Feeling better

Wow I had a massive anxiety attack last night. I haven't had one of those since B was arrested. I had a lot that first week alone.

I am having bad dreams that he tries to grab me at court. My Dad is going with me and even though he is older, I have full confidence that he could protect me from B. B is, after all, a coward. An actual strong and tough man usually will not hit a woman. So I think under it all he is a coward.

I deleted everyone from church but two people that I know would never even think of friending him on Facebook. My Dad says that I am punishing my friends. I don't see it that way. I see it that, if they were my friends, they would not be speaking to a man who abused me for 8 years. That is just my humble opinion on this issue. I believe that people need to pick a side in an abuse situation. If we were just two people who didn't get along, fine, be friends with both of us. But after being choked, kicked, punched, etc, I doubt the character of anyone who is okay with that. And if they don't believe that he did that, that is basically saying that I am a liar. I don't want to be friends with anyone who thinks I am a liar.

So as far as my church goes- he can have it. I can find a new church. I should have done that in the first place. I did not feel a lot of support from them when this happened. I can rebuild my life elsewhere. He used to act inappropriatly at church all the time, so it is only a matter of time before he stops his good behavior and goes back to how he used to be. Perhaps then people will realize that he is only after manipulation and a free meal.

Besides, he claims to be an atheist. What can he do to help the church? He used to say that all Christians were idiots- especially me. I was the biggest idiot of them all. But if they want him sitting at their table, so be it.

I am cranky because I feel like he has taken everything from me. I had to leave my home. I had to give up my car *although in the divorce I plan to get half the value of it*, I had to give up my cats, I had to give up my medical insurance. Now he wants my church. He would probably prefer it if I dropped dead, but I refuse to give him that satisfaction. And I think about that every time I am tempted to overeat!

I feel like I really only have 100% support from my Dad. Even if he doesn't understand why I don't to be FB friends with people he is friends with, at least my Dad is 100% on my side. My Mom, I can't really say that about. Of course my coworkers are all on my side, but they aren't really in the position of giving me emotional support right now. And my internet friends. Really, this is my only outlet sometimes. I really need to get out more. I think I will once I have some money. When I start getting some of these medical bills paid off, I am going to start going to dinner with friends or to the movies or something.

The main problem is that I don't really have any friends. And not for lack of trying! B always scared them all away when we were together. My coworkers don't seem interested, although I have mentioned doing things with them, no one seems interested when I ask.

Oh well. I don't even really have a pet. How sad am I? I am a country song!

Tired

I am very tired.

So tonight I click on a friend's wall and I see my STBX in her friend's section. Why did I do that? I would never have known if I hadn't clicked to see her wall.

I am very uncomfortable with this for a few reasons.
1. Well, he never spoke to this person hardly ever before. Why the sudden need to be friends with her now?
2. Is everything and anything I say somehow getting back to him?
3. Can he see what I write to her on her status updates?

I have to accept the fact that he won. He claims to be an athiest *I have no idea how to spell this but it is too late to fight with spell check*, yet he keeps showing up at the church I have gone to for 8 years. And now he is friends with one of my good church friends?

Okay, he won. He can have my church. Take it, it's his. He needs it a lot more than I do, apparently.

I think I have to move. I need to find a real job in another state and move there. I will have zero support there, but I will be safe. I wont have to worry that he can stop by my house any time he wants to like he can right now.

I am also thinking that I might change my name. That is how serious this has been in my life. It seems to be a joke to some people. "Oh I have been friends with J for years, and her STBX never spoke to me the entire time I knew her, but I am going to be FB friends with him now that she left him, even though he beat her. Good for me." But it is not a joke to me. :0(

Does anyone know how they handle things like pre-existing conditions when you change jobs on medical insurance? I don't own my BiPap machine yet. I would hate to have to give it back if I get a job out of state and I move. Not that I could get a job, but maybe, you never know.

I am thinking about deactivating my FB account.

