Sunday, February 28, 2010

Feeling better

Wow I had a massive anxiety attack last night. I haven't had one of those since B was arrested. I had a lot that first week alone.

I am having bad dreams that he tries to grab me at court. My Dad is going with me and even though he is older, I have full confidence that he could protect me from B. B is, after all, a coward. An actual strong and tough man usually will not hit a woman. So I think under it all he is a coward.

I deleted everyone from church but two people that I know would never even think of friending him on Facebook. My Dad says that I am punishing my friends. I don't see it that way. I see it that, if they were my friends, they would not be speaking to a man who abused me for 8 years. That is just my humble opinion on this issue. I believe that people need to pick a side in an abuse situation. If we were just two people who didn't get along, fine, be friends with both of us. But after being choked, kicked, punched, etc, I doubt the character of anyone who is okay with that. And if they don't believe that he did that, that is basically saying that I am a liar. I don't want to be friends with anyone who thinks I am a liar.

So as far as my church goes- he can have it. I can find a new church. I should have done that in the first place. I did not feel a lot of support from them when this happened. I can rebuild my life elsewhere. He used to act inappropriatly at church all the time, so it is only a matter of time before he stops his good behavior and goes back to how he used to be. Perhaps then people will realize that he is only after manipulation and a free meal.

Besides, he claims to be an atheist. What can he do to help the church? He used to say that all Christians were idiots- especially me. I was the biggest idiot of them all. But if they want him sitting at their table, so be it.

I am cranky because I feel like he has taken everything from me. I had to leave my home. I had to give up my car *although in the divorce I plan to get half the value of it*, I had to give up my cats, I had to give up my medical insurance. Now he wants my church. He would probably prefer it if I dropped dead, but I refuse to give him that satisfaction. And I think about that every time I am tempted to overeat!

I feel like I really only have 100% support from my Dad. Even if he doesn't understand why I don't to be FB friends with people he is friends with, at least my Dad is 100% on my side. My Mom, I can't really say that about. Of course my coworkers are all on my side, but they aren't really in the position of giving me emotional support right now. And my internet friends. Really, this is my only outlet sometimes. I really need to get out more. I think I will once I have some money. When I start getting some of these medical bills paid off, I am going to start going to dinner with friends or to the movies or something.

The main problem is that I don't really have any friends. And not for lack of trying! B always scared them all away when we were together. My coworkers don't seem interested, although I have mentioned doing things with them, no one seems interested when I ask.

Oh well. I don't even really have a pet. How sad am I? I am a country song!

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