Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Finally home..

So tonight I am upstairs in my room and I am looking around. I realize that I haven't really bothered to unpack here, and that I don't really consider it to be home. It doesn't look like my room anymore, because it is now a sewing room LOL But it is, in fact, my HOME now. I am not going back to my husband, and I am not financially able to live on my own until these medical bills are under control. So I have to wrap my brain around the fact that I am home.

So I need to give myself permission to go to my storage unit and bring my boxes of books here, and put them on the bookshelf. I have to give myself permission to take some of my parent's misc things out of the drawers and pack them away to make room for my clothes. I have to give myself permission to put my tylenol in the medicine cabinent. I have to give myself permission to hang up some pictures, some drawings the chickens make me and some of my things that make me say "Hey, this is where I live!"

I moved a lot as a child so I never really quite got the concept of unpacking, and it shows!

I need to come at this with an attitude of gratitude.

Saturday will mark five months since my husband was taken out of our home in handcuffs. It marks the day my entire world shifted. It marks the day that I had to learn how to stand on my own two feet- even though my parents would rather do it for me ;) It marks the worst financial crisis of my entire life (seriously, he was a terrible husband, but he at least made income enough to pay these bills LOL). I keep thinking "Hey if I was still with B, he could write a check and pay this hospital in full right now, as it is I am paying them for the next year!" But at what price, though? My emotional and physical health and stability! Not worth it. I will gladly make my monthly payments, forever if I have to, to live in peace with myself.

I had a comfortable financial life with him. But I was not supported in any other way. Thankfully he lost his job after I left so that I was not tempted to go back.

Which is a terrible thing to say, I know. It hurt me too, I lost my insurance. But I think that he needed to be knocked down a little bit, because he still maintains that it is my fault that he hit me, blah, blah, blah.

In the end, it all comes down to my husband not being able to do what my 4 and 5 year old students learned a year ago.

Use. Your. Words.

But right now I am sad. I feel lonley. I don't understand why I feel so drawn to this man who has given me the worst decade of my life.

I just need to unpack. I need for this to look like a bedroom. I need to be able to have more than the 5 outfits that I rotate because I can't find anything else to wear. Maybe I need a hobby. It still hurts to crochet. The surgeon said I would be clear by December, and it is almost over, but still it hurts a bit. I think maybe it is because the muscles are weak.

I am out of sorts because my schedule was different this week. My co teacher was out of town and I miss her. We have extra students and that throws us off.

And can I just say that I really want the Super Mario Brothers game for my DS? LOL One of the school aged kids brought it with him today and I was playing it. It reminded me of when I was a kid, playing Nintendo. My Mom says that I should just buy it with my Christmas gift cards that two of the kids gave me, but I can't justify spending $36 on a game when my parents have to buy my groceries. I mean, I gave my Mom the gift cards, but she said she will give them back to let me get this game. She even offered to go get it for me tomorrow. But I just can't do that. It feels irresponsible. I tried to get it used, but can't find it anywhere yet. Maybe I will keep looking. Eh, it is a silly game, but it sure was fun! LOL

Anyway, it is time to live here. As much as it is possible to. I can probably squeeze a lot in to this sewing room if I try hard enough! :0)

1 comment:

  1. Super Mario Brothers ~~ My all time favorite!
    Your in my prayers dear!
    Hugs, GG