Well, his initials are B.S

Maybe my in laws knew he was going to be full of it when they named him. I think having the initials of B.S is just perfect for him.

So, to update everyone.

We had a huge credit card in our marriage. We were never spenders, we never had cable or internet or anything fun. But what we did have was a whole lot of medical bills. Mostly mine. Okay, all mine! But when you have the choice of emergency surgery or dying, you take the surgery, even if you don't have medical insurance.

And a lot of the debt was because he had this strange idea that it was okay to drop 4K in to fixing a car that might have been worth 1K, which never made sense to me. But according to him, any car under 20 years old was still young enough to put work in to.

Sooooooo. This huge credit card is all in his name. When we separated (that does not look right but spell check is saying it is) I was paying half of the minimum payment. Until the point where I was tired of him screaming and cussing at me every time I tried to talk to him about it. So I was like, Whatever, my lawyer doesn't think I will have to pay it at all, so go ahead and keep screaming at me! I will stop mailing the checks! And I did.

I suppose it is just a huge coincidence *sarcasm* that he calls my Mom a week and one day before I testify against him in court to tell her that he cashed in his 401K and paid off the bill.

Which is what the lawyer would have made him do anyhow, because half of that 401K was mine anyhow. So him doing that saves me money in having to pay her to do that for me.

But then he asks my Mom to ask me to file taxes with him so he wont have to pay so much. Um, as my chickens would say "Too bad, so sad, sorry about your bad chicken luck!" (I have no idea where AJ got that from, but his Dad is blaming his Mom, but he taught all of the kids to say that and they now think it is hilarious. I added the chicken luck part because it sounds better than just saying "Sorry about your bad luck!" LOL)

My Mom was not sure what to say to him so she told him she would let me know and I would e-mail him.

Well I think that anyone reading this blog right now knows that I am paying off HUGE "going blind is expensive" bills right now and him punching me in the side of the head probably didn't help my sight much, so if he thinks I am filing with him to make his life easier, he is totally crocked in the head. I want his life to be difficult. In fact, now that the marital debt is gone, I am tempted to go after him for half of the value of the car he took away from me. Seems fair, I had to buy one when he took it from me.

I realize that people might look down on me for this, or I could lose readers for this... but.. I kind of want him to suffer a little bit. For every punch, every slap, every kick, every time he stole my keys and my check card and my wallet and every time he embarassed me at church and every time he made yet another friend stop talking to me because he made them uncomfortable or treated them rudely, for every name he called me and for every single time I heard myself called bitch, moron, idiot and stupid, and for every candle he threw at me and for every piece of my parent's furniture and my personal property he destroyed, for every time he treated the cats like humans and me like a dog- I want him to suffer.

And I can honestly say that I can sit in front of a judge today and tell them that, without guilt or feeling bad or feeling like I am not taking the high road.

So the fact that he calls a week before court to tell my Mom that he has paid this bill- oh, he paid it two MONTHS ago- is not lost on me. You see, this is manipulation.

I have been a good little therapy student and I can now recognize that he waited this long to tell me and planned it for this week because he wants me to have good feelings towards him. He wants me to forget all of the bad things he did to me. He wants me to walk in to the court room with that old familiar "Oh he isn't that bad, maybe he has changed" thought running through my mind.

Well, the day one of my students lays a golden egg is the day he has changed. :P

So I send him an e-mailing explaining that I am unable to file jointly with him, because I already filed and paid them. I did not mention that when I wrote the check I also wrote "FREEDOM" because it was $426 worth of it. But just that I had already paid and that I hoped the cats were doing well.

Just the cats. I did not say that I hoped he is doing well because I really don't hope he is doing well. I hope he is doing horribly. I hope that he stays awake at night replaying every vile thing he ever did to me. He isn't, but I hope that he would.

Then today he calls my Mom again *okay, seriously, she has caller ID- I really find it beyond aggrivating that she takes his calls and my Dad just about freaks out every time he hears about it because he thinks that B is below the very scum of the earth, but I can't control her* and he tells her that I was mad at him in my e-mail and he doesn't understand why I am mad at him.

