I got my period today. The first since the three month long period from heck. Thanks to the birth control pills for finally stopping it.
So today is Saturday and I spent my evening watching "The Big Bang Theory" while playing Tetris on an emulator the STBX installed on my computer while chatting with my Dad. It hit me how, sort of pathetic that was. However, it is still better than my old life where I would have been hiding from my husband the entire weekend.
I am really dissatisfied with my church. On July 17th I went half blind. I was in the hospital for a while and they were thinking I might have MS. They still aren't sure about that. August 2nd my husband punched me in a rage and was arrested. On August 1th I had surgery. I moved back in with my parents on September 2nd-ish. I could be off on the exact dates. But that is close.
No one from my church called me during this time or asked how I was, etc.
This causes a great deal of distress for me, because I was so active in my church. For years I was active. Sunday school, Children's Church, founding member of various committees dedicated to safety of the kids, Wednesday night Children's Choir, made countless blankets and shawls for the prayer shawl ministry. I did these things because it made me happy to give back to something. But it hurt a lot when no one called to check on me when my life basically fell apart.
I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. My Mom works with several church members and they gossiped about me a lot. It is to be expected. I was a liar and pretended to have one of those good marriages for so long. I guess I deserved to be gossiped about.
I realize that a new Pastor took over during the summer and perhaps things would have been different if the old Pastor was still there when this happened. But where were my crochet group friends? My Children's choir friend did ask my Mom about me. She was the only one who wasn't just pumping my Mom for gossip information.
I have tried going back to church a few times. It is very uncomfortable for me because so many of my church friends on Facebook are also friends with the man who abused me for 9 years. I am going to openly admit that I do expect people to take sides. It might be childish, but it is true. He made fun of my church friends, saying that Christians were idiots- including me, of course, I am Queen Idiot. I mean, if they want to be friends with someone who makes fun of them behind their backs and who only went to church on some weeknights to eat, so be it. I sincerly doubt he will ever have a conversion and come to know God. Not that it isn't possible because I believe God can do anything He wants, but my STBX is too much of a narccissist to believe in anything higher than himself.
I used to go to the hospital all the time to see church people. How many cards did I sign for people who were sick? How many prayer shawls did I make? I did this because I cared about them. So I can only deduct that I was not amongst the cared for.
But I get it, I am a liar. Hi, my name is Jaime and I had a fake wedding because I had tricked myself in to thinking that I deserved to be punched for asking to borrow a jump drive. I am a liar. I get it. Lying is a sin, whatever.
I don't know. I feel like to not be supported during this time was like another slap in the face.
I feel like I invested years of my life in to people who couldn't be bothered to check in on me when they were trying to decide if I had a debilitating disease. Which I could still have and they wont know until the spots show up on my brain. That is serious, I think. Isn't that serious?
I am probably being selfish. Who knows. I think that it is sad when coworkers that I hardly know care more for me than people I have spent 6 years of my life building a relationship with.
But I was not a member of that church. I went for years but never officially joined. Maybe you have to be a member? I don't know.
This church was not even a good fit for me, really. It was like going to a rock concert. The music was so... weird. I am an old fashioned girl, I guess. I prefer the hymnal to the rock lyrics. I like it to be traditional. I am too old school, perhaps, for this church.
And I am also not nearly as open minded as they are. Am I admitting that? I think I might be more conservative than I orginally thought. All going back to my old self, like I mentioned before. My STBX lead me away from a lot of my old pastimes and interests.
Before I met him I used to write all the time. I loved it. Poetry, short stories, I was always writing. Creating. He told me that was stupid so I stopped. I used to like to go to the movies. He said it was too expensive, so I stopped. I wasn't even allowed to wash my car. So many rules he had on me. He told me church was stupid so for a long time I didn't go. He was upset when I went back. He didn't like me to watch court shows on TV, so I did it in secret. I can't help it, I love Judge Judy. Sadly I can't watch it anymore because the VCR wont work with our satellite dish. Bummer.
I used to wear makeup. And perfume. And fix my hair. He did't like it so I stopped.
I used to wash my face and use nice lotion. He said it was stupid, so I stopped.
I had nice shower gels and I would use those. He said it was expensive so I stopped.
I used to love to scrapbook but he didn't see the point so I stopped.
