that line of work* and I have spent a lot of time seeing the inner workings of one. But to be one you have to leave the lovely state of WV. I never thought I could do that.

You see my Mother and I have this unusual attachment to each other. When I was 4 she almost died of Cancer. She basically thought she was going to die and everyone else thought she was too. She was very sick for a long time. She used to make me promise to put my wedding bouquet on her grave- and I was 4 so I pretty much had this bizarre fascination with funerals from a young age. She gave me very specific instructions on what to do when she died. Yes, I was 4.

But she didn't die, obviously, nothing can take that woman down, she is a machine ;) But she never really allowed me to grow up. She wanted more children but the Cancer took away that opportunity. So she kind of babied me to the extreme.

She does not let me make decisions for myself. I am 31 years old and she tells me when I have to wash my hair. As if I am totally incapable of deciding for myself when to wash my own hair. She also picked out my car and my car insurance after I left my husband. I did not get to decide for myself, even though I am paying for it.

I mean, sure, I CAN make my own decisions- if I want to be miserable and listen to her complain all the time. It really is just easier to do what she says than to live with the aftermath of it all.

Needless to say- I really, really did not want to move back in here. And if I had any other options other than a shelter, I wouldn't have.

So back to my job. I don't make any money. I am not paid what my education and test scores are worth. I think I could probably easily get a job in a state that has teaching jobs in surplus. But I am too scared to go out on my own. I just don't think I could do it.

Because I was raised to think that I can't do anything for myself.

Now let's talk about my past employment history. I was a Nanny for a long time. Someone hired me and paid me to help them raise their child- I worked a lot of hours.

Then I worked as a shelter manager and I was responsible for the safety of hundred of women and children during the time I worked there. In a situation that could literally be life and death for them. I made decisions all the time.

I am a teacher right now. I am responsible for 17 lives every day. What I do and say can shape their lives.

So yeah, I am obviously not a moron. *I can't spell, but that is a whole other blog post ;)* I wouldn't be hired to do these jobs if people did not trust my ability to make decisions.

So why am I so afraid to apply this to myself? And why is my Mother so afraid of letting me decide when to wash my hair?

Thoughts?

Pity Party time

So as it seems with me, as soon as I start to feel really positive about my life, something comes along that just makes me feel sorry for myself all over again. I annoy even myself at times.

I tend to be over critical. It no doubt stems from my STBX. After all, I couldn't grocery shop correctly or even do the dishes right LOL And I was worse than the terrorists responsible for September 11th. So naturally, the list of things I was good at was small ;)

And of course my Mom- nothing is good enough for Mom. But that is part of her overall charm. ;)

We had drama at work today. Basically the school I work for is responsible for a 7 year old flunking out of the second grade. It is a bit of a stretch, considering we teach 4 year olds. But today I had just reached my fill on rude people, I guess.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my blood pressure medicine. I only mention it being for BP because this transaction probably caused it to go way up LOL

They told me I had no insurance. Um. I had it last week? Walmart's pharmacy thinks I have insurance. They filled another medicine for me two weeks ago. I gave them my card and the lady was a bit rude to me. Like I was wasting her time. Well, maybe I was. I mean, I paid full price for the medicine, I think it is her job to at least try to run my insurance through. I figure it has something to do with the fact that they can not spell my name correctly- something I have told them a thousand times but it is never fixed. Anyway, I had to pay $14 for medicine- I don't have $14- so I was frustrated by it. I used my gas money because going without my BP medicine falls in to the emergency catagory for me. The medicine is under a dollar with insurance. Of course the insurance company is closed and wont be open until Monday- during my work hours so I have to miss time to call them.

So anyway, I came home and cried. This wonderful, sobbing, blubbering cry.

I can admit that sometimes I hate the entire world. That sounds harsh. That is harsh. I felt sorry for myself because I was going in to the whole "Hey, what is up with this?! Can't someone else get dumped on for a while?" kind of mindset. So I am admitting that I was acting like a gigantic toddler. It is okay, I didn't do it in public. LOL

Sometimes I feel so sick of being inconvienced for other people's mistakes. This is either my boss's fault, the insurance company's fault or the pharmacy's fault. Not my fault. I pay my insurance premiums every paycheck. They got their money from me. I just think it would be nice if everyone could do their part of their job and that way it would work smoothly for me. Wishful thinking?

Am I just a huge brat today? I think I might be!

I am obviously very cranky right now. It is going on three months of the period. Can we all agree that I have earned a little crankiness?