Monday, December 21, 2009

Please take my advice

I know it is almost impossible for most people to ever imagine themselves in a situation where they would have to leave their husbands. No one ever wants to think about that. I didn't think that I would ever leave mine and I was being abused the whole time.

But if you are ever in a situation where you leave a home that utilities are on in your name, please just cancel them. Do not rely on the utility company to change the name, there is always the possiblity that human error will happen and they will somehow mess it up.

My credit is dinged. I am responsible for all of these bills at a house that I have not lived in for four months. And when I tried to call him about it he screamed at me and hung up. Not just a putting the phone down, a SLAMMING the phone down. Like he really needed to do that. Very childish, but what should I really expect from him?

God wants me to be strong. I am doing it, Lord, even if I am crying the whole way.

So as I am sitting here crying, when I should be sleeping *seriously, my Dad can open my mail from now on. I just wont do it, I can't stand getting hate mail after work when they are closed and I have to wait until the next day to call about it* something has clicked in my head.

I have gained 250 pounds since I met my H. I ate because it made me feel better. I did not have another outlet. If you read my last blog you will know that I basically lived a lie for 9 years. I pretended to have a good relationship because I felt that it was my fault that things were not going well. So I ate it. All of it.

And now I weigh over 400 lbs and it hurts to walk. I lost half of my eyesight and I almost died in my sleep from the apeas. I feel like God keeps giving me wake up calls about this and I keep ignoring them. But tonight, as H was screaming and me and hanging up on me, I realized that as long as I allow this to happen, I will continue to be an abused woman. Even if I am out of the house.

He may not be hitting me or slapping me, but I am still cowering and taking the blame for everything.

And I am tired of it. I am functioning at the cellular level right now. But that is not good enough for me anymore.

I want to thrive. I want to hold my head up high and smile at people. I want to be the person my chickens think I am. They bring me so much joy. It is my belief that those kids have kept me getting out of bed in the mornings. I just don't know where I would be right now without them. And I know that they probably wont ever remember me, because they are so young. I don't think I have any memories from when I was 5. But they have made a huge impact in my life.

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