I used to like to have nice scented candles but he didn't like me to burn them so I stopped. He used to throw them at me a lot when he got mad. I still have the last candle he ever threw at me in my bottom drawer. I want to keep it because I want the reminder of what I am never going to have happen again.
I used to love to draw. But he told me I wasn't good at it so I stopped.
I also liked to sing, I was in my church choir where we used to live. But he said I was bad at it so I stopped that too.
My Mother made us a Christmas wreath to hang on our door and he didn't like it so he tore it down and ripped the ornaments off of it. She made a Valentine's one too but he didn't like it so he would throw it on the floor.
I had to do the dishes how he wanted and grocery shop how he wanted and make the koolaid how he wanted. I never got to do anything the way I wanted. My opinions didn't matter. Why did I give myself away?
The only thing I liked to do that he allowed me to do was crochet. I wonder why? Really.. I wonder why was I allowed to crochet? He even let me spend money on yarn every month. What were his motives for that, I wonder?
Sorry for the depressing post. I think my point was to gather input on my church situation. Am I being a big baby? Or do I have a point? And does anyone know why I gave myself away? I would love to know that too :0(
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Broken hearts and empty promises
By the time I was 15 years old I already knew all of the secret parts of me. I knew what made me laugh. I knew what made me cry. I knew what I was good at and what and who I wanted to be.
Over the last nine years I let someone etch away at my soul. It sounds dramatic, but it really isn't. Not when you look at it in black and white.
I died. My soul, it was dead. I lost so much of myself to him. I let him crush my wings and he laughed about it. He took things from me. Parts of myself that I freely gave. I wanted so badly to fit in to the mold. I wanted to be married, to have a little house, a little fence, a couple of kids and an SUV. I knew I was not supposed to be that person. I knew that the thought of being intimate with him repulsed me. I knew that I was supposed to feel butterflies when he touched me, instead of the urge to pull away. I knew it wasn't right. I still tried so hard to cram myself in to that mold. The mold of the life my parents told me I should have.
I had a lovely fake wedding. I was sick. I was living in a world that simply was not there. I put my mind above my body. I watched myself laughing when the train went by. I loved it when people told me that my wedding was the nicest they had ever been to.
But at what price? Cinderella went to the ball and almost died in the process. Because she was at the wrong dance.
Every single day now, I am getting closer to the person I used to be. I have a spine now. He can no longer manipulate me like he used to. Yesterday was proof of it. I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty because "he can't possibly get a job because he has to call bank for 5 minutes." Instead I rolled my eyes. And I laughed at him. Because, no matter what he told me over the last 9 years, it is he who is the idiot, not me.
And idiot would have stayed with him for 8 years and 89 days, instead of 8 years and 88 days. He is the idiot. Not me.
Today I went to the bank and I closed our joint account. When I called my Dad to tell him, he said "It seems like you are making good progress in getting him out of your life. You made a mistake with him and now you can move on."
And that made me feel good. I am getting rid of him, slowly but surely. Eventually he will just be a bad memory.
My students walked around the nature trail at work today. It broke my heart when my favorite chicken said "Miss J, why are you not going with us?"
It felt like a knife when my coworker jumped in to say "Oh there is work to be done here, Miss J will stay and do that work. It is important work."
But it really isn't. I am glad she interrupted me, because I would have probably told her the truth. Miss J can't go with you because Miss J can't walk around the trail. Nine years of overeating and a slow suicide has made that impossible for me.
And I watched them leave. My chickens. All excited with their wagon full of water and snacks and the first aid kit. Walking single file in to the sunshine, while I stayed behind and tried to pretend that it didn't bother me.
And I feel like this trail is my demon. The devil on my shoulder that mocks me. So many people 200 pounds lighter than me can't even get around the damn thing. So in a way, I shouldn't feel bad for not trying it. It is supposedly pretty brutal. But I feel somehow inadequate for not being able to do it. For being too weak to put down the fork. For cutting out strips of paper for the bulletin board border, instead of making memories with the people I love the most in this world. The people who kept me alive during the darkest part of my world.