Um, you have a degree, you tell ME why I am mad at you.

Again, he is trying to manipulate me. If I had any money I would send my therapist flowers. I could not have gotten to this point without him.

So now, dear readers, you might think less of me. I can not believe I openly admitted that I really can not stand my STBX. But I think that it has been a long time coming for me. I really needed to let it out that yes, I truly can not stand him and I loathe him. I abhor him. And yes, it does make me happy to know that he is still out of work, poor and basically miserable. And he has no cable, thanks to me. Wow, I just laughed at that thought.

I promise you that I am not really a bad person. Two months ago I was still talking to him and he was telling me what to do and threatening me all the time, etc. He told me he would file a restraining order against me if I cancelled the cable in a house I hadn't lived in for 4 months, etc. I have just reached the point where I have zero sympathy for him. I used to have a lot of sympathy for him. Now I have none.

I think I need to feel that way heading in to court. If not, I fear I will not tell my whole side and he will get off once again without any consequenes.

When I grow up..

I read somewhere that children who are sheltered often end up with jobs that don't pay well because they never really think they are able to do more complicated jobs.

Well, that is sort of what I read, I can't express it the way the author did.

Anyhow. So let's talk about my life.

I was always an overachiever. My Mom enrolled me in college before I finished high school. I ended up on academic probation and almost flunking out.

I took a few years off, then went back and started digging myself out of that whole. Once you trash your GPA it is really, really hard to get it back up.

I am going to be honest here and say that I really wanted to be a funeral director. A relative of mine owns one *although he is super unhelpful as far as me wanting to go in to that line of work* and I have spent a lot of time seeing the inner workings of one. But to be one you have to leave the lovely state of WV. I never thought I could do that.

You see my Mother and I have this unusual attachment to each other. When I was 4 she almost died of Cancer. She basically thought she was going to die and everyone else thought she was too. She was very sick for a long time. She used to make me promise to put my wedding bouquet on her grave- and I was 4 so I pretty much had this bizarre fascination with funerals from a young age. She gave me very specific instructions on what to do when she died. Yes, I was 4.

But she didn't die, obviously, nothing can take that woman down, she is a machine ;) But she never really allowed me to grow up. She wanted more children but the Cancer took away that opportunity. So she kind of babied me to the extreme.

She does not let me make decisions for myself. I am 31 years old and she tells me when I have to wash my hair. As if I am totally incapable of deciding for myself when to wash my own hair. She also picked out my car and my car insurance after I left my husband. I did not get to decide for myself, even though I am paying for it.

I mean, sure, I CAN make my own decisions- if I want to be miserable and listen to her complain all the time. It really is just easier to do what she says than to live with the aftermath of it all.

Needless to say- I really, really did not want to move back in here. And if I had any other options other than a shelter, I wouldn't have.

So back to my job. I don't make any money. I am not paid what my education and test scores are worth. I think I could probably easily get a job in a state that has teaching jobs in surplus. But I am too scared to go out on my own. I just don't think I could do it.

Because I was raised to think that I can't do anything for myself.

Now let's talk about my past employment history. I was a Nanny for a long time. Someone hired me and paid me to help them raise their child- I worked a lot of hours.

Then I worked as a shelter manager and I was responsible for the safety of hundred of women and children during the time I worked there. In a situation that could literally be life and death for them. I made decisions all the time.

I am a teacher right now. I am responsible for 17 lives every day. What I do and say can shape their lives.

So yeah, I am obviously not a moron. *I can't spell, but that is a whole other blog post ;)* I wouldn't be hired to do these jobs if people did not trust my ability to make decisions.

So why am I so afraid to apply this to myself? And why is my Mother so afraid of letting me decide when to wash my hair?

Thoughts?

Pity Party time

So as it seems with me, as soon as I start to feel really positive about my life, something comes along that just makes me feel sorry for myself all over again. I annoy even myself at times.