I believe that I would have killed myself if I had stayed with my husband. I remember the night that he doused me with crystal light. Standing in the shower, dripping with red. Knowing that it would take days to get the stains out of the carpet, off of the walls, off of my curtains. I stood in the shower and I decided how I would kill myself. I knew in my heart that it would never, ever be better for me. I was never going to be loved or even treated as good as the cats. He had broken me and I couldn't imagine living one more day in that kind of pain.
But I somehow knew that my work wasn't done here. There is important work to be done and I had to do it. It was about my little Buggy, who no one thought was mentally there until I started working with him. It was about love changing your heart and making you want to get out of bed in the mornings. It was about not wanting to hurt any of the people who might actually care for me. It isn't quite the same love that I craved- but it is still love.
So I lived. And that was the night it all changed for me. That was the night I started my plan to get out. And I did get out. And although I have looked back at times and doubted myself, I know that I made the right decision.
Over the last nine years I let someone etch away at my soul. It sounds dramatic, but it really isn't. Not when you look at it in black and white.
I died. My soul, it was dead. I lost so much of myself to him. I let him crush my wings and he laughed about it. He took things from me. Parts of myself that I freely gave. I wanted so badly to fit in to the mold. I wanted to be married, to have a little house, a little fence, a couple of kids and an SUV. I knew I was not supposed to be that person. I knew that the thought of being intimate with him repulsed me. I knew that I was supposed to feel butterflies when he touched me, instead of the urge to pull away. I knew it wasn't right. I still tried so hard to cram myself in to that mold. The mold of the life my parents told me I should have.
I had a lovely fake wedding. I was sick. I was living in a world that simply was not there. I put my mind above my body. I watched myself laughing when the train went by. I loved it when people told me that my wedding was the nicest they had ever been to.
But at what price? Cinderella went to the ball and almost died in the process. Because she was at the wrong dance.
Every single day now, I am getting closer to the person I used to be. I have a spine now. He can no longer manipulate me like he used to. Yesterday was proof of it. I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty because "he can't possibly get a job because he has to call bank for 5 minutes." Instead I rolled my eyes. And I laughed at him. Because, no matter what he told me over the last 9 years, it is he who is the idiot, not me.
And idiot would have stayed with him for 8 years and 89 days, instead of 8 years and 88 days. He is the idiot. Not me.
Today I went to the bank and I closed our joint account. When I called my Dad to tell him, he said "It seems like you are making good progress in getting him out of your life. You made a mistake with him and now you can move on."
And that made me feel good. I am getting rid of him, slowly but surely. Eventually he will just be a bad memory.
My students walked around the nature trail at work today. It broke my heart when my favorite chicken said "Miss J, why are you not going with us?"
It felt like a knife when my coworker jumped in to say "Oh there is work to be done here, Miss J will stay and do that work. It is important work."
But it really isn't. I am glad she interrupted me, because I would have probably told her the truth. Miss J can't go with you because Miss J can't walk around the trail. Nine years of overeating and a slow suicide has made that impossible for me.
And I watched them leave. My chickens. All excited with their wagon full of water and snacks and the first aid kit. Walking single file in to the sunshine, while I stayed behind and tried to pretend that it didn't bother me.
And I feel like this trail is my demon. The devil on my shoulder that mocks me. So many people 200 pounds lighter than me can't even get around the damn thing. So in a way, I shouldn't feel bad for not trying it. It is supposedly pretty brutal. But I feel somehow inadequate for not being able to do it. For being too weak to put down the fork. For cutting out strips of paper for the bulletin board border, instead of making memories with the people I love the most in this world. The people who kept me alive during the darkest part of my world.
I believe that I would have killed myself if I had stayed with my husband. I remember the night that he doused me with crystal light. Standing in the shower, dripping with red. Knowing that it would take days to get the stains out of the carpet, off of the walls, off of my curtains. I stood in the shower and I decided how I would kill myself. I knew in my heart that it would never, ever be better for me. I was never going to be loved or even treated as good as the cats. He had broken me and I couldn't imagine living one more day in that kind of pain.
But I somehow knew that my work wasn't done here. There is important work to be done and I had to do it. It was about my little Buggy, who no one thought was mentally there until I started working with him. It was about love changing your heart and making you want to get out of bed in the mornings. It was about not wanting to hurt any of the people who might actually care for me. It isn't quite the same love that I craved- but it is still love.
So I lived. And that was the night it all changed for me. That was the night I started my plan to get out. And I did get out. And although I have looked back at times and doubted myself, I know that I made the right decision.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Does anyone have the World's Smallest Violin?
Because I would like to play it for my STBX :P
He calls me Mom today. Why she takes his calls I will never know. Anyhow, he overdrew our joint account because BillPay charges if you don't use it. I haven't used the account for 8 months. He can't cancel BillPay unless I call in and allow it too. Whatever, I have been meaning to go in and take my name off anyhow, I will do it tomorrow.
My Mom then asks him if he is working yet. He says..
Wait for it..
He says he can't possibly go to work every day because he had to call the bank about the overdraft.
Um. What?
He can't work because he had to spend maybe 10 minutes calling the bank to ask them a question?
I don't suppose the fact that he is lazy has anything to do with why he isn't working :P
Or the fact that he has a battery charge for beating up his *half blind at the time, it makes it sooooooo much worse I think* wife.
There is a special place in hell for him. Yes, I said it. And I don't feel bad for saying it either!!
He really shouldn't be allowed to share the same state as me. I am thinking of moving just to be away from him.
So my Mom pointed out to him that I spent hours and hours on the phone with the phone company cleaning up his mess. He didn't respond :P
So anyway, there is a pity party starting any minute for him!
He calls me Mom today. Why she takes his calls I will never know. Anyhow, he overdrew our joint account because BillPay charges if you don't use it. I haven't used the account for 8 months. He can't cancel BillPay unless I call in and allow it too. Whatever, I have been meaning to go in and take my name off anyhow, I will do it tomorrow.
My Mom then asks him if he is working yet. He says..
Wait for it..
He says he can't possibly go to work every day because he had to call the bank about the overdraft.
Um. What?
He can't work because he had to spend maybe 10 minutes calling the bank to ask them a question?
I don't suppose the fact that he is lazy has anything to do with why he isn't working :P
Or the fact that he has a battery charge for beating up his *half blind at the time, it makes it sooooooo much worse I think* wife.
There is a special place in hell for him. Yes, I said it. And I don't feel bad for saying it either!!
He really shouldn't be allowed to share the same state as me. I am thinking of moving just to be away from him.
So my Mom pointed out to him that I spent hours and hours on the phone with the phone company cleaning up his mess. He didn't respond :P
So anyway, there is a pity party starting any minute for him!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
That nasty green eyed monster..
So this morning I was confronted with my shortcomings and bad decision making, in a place where I least expected it.
One of my students was telling me a Bible story. I asked him if he learned that in church, because I know he goes, and he said no, that his Mom and Dad sit with him every night and they read Bible stories together as a family.
Ugh.
I was taken back by the beauty of that mental image. Yep. I was jealous.
I have this romantic image in my head of a husband being the head of the household. Wanting to protect his wife and children. Wanting to support them, not just financially, but emotionally.
I didn't get that. Because I didn't choose that. That was me. I could have picked better, but I didn't.
My husband hardly ever came home after work. Why not? He said I was annoying and he didn't like me. At first I used to cry about it, then I realized that if he wasn't home, he wasn't hurting me. So I was okay with that.
He also didn't like to work. He would yell at his boss, and threaten that he was going to quit one day and he never, ever showed up on time. So I would panic about money all the time. At one point I worked 70 hours a week. Seriously? I worked that much and he couldn't get out of bed on time in the mornings? His excuse? The cats kept him up. (The world's smallest violin *sarcasm*.)
And he didn't believe in God. He said that Christians were stupid. You should have seen the lengths I went to to get us married. Why did I bother? It was obviously a blaring warning sign when the one Pastor flat out refused to marry us.
Or when the train came by as I started to walk down the aisle- which I used to take as a positive sign, but now I see it for what it was. A huge warning. God's warning!
It doesn't get much bigger than a train.
So anyway, I don't know if God has a plan for me or not. I do know that I am going to be the World's Pickiest Person if any other man should ever show any interest in me.
I am so fat and I feel so useless. I don't think anyone will ever want me. This is exactly how I ended up with 9 years of abuse. Not thinking I could do any better.
So really, I need to plaster that to my ceiling somehow. I CAN DO BETTER! I DESERVE BETTER!