I tend to be over critical. It no doubt stems from my STBX. After all, I couldn't grocery shop correctly or even do the dishes right LOL And I was worse than the terrorists responsible for September 11th. So naturally, the list of things I was good at was small ;)

And of course my Mom- nothing is good enough for Mom. But that is part of her overall charm. ;)

We had drama at work today. Basically the school I work for is responsible for a 7 year old flunking out of the second grade. It is a bit of a stretch, considering we teach 4 year olds. But today I had just reached my fill on rude people, I guess.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my blood pressure medicine. I only mention it being for BP because this transaction probably caused it to go way up LOL

They told me I had no insurance. Um. I had it last week? Walmart's pharmacy thinks I have insurance. They filled another medicine for me two weeks ago. I gave them my card and the lady was a bit rude to me. Like I was wasting her time. Well, maybe I was. I mean, I paid full price for the medicine, I think it is her job to at least try to run my insurance through. I figure it has something to do with the fact that they can not spell my name correctly- something I have told them a thousand times but it is never fixed. Anyway, I had to pay $14 for medicine- I don't have $14- so I was frustrated by it. I used my gas money because going without my BP medicine falls in to the emergency catagory for me. The medicine is under a dollar with insurance. Of course the insurance company is closed and wont be open until Monday- during my work hours so I have to miss time to call them.

So anyway, I came home and cried. This wonderful, sobbing, blubbering cry.

I can admit that sometimes I hate the entire world. That sounds harsh. That is harsh. I felt sorry for myself because I was going in to the whole "Hey, what is up with this?! Can't someone else get dumped on for a while?" kind of mindset. So I am admitting that I was acting like a gigantic toddler. It is okay, I didn't do it in public. LOL

Sometimes I feel so sick of being inconvienced for other people's mistakes. This is either my boss's fault, the insurance company's fault or the pharmacy's fault. Not my fault. I pay my insurance premiums every paycheck. They got their money from me. I just think it would be nice if everyone could do their part of their job and that way it would work smoothly for me. Wishful thinking?

Am I just a huge brat today? I think I might be!

I am obviously very cranky right now. It is going on three months of the period. Can we all agree that I have earned a little crankiness?

Bills, bills, bills

Well my health insurance is going up. By a lot.

I crunched the numbers. I will be lucky to clear $20 a paycheck, and that is going to go towards medicine and shampoo most likely. I am a bit scared by this, but then I think, "Eh, what do I really need to buy, anyhow?"

The tax bill was a huge set back for me, financially speaking. I am hoping to pay off one of the hospitals by July, that will free up $80 a month. I am also not giving my ex a dime towards the credit card we have together. Mainly because he kept screaming and cursing at me when I would try to talk to him about it, and because I did not have proof that he was using the money to pay it. It is in his name. Sooooooo. Plus the lawyer I went to thinks that I wont have to pay it anyhow in the divorce because of his retirement that I wont have. Not that it matters, I don't have a tree to yank that $65 a month off of anyhow LOL

I need to maybe find a second job. I have to really concentrate on that.

I fear having to relocate to get a good job. I mean, let's face it, Pre K doesn't pay well. I have a degree. I can do so much better for myself. In another state. It is just getting the courage to do that, that is the problem.

A post on MDC really hit home for me tonight. About how unmotivated my STBX was. He never really wanted to better himself. He had a degree but refused to use it. Meanwhile I would have loved to be able to use mine, but here, it isn't happening. But he could have used his degree here easily but he wouldn't. He would threaten to quit his job a lot, never went to work on time and had the bad habit of yelling at his boss, plus he did not get along with anyone. Ever. What a mess. And when he was at work he was on the internet a lot of the time. I can't believe he didn't get layed off sooner than he did.

I can remember being so bitter because I was working 70 hours a week. Seventy hours. And he was barely "working" his 40, and then going home and playing computer games all night. Just so he could be late again the next day.