One of my students was telling me a Bible story. I asked him if he learned that in church, because I know he goes, and he said no, that his Mom and Dad sit with him every night and they read Bible stories together as a family.
Ugh.
I was taken back by the beauty of that mental image. Yep. I was jealous.
I have this romantic image in my head of a husband being the head of the household. Wanting to protect his wife and children. Wanting to support them, not just financially, but emotionally.
I didn't get that. Because I didn't choose that. That was me. I could have picked better, but I didn't.
My husband hardly ever came home after work. Why not? He said I was annoying and he didn't like me. At first I used to cry about it, then I realized that if he wasn't home, he wasn't hurting me. So I was okay with that.
He also didn't like to work. He would yell at his boss, and threaten that he was going to quit one day and he never, ever showed up on time. So I would panic about money all the time. At one point I worked 70 hours a week. Seriously? I worked that much and he couldn't get out of bed on time in the mornings? His excuse? The cats kept him up. (The world's smallest violin *sarcasm*.)
And he didn't believe in God. He said that Christians were stupid. You should have seen the lengths I went to to get us married. Why did I bother? It was obviously a blaring warning sign when the one Pastor flat out refused to marry us.
Or when the train came by as I started to walk down the aisle- which I used to take as a positive sign, but now I see it for what it was. A huge warning. God's warning!
It doesn't get much bigger than a train.
So anyway, I don't know if God has a plan for me or not. I do know that I am going to be the World's Pickiest Person if any other man should ever show any interest in me.
I am so fat and I feel so useless. I don't think anyone will ever want me. This is exactly how I ended up with 9 years of abuse. Not thinking I could do any better.
So really, I need to plaster that to my ceiling somehow. I CAN DO BETTER! I DESERVE BETTER!
Monday, March 15, 2010
Hooking again
I finished a baby blanket for my coworker last night. That is my first project since my first surgery on April 1st of 2009. I did make a small potholder when I taught one of my older students how to crochet in November LOL
I am having a bit of numbness in my arms. I am hoping this is just from relearning how to use these muscles. It took a long time to make that blanket, I wanted to ease in to it.
Right now I am working on a hose cover for my BiPap machine.
I am also making one for my Dad's machine.
I would love to find a way to make money crocheting, but I don't see it as a possibility. I checked out Etsy today and wow, are those people talented! My crocheting stinks in comparison.
I have never made anything for myself before, so this hose cover is the first thing just for me :0)
I am having a bit of numbness in my arms. I am hoping this is just from relearning how to use these muscles. It took a long time to make that blanket, I wanted to ease in to it.
Right now I am working on a hose cover for my BiPap machine.
I am also making one for my Dad's machine.
I would love to find a way to make money crocheting, but I don't see it as a possibility. I checked out Etsy today and wow, are those people talented! My crocheting stinks in comparison.
I have never made anything for myself before, so this hose cover is the first thing just for me :0)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Top 10 Reasons Why I Am Thankful For My Freedom
1. Onions on my pizza? Sure! Onions in the meatloaf? Why not?! Onion flavored toothpaste? If I wanted to!
2. Being able to grocery shop in any damn order I want to! If I want to follow the layout of the store, I can. No more of this walking back and forth 10 times nonsense.
3. Being able to dry the dishes and put them away! I hated his rule that I had to let the dishes sit in the strainer for 24 hours. What a load of crap. Not judging anyone who does this- but really, we wont DIE if I dry the dishes and put them away. Or else my Mother and all of my Aunt's would be dead by now. And my Grandmother wouldn't have lived to be 80 :P
4. Not having to get the third degree if I styled my hair. "Why does your hair look like that, are you trying to look young?" As a matter of fact, I AM YOUNG! :P
5. No more backseat driving! Whew. I can't believe I drove at all before I met him, to hear him tell it :P
6. Leaving the shampoo in the shower if I want to.
7. Being able to put my keys where I chose to put them. Instead of where I am forced to put them.
8. Being allowed to wash my car if I want to. I don't have to beg for permission.
9. Watching all the reality TV I want to.
And the top 10 reason why I am thankful for my freedom:
10. I can hang my car keys on the key holder!!!!!!!! It seems like such a little thing, but he told me that if I hung my keys on the key holder that we would be robbed and it would be my fault, etc. I was always so jealous of people who were allowed to use a key holder. I had a nice one, too, but was forbidden to use it. When I move to my own place, I will be hanging the keys on it for sure! :0)
2. Being able to grocery shop in any damn order I want to! If I want to follow the layout of the store, I can. No more of this walking back and forth 10 times nonsense.
3. Being able to dry the dishes and put them away! I hated his rule that I had to let the dishes sit in the strainer for 24 hours. What a load of crap. Not judging anyone who does this- but really, we wont DIE if I dry the dishes and put them away. Or else my Mother and all of my Aunt's would be dead by now. And my Grandmother wouldn't have lived to be 80 :P
4. Not having to get the third degree if I styled my hair. "Why does your hair look like that, are you trying to look young?" As a matter of fact, I AM YOUNG! :P
5. No more backseat driving! Whew. I can't believe I drove at all before I met him, to hear him tell it :P
6. Leaving the shampoo in the shower if I want to.
7. Being able to put my keys where I chose to put them. Instead of where I am forced to put them.
8. Being allowed to wash my car if I want to. I don't have to beg for permission.
9. Watching all the reality TV I want to.
And the top 10 reason why I am thankful for my freedom:
10. I can hang my car keys on the key holder!!!!!!!! It seems like such a little thing, but he told me that if I hung my keys on the key holder that we would be robbed and it would be my fault, etc. I was always so jealous of people who were allowed to use a key holder. I had a nice one, too, but was forbidden to use it. When I move to my own place, I will be hanging the keys on it for sure! :0)
Friday, March 12, 2010
People say the dumbest things
Yes, I said it. There are some people in this world who are just stupid.
A coworker spent 10 minutes yesterday going on and on about how every relationship that fails involves both people being at fault.
I take offense to that, because I truly don't see my marriage failing as being my fault. I stayed with him for 9 years getting hit and always thinking it was my fault and trying to somehow fix it and make it better. If only I was better at this, better at that, etc. And I paid $225 an hour for marriage counseling that he didn't want to do, etc, etc.
So it really hurt my feelings that she was saying that I was somehow at fault for my marriage breaking up :0( I spent 9 years thinking I was to blame, but now I know it is all him, kids. He doesn't know how to use his words, that is not my problem. If my students are smarter than he is, then that is not my issue.
Ugh.
So anyway. I am moody lately. Really moody. Now that court is over I am angry. Almost seething. I feel pathetic for taking his crap for so many years. I feel weak, pathetic, stupid, etc. I feel like I wish I had had the nerve to stand up for myself. I think if I felt the way I do now 9 years ago, none of this would have ever happened to me. I would have dropped him like a hot potato the first time he slapped me on his parent's front porch.
Two things I regret in this life:
1. That I never saw him carried off in handcuffs.
2. That I didn't get to see his mugshot.
So yeah, I am pretty angry with him right now. I am sort of doing that whole thing where "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!"
A coworker spent 10 minutes yesterday going on and on about how every relationship that fails involves both people being at fault.
I take offense to that, because I truly don't see my marriage failing as being my fault. I stayed with him for 9 years getting hit and always thinking it was my fault and trying to somehow fix it and make it better. If only I was better at this, better at that, etc. And I paid $225 an hour for marriage counseling that he didn't want to do, etc, etc.
So it really hurt my feelings that she was saying that I was somehow at fault for my marriage breaking up :0( I spent 9 years thinking I was to blame, but now I know it is all him, kids. He doesn't know how to use his words, that is not my problem. If my students are smarter than he is, then that is not my issue.
Ugh.
So anyway. I am moody lately. Really moody. Now that court is over I am angry. Almost seething. I feel pathetic for taking his crap for so many years. I feel weak, pathetic, stupid, etc. I feel like I wish I had had the nerve to stand up for myself. I think if I felt the way I do now 9 years ago, none of this would have ever happened to me. I would have dropped him like a hot potato the first time he slapped me on his parent's front porch.
Two things I regret in this life:
1. That I never saw him carried off in handcuffs.
2. That I didn't get to see his mugshot.
So yeah, I am pretty angry with him right now. I am sort of doing that whole thing where "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!"
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