Can I just say that I am so thankful to be out of that situation? So yes, I will take my $20 that I have left over and I pay these medical bills, and I will rejoice to have it. Because the money I had when I lived with him is not worth the misery I suffered. No way, no how.

My Dad likes to tease me about "working for nothing". It does seem as though I do go to work and I don't actually have any money to show for it. I could write a country song, maybe? "My ex took my car, had to buy a new one. Going blinde is expensive, and I am singing the blues." Do you think Carrie Underwood would record it? ;)

But my smallest hospital bill is now $400. Can you believe it????????????? I will soon own all of those MRIs they did on me LOL So when that is paid off, that is $80 more a month I will have. Yay for me!

Tonight I got teary-eyed in the living room. I was crocheting a blanket while sitting with my Dad watching Bill O'Reilly. I just blurted out "I love you Dad and I am so thankful to be sitting here instead of at my old house with my abuser!" And that is so true.

God has blessed my, that is for sure!!

Snow way!

Can it possible snow any more than it already has? I don't think so!

Hypocrite

My cousin almost killed herself last night binge drinking alcohol. My first thought is how stupid she is. Why does she want to kill herself with her habits?

Of course I am the same way. True, I don't drink so much that my blood alcohol level is 400 and end up in the ICU. However, I almost died from sleep apnea, which is caused by my weight, and my blood pressure is high and my body always hurts, etc. So I am pretty much the same. Every time I drink a soda or eat something high in fight and low in nutritional value, I am doing the same.

Rest in peace Hermies and Mr. Krab

I got an Urgent Facebook message today from the parent of the chicken who was crab sitting this weekend. Apparantly he forgot he took them home and left them in the car... overnight.

The crabs are now in Crabby Heaven, having lived a full life of being Pre K class pets. Said parent feels terrible and is replacing them before next Tuesday when the kids are back at school. The ground is frozen and covered in a foot and a half of snow, so we wont be burrying them like the other class pets. The Dad offered to upgrade us to a better pet, but state laws and my allergies pretty much limit us to fish and crabs. Although I would have preferred the turtle he offered, the regulations say they carry disease and what not. So crabs it is!

I have felt sick the past couple of days. Nauseous and really tired. The stomach flu is making it's rounds here, so it could be that. The period that wont go away is still here. At yet another doctor appointment she encouraged me to wait another month. Hopefully it stops once I start a new pack of pills. I think I need to up my iron, that could be a lot of the yuckiness right there. I am just so tired of dealing with my period. Is it very heavy so I change clothes and shower more than once a day. I change my sheets a lot because it is so heavy. I go through packs and packs of maxi pads or I wash Mama cloth every other day. One is expensive, the other a chore. Blech. I will be so glad to have three weeks off, if that ever happens. I mean, it has been two months. TWO MONTHS!

I have $429 worth of...

Well tonight I wrote a check for $429 to pay my taxes. It depleted my entire savings. I had to rob Peter to pay Paul, sort of. I took most of it from my medical bill fund. However, now I don't have to talk to my soon to be ex husband and file jointly with him. So I bought myself $429 worth of peace of mind. Or, $429 worth of freedom :0)

And it felt good.

Who knows how long it will take me to pay down again on the medical bills. It could be a while before I can go back to Weight Watchers :0(

I went back to the doctor today because my period will not go away. She did an exam and told me to keep taking the BC pills. To give it another month, then come back if I still have it. Ugh. I am not looking forward to having my period for another month. Hopefully it will stop soon. She told me to eat around 2,000 calories a day and I should drop some weight that way. That is not as many as I am getting doing WWs.

One of the parent's was 20 minutes late tonight to get her kids. I had to give her a late fee times two. They are new, so I felt bad about it, but they have already been late once and were told that if it happened again they would be charged. She told me it was impossible for her to be there on time. She is going to be charged every time she is late. The director explained it to her up front, twice. I don't understand why people sign contracts if they know they can not follow them? Obviously our center is not a good fit for her. There are a lot of others in the area a lot cheaper than us open longer hours. It makes sense to go with a place that fits with your schedule. I did the math and if she is 20 minutes late every day for 5 days a week, that is an extra $200 a WEEK in late fees. But it did not seem to phase her, maybe she has the extra money to spare??? Yikes.

Now, I am not normally a stickler for late fees. I have only ever given one other in my year and a half working there. And that was a repeat offender that you have to give one to once in a while to remind her of the rules. I gave her her last warning tonight too, I was on a roll, apparantly LOL I have had parents up to a half hour late when I did not charge them. However, that is a half hour late one time in the whole 5 years they had been going there, because of traffic problems, and they all had called repeatedly to let us know what was up. So fine, I did not charge them. And in each case it never happened again. So I am not just being Mean Miss J or anything. But I felt mean today. She did not even call and her kids were sobbing because they knew she was late- 5 year olds are a lot smarter than people sometimes give them credit for. And I had no idea what to tell them because I had never met this lady before *I was not at work all week*, she did not call, and I could not get ahold of her. Please at least call :0( So I can tell your kids that you are a few minutes away, etc. If you don't call I assume you are coming ASAP so I tell them that, then I am a liar when you don't show up.

I talked to my boss and she was not pleased that we had kids that late. The cleaning crew can't come in while we are there, so that is a problem, the guards don't want people there past time, and she has to pay the extra fees like electric and overtime for the staff. What a mess.

So Mean Miss J reared her ugly head today. And from the sounds of it I will have to do this every. single. day. At least until she gets her bill and sees that all of those late fee papers she has signed are adding up big time on her bill!

Hellooooooooooooo

I am so over the snow. I want to go back to work and have my nice, normal schedule again!

Here's hoping I get my 8 hours in tomorrow!

Thanks to owing taxes this year I cannot afford to go to Weight Watchers. Naturally I go to one weigh in before getting the tax bill. I can't find a part time job to work around my hours so now I am back in stressed mode. Just when I crawl out of the financial hole enough to see the light, I get knocked back down again. So I am sort of depressed about that. And the birth control pills aren't working, my period is still here. I just can't swing another doctor copay right now, not after missing so much work from the weather and eating up my time off.

So, yeah, welcome to my pity party, can I offer you some water with lemon? LOL

I am trying not to get down about it. I will one day eventually pay off these bills. I have to, right? I mean, it's not like the hospital is charging interest or anything.

I thought I might just keep going to weight watchers anyway, but my Mom keeps telling me that I can't afford it :0( Perhaps I prefer to live in denial about it?

I am so confused in my head about everything. I wish it was a dry erase board and I could just wipe it clean somehow.

A bit depressed

Today is depressed day for me. Stuck at home for a snow day. We are expecting more snow tomorrow. I am a creature of habit and I don't like for my schedule to be out of sorts.

I have not spoken to my STBX since December 21st. I need to avoid watching shows like "The Bachelor" because they depress me. I feel like it would be nice to have someone be nice to me. Someone to see me and care for me on face value. Not someone who wants to constantly point out everything I have ever done wrong in my entire life. I find that exhausting. I wonder if love exists at all.

So I had my taxes done and I owe $400. I would get a refund back if I filed with my STBX. But I think it is worth the $400 not to have to talk to him.

I feel very empty right now. I ate terribly today. Candy, cola, junk. Perhaps that is coming out in how I feel right now. I also had a ton of fruits and veggies today, ironically enough. I am so strange sometimes.

I feel very alone. I don't like that feeling.

Hoky vegetables, Batman!

I just got out the menu at work to help plan my menus and I find the following items have been added for snacks:

Raw veggies with dip
fruit smoothies
jello and fruit
cut up apples with dip

:faint: I will believe it when I see it. As in, I am not holding my breath that this will actually happen. But if it DOES, how wonderful?!?!?! Much better than Rice Krispy Treats and cake, which still made the menu but not as much.

Why are people rude?

I don't get it. I think that there is a huge amount of moody people that seem to surround me. Am I doing something to attract the moodiness? I hope not!

We have over a foot of snow here. Is it my fault? No. I think God is going to do what He wants to do without needing any input from me :P Most of the teachers at my center have been without water, heat, phone and electricity for several days now. I am not one of them, praise God, but I am keeping them in my prayers. It must be very difficult to go without so many comforts in this harsh cold and snow.

So, we can not open tomorrow. Only two of us can get there, me and the girl who lives across the street. We have 100 kids. Yeah, that is called illegal. A lot of the kids live near the school and will probably be able to get there. The teachers, not so much.

So my boss calls me and asks me to call the after school aged kid's parents.

Up until the point all of the parents have always been wonderful- at least to my face, behind my back is a whole other story ;) (I once had a chicken cry because his Dad made fun of me at their house and it upset him. Blah.)

So I call and the Mom is not there, so I talk to the Dad. I have never actually met him. I do know that he doesn't usually work. So if he doesn't work it shouldn't be too much of an issue for him to stay home and watch his kids.

He reemed me out for "How dare I close school when his wife has to work?" etc, etc, etc.

Um, okay. First of all I did not have anything to do with closing school. I flatter myself to think that God's snow storm and our director's title took care of that for me. I am only the one passing along the news. And two, YOU DON'T WORK! You sit home and watch TV all day, why can't you take care of your own child????? Good grief, people are rude.

Of course I did not say that, I just bit my tongue. But blech, he is so rude.

And this lady is late every single day to get her kids and I have looked the other day. Guess what? That stops. Now. I will rain late fees down on her like the snow falling from the sky. If they can not extend courtesy to me, I no longer feel like breaking the rules for them.

On another note, no weight watchers tomorrow either :0(

Thank goodness today is over!

Today was a very stressful day at work. When I pulled in to the parking lot I saw my coworker outside in the freezing cold digging sand out of the sandbox. I actually said outloud: Today is going to be a bad day.

Guess what song was playing on the radio? "I've got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night!" So I had to laugh at the irony!

The people who came to evaluate us showed up at 7:30. I think we run a pretty well oiled machine at my school, and most Kindergarten teachers rave about our program. The school board has ideas that I don't find practical, however, we have a contract so we do implement them. But the whole system is new for us this year so it was scary to have the check. Thankfully for us we are on government property so we at least had a head's up as to when they came, because they could not get past the guards without notice, the other places just have random checks. So we are fortunate in that respect.

I am a pretty AP teacher, if that is a catagory. I know that schools sometimes frown upon affection, so it was hard to turn that part of myself off today. My humble opinion is that if the parents are okay with it and the children are okay with it and the teacher is okay with it, then there is nothing wrong with hugs, fond nicknames, etc. If any one of the three is uncomfortable then, and only then, does it become an issue.

They asked a ton of questions. Some things I am sure impressed them. Other things, not so much. The one lady was repulsed when I told her that the kids brush their teeth at the same sink that they wash their hands at. Um... do you have a seperate tooth brushing sink and handwashing sink at home?! I doubt it. Sure, I have had Master bathrooms with two sinks, but even then one was not just for brushing teeth and one was not just for washing hands. Good grief. I have been using the same sink for both for 31 years now and I am still alive ;)

And I did not have enough books out. I checked that list and I could have sworn that I had everything they wanted, but I guess not. So we will be dinged for that.

At any rate, this morning one of the Dad's leaned over and whispered "No matter what they say you should know that you guys do a great job!" That was nice and set a good tone for the day!

Tomorrow- weather permitting- we should have our results.

Twenty minutes after they left, one of my kids tripped on her own feet and gashed her head open on the table :0( We were playing a game and she was just walking and I am not sure if one of the kids maybe put their hand behind them and she tripped or if it was a shoe issue, etc. I actually did catch her but she had already hit her head at that point. So I picked her up and was rubbing her back, talking quietly to her, thinking that she would have one huge goose egg. Then my coteacher turned a bit pale and my chicken moved her hand and blood was just going everywhere. I sat her down, ran to grab gloves and towels and we got the bleeding stopped. I called her Dad and she needed two stitches. She came back to get her brother and she was happy and bragging about her trip to McD's after the stitches, so it is fine. It was nice to see how well my coteacher and I work together using nonverbal communcation. We handled the injury quickly with no drama or confusion. None of that "What should we do?" panic stuff that sometimes happens when people see blood.

Then later on in the day another student had a small party at snack time because his birthday was today. He is having just a family *and me* party at a pizza place over the weekend, but he wanted to have cupcakes with his friends. After the cupcakes he presents me with the biggest chocolate bar I have ever seen. He bought them for all of the teachers. I mean, seriously, this thing was huge. Easily a pound of candy.

I did not have any of it, but man was I tempted!! Thankfully I had tried my coworkers rice pudding and it was sitting in my stomach like a huge rock. So that helped keep me from trying the candy LOL

I still have the World's Longest Period. I broke down today and bought disposable maxi pads. I know, I am all about my Mama cloth, but something has got to give. I can not handle that much laundry every couple of days. I have to wash them twice to get the blood out. I got the super gigantic overnight extra long pads so hopefully I wont be running to the bathroom every hour again tomorrow.

As an update, in case I forgot, the Provera did not work long term. It stopped it for a couple of days but it came back in full force. So my doctor called in Birth Control pills for me. I have taken them since Monday and still it has not slowed down. I am hoping it will soon. It has been two months and the process is making me sort of nauseous. It would not be so bad if it wasn't so heavy. I have to change the sheets every other day and I can not wear any light colors because it is so unpredictable and even the super thick Mama cloth is not containing it. Crazy! In all of my years I have never had staining issues until now.

And perhaps someone can educate me, but where is it coming from? I realize that when you are not pregnant the lining sheds, I get that. But that can not take two months. It just can't. What is up with my body? :0(

I am filing my taxes as married but filing seperatly. Unfortunatly that means that I owe $400 instead of getting money back. I could get a refund if I file with my H. However, I have not spoken to him since before Christmas and I do not want to start again now. I am going to have to find a way to get $400 before April. But it will be worth it not to bring his negative energy back in to my life!

Some people shouldn't be allowed to talk

Okay so one of my coworkers mentioned some problems she was having in her marriage, when another coworker said "I just don't understand why Jaime put up with what she did. She should have just kicked his butt."

Um, okay, you really shouldn't talk. You have no idea what you would do if you were being mentally, emotionally and physically abused. And for the record I did try to fight back once and got hurt. I learned. Ugh. I just can not stand when people say those kinds of things. Like, hello?! Do you not SEE me sitting there across from you? She needs an edit button.

Six months ago...

Six months ago..

- was the worst day of my life.

- was the last time I will ever be slapped, called cruel names or have things thrown at me.

- was the first time I ever truly leaned on someone to be stronger than myself.

- left me feeling scared and uncapable.

- saw a million of my tears.

- started a whole new life for me.

Today marks six months of freedom. Six months of learning what my laugh sounds like again. Six months of not worrying that people will stop talking to me if my H treats them badly. Six months of being able to cry when I want to and laugh when I want to and pray when I want to. Six months of never ducking a candle flying through the air at my head, or frantically searching for possessions either stolen or destroyed. Six month's worth of not having to walk on egg shells for fear that I will be left somewhere or hit or kicked or screamed at.

Six months of being able to breath.

No, it is not my birthday, but it is still a very important day for me :0)

I joined today

I joined Weight Watchers today. My weight on their scale was 460 pounds even. Up a bit from my doctor, but I am trying to remind myself that all scales are not going to be exactly the same.

Does anyone know what tomorrow is for me? :0)